The World Was Never This Brotherhood Of Man, Or Whatever That Means.
Where to fucking begin? Well, let's start with the bomb: My mother has breast cancer. Fun times. Honestly, February has barely even gotten started and it is kicking my ass!
Let's go back to the beginning of the crap. Feb. 3rd was my exes b-day... never a good thing to think about or remember. Ugh. Then last Sunday, my tire exploded. And because they are fancy fucking Audi tires... it cost over $400 to replace it etc. Then on Monday I went out with a guy I really, really like. We had an a amazing time.... saw some bands, chatted, and had great sex. Sounds great... doesn't it? Nope. Since then he has been offish and hard to get in touch with. So, I feel stupid and angry... and just plain hurt. If he wanted a one night stand... he should have just let me know... or just picked a girl he doesn't have mutual friends with! Come on! So, that sucks. Tuesday I get a bill for almost $500 from my phone and internet provider. Apparently they had a glitch in the system that meant we weren't getting bills the past few months... so now they decided to send us a giant bill for the past few months all at once. And despite it being completely their fault and their error... and me having called to work it out months ago... they are still gonna charge us. Ugh. Then Wed. my mother calls me to tell me she has breast cancer. Thursday night my kitchen sink and laundry room explode/flood. Friday they seem ok again.... only to flood again. Friday night I feel like shit because the guy is still being offish... go for drinks with a friend.... and almost get in a bar fight with a seriously drunk asshole. Saturday the plumber never comes when he is meant to. I almost get in a fight with a Jesus freak. And almost hit a dog with my car because the owner didn't have them on a leash and they ran across the street. Thank god I have good reflexes!! Then Whitney Houston dies! WTF?! First Amy, then Etta, and now Whitney. Just fucking depressing. Then I go to an amazing karaoke party.... but Kimmy gets sick and acts like a bitch. And then today... I have to deal with a plumber first thing in the morning.. and a landlord who is too dumb to realize he should replace the shitty pipes in the house.
I just feel like crying and having myself a pity party. But oddly enough I haven't cried once all week. It's like I just won't let myself. I feel depressed and sad... and on the verge of crying constantly... but then I just get mad at myself for being so weak and I just go numb again. I think I am in major denial... over a lot of things. Or maybe I am just in survival mode. Who knows. Either way I feel crappy and sad and just want to crawl into bed and stay there. I just hate everyone right now. Men in particular. Why do they ALL have to be such fucking lying, hurtful assholes?? Ugh... and I'm disgusted with myself for being more upset about a guy hurting me right now... than I am about my mother's cancer. I think it is because I don't want to worry or freak about her cancer unless I damn-well have to! Until we know more about what stage it is at or if it has spread... and how she will have to treat it.... I am just going to store it away to deal with later. Denial.
I just want someone to crawl into bed with and hold. Or have them hold me and tell me it is going to be ok. And not worry about shit for a few minutes. And not feel used or insecure. Just safe for a few moments.
I'm just so angry. Angry at everyone, angry at myself. I hate Jeff. I hate Nick. I even hate poor Theo. I really hate Doug. I hate every guy I've been on a date with over the past few months. I hate Richard. And I really hate this new guy. I just hate everyone.... especially men!! i wish I didn't want or need them so badly. I just want to find one already who will actually be there for me and give a shit. Not just care when the time suits him. Someone honest enough to be straightforward about everything... so there is no bullshit and no games.
Ugh... now, I'm rambling about men. Which is not even what I want to talk about... and only a part of the rubbish I'm dealing with.
And things have been so good. They really have... so many good things have happened... and I've been happy and positive. And Kim and I have barely been fighting. Things have been good. But this past week just knocked me to my knees. And I don't feel like getting back up again.
Let's go back to the beginning of the crap. Feb. 3rd was my exes b-day... never a good thing to think about or remember. Ugh. Then last Sunday, my tire exploded. And because they are fancy fucking Audi tires... it cost over $400 to replace it etc. Then on Monday I went out with a guy I really, really like. We had an a amazing time.... saw some bands, chatted, and had great sex. Sounds great... doesn't it? Nope. Since then he has been offish and hard to get in touch with. So, I feel stupid and angry... and just plain hurt. If he wanted a one night stand... he should have just let me know... or just picked a girl he doesn't have mutual friends with! Come on! So, that sucks. Tuesday I get a bill for almost $500 from my phone and internet provider. Apparently they had a glitch in the system that meant we weren't getting bills the past few months... so now they decided to send us a giant bill for the past few months all at once. And despite it being completely their fault and their error... and me having called to work it out months ago... they are still gonna charge us. Ugh. Then Wed. my mother calls me to tell me she has breast cancer. Thursday night my kitchen sink and laundry room explode/flood. Friday they seem ok again.... only to flood again. Friday night I feel like shit because the guy is still being offish... go for drinks with a friend.... and almost get in a bar fight with a seriously drunk asshole. Saturday the plumber never comes when he is meant to. I almost get in a fight with a Jesus freak. And almost hit a dog with my car because the owner didn't have them on a leash and they ran across the street. Thank god I have good reflexes!! Then Whitney Houston dies! WTF?! First Amy, then Etta, and now Whitney. Just fucking depressing. Then I go to an amazing karaoke party.... but Kimmy gets sick and acts like a bitch. And then today... I have to deal with a plumber first thing in the morning.. and a landlord who is too dumb to realize he should replace the shitty pipes in the house.
I just feel like crying and having myself a pity party. But oddly enough I haven't cried once all week. It's like I just won't let myself. I feel depressed and sad... and on the verge of crying constantly... but then I just get mad at myself for being so weak and I just go numb again. I think I am in major denial... over a lot of things. Or maybe I am just in survival mode. Who knows. Either way I feel crappy and sad and just want to crawl into bed and stay there. I just hate everyone right now. Men in particular. Why do they ALL have to be such fucking lying, hurtful assholes?? Ugh... and I'm disgusted with myself for being more upset about a guy hurting me right now... than I am about my mother's cancer. I think it is because I don't want to worry or freak about her cancer unless I damn-well have to! Until we know more about what stage it is at or if it has spread... and how she will have to treat it.... I am just going to store it away to deal with later. Denial.
I just want someone to crawl into bed with and hold. Or have them hold me and tell me it is going to be ok. And not worry about shit for a few minutes. And not feel used or insecure. Just safe for a few moments.
I'm just so angry. Angry at everyone, angry at myself. I hate Jeff. I hate Nick. I even hate poor Theo. I really hate Doug. I hate every guy I've been on a date with over the past few months. I hate Richard. And I really hate this new guy. I just hate everyone.... especially men!! i wish I didn't want or need them so badly. I just want to find one already who will actually be there for me and give a shit. Not just care when the time suits him. Someone honest enough to be straightforward about everything... so there is no bullshit and no games.
Ugh... now, I'm rambling about men. Which is not even what I want to talk about... and only a part of the rubbish I'm dealing with.
And things have been so good. They really have... so many good things have happened... and I've been happy and positive. And Kim and I have barely been fighting. Things have been good. But this past week just knocked me to my knees. And I don't feel like getting back up again.