Now - Chapter 8 - "Still Breathing"
parings: Jaemin/Minjae
rated: n-17 (smut, violence, gore, murder)
genre: angst, drama, au
length: complete
disclaimer: english isn't my native language
Changmin was a hired assassin, a cold and empty man, prepared to die any day without having never believed in love. One night, he felt his heart beat fast when he saw the pale skin and dark eyes that seemed to be a demon of sex, a succubus - the young and beautiful stripper Youngwoong. Without realizing, he was attracted by a network of lies, hatred and revenge, unable to resist his treacherous heart that fell in love with someone who wasn't who he seemed to be.
*not reviewed*
[Changmin's POV]
When we were in the car, I compared the handwriting of the note written by Jaejoong with the handwriting in the notebook.
The names were written in a different handwriting, but the crimes described as "extortion," "fraud," "corruption" and other things were definitely Jaejoong's handwriting. He had also scrawled several observations as phone numbers, addresses, and on some pages had pictures stick on it. There were blood stains and some torn pages.
I don't want to think about the possibility that blood be his.
I don't know what to think, what it all meant.
What kind of guy is he? What was his participation in this bloody game?
"If you want my opinion," Yoochun said, eating a cookie "this guy, your kitten, is a dangerous man and absolutely unreliable ... You think he killed-"
"I want cookie!"
He sighed and gave me a cookie.
"You don't want to talk about it now, right? I understand."
I closed my eyes and he started the car.
If this is a nightmare, I want wake up.
-
I walked through the front door, Yoochun entered through the back door.
I kept the gun in the inside pocket of my jacket pocket, I didn't expect to have to shoot in Jaejoong's friend, but what could I do, if by chance he reacted and tried to kill me for doing too many questions, or simply by not trust me?
Yunho was leaning over the sink, and there were no customers in the cafeteria.
Before I approached, he pointed a gun at my chest and said "Changmin, I suppose."
Shit.
I had no real intention to shoot him or hurt him because I was sure that Jaejoong would get angry, but Yunho didn't know that I didn't want to hurt him. I understand that he doesn't trust me.
But suddenly he smiled and lowered the gun saying "You came looking for your lost kitten? Jaejoong loves when you call him that by the way."
Before I could answer, Yoochun came up behind Yunho with a chair in his hands.
I shouted "Yoochun, stop!" but there was no avoiding the moment he struck the chair on Yunho's head.
-
"You are very, very stupid, you know?" Yunho said while Yoochun cleaned the wound on his neck with gauze and alcohol.
"Yah, how many times do I have to apologize?"
"By the end of your days."
"Yah! Changmin-ah, tell Yunho that he is exaggerating!"
I was going to defend Yoochun, but Yunho said "Yoochun, don't you know Jaejoong's appearance, right? How can you come in here and hit somebody in the head with a chair without knowing who you're going to hurt? And if you had hurt Jaejoong instead?"
"Yah!" I said "Yunho's right! Are you too reckless, Yoochun!" And I gave him a slap on the nape.
Yunho chuckled.
"Changing the subject" Yoochun said "We came to see the kitten. Where is he?"
"We also have that." I showed him the notebook, but Yunho didn't seem surprised. "Yunho, what you have to tell us about it?"
"How is it possible that Jaejoong lost this notebook? He's too stupid, can't even protect the reason why he is alive."
"What do you mean by that?"
He sighed and said nothing.
The voice that answered belonged to Jaejoong, standing in the doorway, dressed in black.
"My reason to be alive." He muttered.
The last time I had seen him, he was drowsy and naked in my arms, looked helpless as a kid. I had seen his scars of combat, but I thought he had just been naughty when he was a child, the kind of kid who falls from tree, stumbling and running it, the kind of boy who never knew when to stop playing - you will never know how deep scar within each person. Now I know that those scars were real. There is no fool myself and pretend that Jaejoong is just an unlucky guy, he's in the eye of the hurricane.
He didn't seem the same with those dark clothes, gloves and hat covering his eyes.
Even though he didn't seem the same, even though his voice sounded more cold and cruel, even though I couldn't see his empty eyes, he was still my kitten. I missed him.
I wanted to yell at him. 'Where were you?' or 'What were you doing?' or 'You have no idea how much I did care about you? Do you care about this?' Probably not.
I said nothing.
He came to me and took the notebook from my fingers, perusing slowly.
"You remember, Changmin-ah ... you told me that if I knew the real you, I would not like you? Well, excuse my selfishness, but all this time I've been thinking otherwise.'m Sorry."
That other day when I said that, he had answered ' Nobody is what it seems. In the end , I think we are all detestable ... But okay , I don't think I'll love you one day , anyway . '
Yunho stood up and pulled Yoochun with him , leaving .
"What do you mean by that, Kitten?"
He smiled, but his smile was sad.
"I love it when you call me that," Kitten~ "
"Yunho told me."
"Aish, gossipman."
"Kitten, what do you mean by that thinking about being the opposite of what I told you?"
"Well .." he sighed, approaching a little " you told me that If I knew the real you, I wouldn't like you... But I know who you are, and I know what you are. And because you will hate me before this day is over, I'll tell you the truth. "
Again, my heart sank.
"What should I say? For starters, I know you are Shim Changmin, a hired killer. You probably lost count of how many people you killed, right? Someone calls you or your partner, Park Yoochun, and tell you what next name on the list. Who will be the next to die. You don't ask questions, you aren't allowed to do so".
The accuracy of his informations was terrifying.
"Do you hate me now?" He asked.
"Why would I hate you, Kitten?"
He was unable to keep his cool and impersonal facade.
"Because I knew these things about you from the beginning. Since the day you saved me the first time!"
"Because of that I should hate you? I'm surprised after knowing that I was that kind of person, you have been by my side. "
He laughed sarcastically. "Why do you insist on thinking that you are the worst kind of man who exists Min-ah? You're just a boy trapped in this ruthless game. "
"You know, I also have no qualms."
"But you're not evil."
He wanted to cry.
"Kitten, by chance you're bad? I think both of us are bad. Killing is not exactly an act of charity, even killing bad people."
"I am despicable."
I was getting pissed. He said that I would hate him until the end of the day? The only reason I was hating him was because he didn't understand that I could 't hate him. I yelled "Why do you think I'm better than you?"
He bit his lips and whispered, trying to smile, but failing miserably. He was suffering, and it was nothing more than my own suffering.
"Changmin, go away. Please don't do this to us. Hurts so much to tell you you'd hate me if you knew how I really am-"
"Jaejoong! Can't you understand? I love you."
"No, you don't."
"Loving you is like breathing."
I took his hat and eyes that stared at me were wet with tears.
"You know I love you and you love me too." I said and tried to hug him, but he stepped back a few steps.
"You know how I got this notebook? I let a guy fuck me. This was the price for this filthy piece of paper. And you know why it is so important to me? I'm not a vigilante, and I'm not a hired killer, my motivation doesn't come from money or honor. I was living all this time for revenge. "
"Jaejoong, you keep thinking it's worse than me because of that?"
"I'm the whore who told you that I am, how many times I went to bed with some guy to steal some information, to deceive, kill, torture, destroy. This is the tip of the iceberg. I like to kill. I'm sadistic."
"I don't care."
"Are you crazy?" He shouted.
"And what's the point of being lucid and being alone? And what is the point of letting the person you love go through all this suffering alone, without trying to take care of, without trying to understand? You really think I'm better than you by I kill for money? "
He was crying openly now.
"Jaejoong ... Kitten ... look at me." I touched his face and he looked at me with his dark eyes. "Do you love me too?"
"You know I do."
"You said that in the end we are all detestable... let's be detestable together, yes?
I pulled him into my arms and he hid his wet face in my chest as he sobbed.
"Shhh, shhh," I whispered in his ear "it'll be alright."
At this time, three armed men stormed the cafeteria, I heard shots in another room where Yunho and Yoochun were probably fighting invaders. Jaejoong pushed me hard, and within seconds, he cut the throat of a guy, stuck the knife in eye of another, and for the last of them, he dug his Swiss Army knife in the heart.
He looked at me with ashamed eyes. There was blood on his face. Killing was more than instinctive for him, it was a kind of art, a gift.
"Do you still love me?"
"I'm still breathing?"