(no subject)
Character: Ron Swanson
Series: Parks and Recreation
Character Age: Mid-40s
Job: Ruggedly Dignified Wilderness Adviser
Canon: Parks and Recreation is a comedy series about the small, underfunded Parks Department in the fictional town of Pawnee, Indiana. It follows the misadventures of Leslie Knope, the hyper-productive, optimistic deputy director of the department, as she tries to work through red tape and budget cuts to provide parks, fun, and services to the offbeat citizens of her town.
Ron Swanson, the actual head of the Parks Department, avoids doing actual work as much as possible. A stoic libertarian and outdoorsy eccentric, he believes all government is a waste of taxpayer money and that birthdays are a scam created by Hallmark. Ron is a straightforward, terse, and mostly solitary man who enjoys the finer things in life: meat, breakfast, property rights, woodworking, and pretty, dark-haired women. While he tries his hardest to avoid dealing with people on a personal level (or at all, when it comes to government work), he’s secretly a good friend with more insight than he lets on.
Sample Post:
Greetings, people of wherever the hell this is! Even though they are pointless, tedious, and I want nothing to do with this, I have been asked to give a speech by these gentlemen. Since they promised me a three course breakfast in return, I will hold them to that and proceed. So pay attention! You will note that this self-introduction is comprised of a series of facts, and my opinions, which you may also take as facts. Applaud at the end, or don't. It's a free country! I couldn't care less.
My name is Ron Swanson. This is a place, and I'm here now. Since all of those things are true, I will share with you a few observations: Despite it being called a “camp,” I have noticed a disturbingly high number of cabins here! Cabins with electricity and matching curtains. I believe that true camping should involve only an empty backpack, an antique Bowie knife, and a tarp. Any extra frills will just make you soft. I once had to make a shelter out of a fresh, blood-smeared deer skin and two feet of vine in the middle of a tornado. … It was amazing. In fact, I think it should be mandatory for every man, woman, and child to spend at least two weeks out in the wilderness, so that they can learn to fend for themselves. Better yet, they should compete with each other for natural resources and a small selection of switchblades. The goal? Don’t get eaten by wolves. The reward? Victory, and not getting eaten by wolves.
Am I getting off topic, you ask? No, I am not. Sit down and shut the hell up. My second observation is that most of you couldn’t even wipe your own asses with a leaf. An arts and crafts cabin? If you think glitter is the answer to your problems, then I will take no shame in enjoying my brandy while you cry for help when the raccoons come to gnaw at your weak, lackadaisical toes. No. Today, I am going to teach you various skills that will hopefully increase your strength and competency, both mental and physical, in an attempt to keep you from bothering me later when the gorillas are on the hunt. Meet me back here in exactly one hour, and bring your shotgun.
End of speech! Now someone get me my goddamn bacon.
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