The Caped Crusader
Like Erin, I really had to convince myself that it was okay to skip class today. I was tired, I have not gotten my paper for group done yet, where only that paper and my face page, table of contents stand between me and my degree. Thats besides my self-evals but a monkey could poop those out of his butt. Anyway, instead of driving out to Farmington Hills for one class and one of the two hours of supervision I get a month that I don't need (because I get 10 a month when I only need 8), coming home for a nap, and going to my practicum, and then not even starting on my work until 7pm tonite, it is a better idea just to get the group paper out of the way, then tonite I can do the beginning pages for my thesis and make a few corrections to chapter 6.
I don't know where this increased sense of responsibility has come from. I used to not really care at all about skipping classes or anything like that, but today all I kept thinking about was how it was our last day for our family group sessions (the fake families we have been practicing group therapy in). Today was my turn to be therapist, again. I kept thinking about how responsible I am to this group and how serious this family has become to them and how I had this responsibility to be there just for that. I was about ready to wake up and I thought about how each person in that family has missed a class or more! Then even as I think of this justification, I thought about how, yea, but if I went in, I'd be one of those people, one of those all out people, a really good guy. As I laid down and decided whether or not to reset the alarm for 9 o'clock, i finally gave myself permission to be a little less than extraordinary, to worry about and my work. I
t was really difficult and like I said, I don't know where that sense of responsibility to others comes from. I have become aware this year about how I am very focused, vigilant, or maybe obsessed at times about either what I think others' expectations of me are, or what I can do to really make people see me as a really great guy. This really great guy thing sounds so cheesy and I cannot think of another way to say it. Maybe it is because it is cheesy and there is no reason for it. I think I do want to be a good guy though, and it is easier to tell if you are if you have positive feedback. However, that feedback is really irrelevant to whether I make myself this "good" guy or not. Being a "good person" is really much more than your appearances to other, it has to do with your beliefs and how you act in accordance to your beliefs. Batman kind of shit you know, "Its not what I am underneath but WHAT I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! that defines me." Yes, thats it, I want to be Batman, but on my terms.