settling down
you know? i think i have reached this stage in life that I want to move on to already.
I want to be an adult, make my choices and do what I want to do. I want to be a winner of my life. I want to stop being manipulated or live as a puppet of my mum. I want to be responsible for my own actions, choices and make a decision without anyone's approval or consultation.
I dont know if anyone of you understands what I'm driving at over here, but because nobody has really been in my shoes, i doubt i can find someone that understands all those miseries behind me. life has really been meaningless, but I've found the person keeping me alive, that person that makes me happy and that person im willing to change for. I love him a lot, and I wont give him up. Similarly, i love my mum a lot. I know no one gets to choose the best of both world and if opposition occurs, one has to choose one.
Sad to say, 3/4 of my heart chooses the boy. However, because of the responsibility and the filial self, I cant do that. i cant leave my mum like this. Furthermore, my mum has threatened suicidal if I were to make my choice. She even said that why should she let me be happy when my choice is to make her miserable. Yeah, you're right, she is that sadistic mum whom loves me a lot.
I cant believe she said that. Now, i'm stuck at the crossroad in my life. Because of my mum, my life will never have a direction. It is stuck at where it is now, until the day she chooses to compromise or the day she passes on. She said that even if she lived 10 more years, by then I'm 33 yrs old, its still not too late for me to get married. Yeah, thats my mum. She bears to see me wait till that OLD to settle down.
but honestly, I do have a plan in me. I'm still thinking of going ahead to bid for that BTO with my boy. If lucky enough, we got the bid, we'll get that house. Anyway, it will only complete in 4 years time. By then im 27, maybe its easier for me to choose? If by then, its still not approved... I'll get ROM secretly without her knowledge, continue living with her, rent out the rooms, let the boy live there first and continue pretending to live on like this.
IKR, what a sad life for me. married but have to pretend. but I guess thats the best I can go for her or do for her. I rather like this, than to let her down. but she will never see it this way or be thankful. she thinks that if i really love her, i should be miserable (which means leaving him). but BTO is really cheap for now. if i dont get it now, it will soon becomes unaffordable. Since there is no cash involve... why not?
I get excited at the thought of having my own home in 4 years time. though the marriage is not "recognised" but still, im already at the stage whereby i dont care how others see me or think of how all this is going, what I care is whether I'm happy, and honestly from the bottom of my heart... I am.
I dont need huge wedding reception, I dont need a fairytale. I just need to be able to be with whom I love, settle down and start our home, just the 2 of us. You see, i'm so restricted to the extent that my wish is so simple.
trust me, simplicity is beauty.
I want to be an adult, make my choices and do what I want to do. I want to be a winner of my life. I want to stop being manipulated or live as a puppet of my mum. I want to be responsible for my own actions, choices and make a decision without anyone's approval or consultation.
I dont know if anyone of you understands what I'm driving at over here, but because nobody has really been in my shoes, i doubt i can find someone that understands all those miseries behind me. life has really been meaningless, but I've found the person keeping me alive, that person that makes me happy and that person im willing to change for. I love him a lot, and I wont give him up. Similarly, i love my mum a lot. I know no one gets to choose the best of both world and if opposition occurs, one has to choose one.
Sad to say, 3/4 of my heart chooses the boy. However, because of the responsibility and the filial self, I cant do that. i cant leave my mum like this. Furthermore, my mum has threatened suicidal if I were to make my choice. She even said that why should she let me be happy when my choice is to make her miserable. Yeah, you're right, she is that sadistic mum whom loves me a lot.
I cant believe she said that. Now, i'm stuck at the crossroad in my life. Because of my mum, my life will never have a direction. It is stuck at where it is now, until the day she chooses to compromise or the day she passes on. She said that even if she lived 10 more years, by then I'm 33 yrs old, its still not too late for me to get married. Yeah, thats my mum. She bears to see me wait till that OLD to settle down.
but honestly, I do have a plan in me. I'm still thinking of going ahead to bid for that BTO with my boy. If lucky enough, we got the bid, we'll get that house. Anyway, it will only complete in 4 years time. By then im 27, maybe its easier for me to choose? If by then, its still not approved... I'll get ROM secretly without her knowledge, continue living with her, rent out the rooms, let the boy live there first and continue pretending to live on like this.
IKR, what a sad life for me. married but have to pretend. but I guess thats the best I can go for her or do for her. I rather like this, than to let her down. but she will never see it this way or be thankful. she thinks that if i really love her, i should be miserable (which means leaving him). but BTO is really cheap for now. if i dont get it now, it will soon becomes unaffordable. Since there is no cash involve... why not?
I get excited at the thought of having my own home in 4 years time. though the marriage is not "recognised" but still, im already at the stage whereby i dont care how others see me or think of how all this is going, what I care is whether I'm happy, and honestly from the bottom of my heart... I am.
I dont need huge wedding reception, I dont need a fairytale. I just need to be able to be with whom I love, settle down and start our home, just the 2 of us. You see, i'm so restricted to the extent that my wish is so simple.
trust me, simplicity is beauty.