baby seagull on smoking and the like.
just want to sort out some thoughts and associations here.
last night over delicious dinner with billy and brandy, the subject of smoking came up and we delved into it all the way.
i have not smoked or even come close in 8 months. for billy, one of my previous main smoking triggers due to his amazing conversational skills, it has been 11 months. i have officially faced each and every one of my main triggers from alcohol to friends to social anxiety and everything in between. i have faced a celebratory drunken last day of school and several festivals and all of their festivities. i have stared that craving in the face and chosen to continue to honor my heart and lungs (and every other living speck of my body). there are certainly different levels of addiction to cigarettes. i was a "social smoker" and at the time i would swear that i was not addicted because i could go weeks/months without smoking, but if i was going out with friends what i looked forward to most was time spent on which ever smoking porch i might find myself with my favorite people to smoke with. i bought packs of cigarettes for friends so that i could smoke like a chimney all night but not go home with a pack of cigarettes. smoking alone always did what it should have, made me depressed and nauseous. i can pretty much say with some certainty that i never smoked a cigarette alone that i finished or enjoyed.
i don't know how deep my physical addiction was because of these tendencies. it is incredibly hard to sort things like that out due to the fact that emotions are largely dealing with hormones and neurotransmitters, both of which are affected by nicotine. nicotine is a mimic for one of the most common and important neurotransmitters used by the body. nearly every cell in the body that is innervated contains nicotinic receptors. nicotine effects us deep deep down. so though i want to say that i wasn't addicted physically, i can only say that i never experienced regular cravings for cigarettes, it was purely a string of emotions that followed many triggers, all of them social in nature. if trying to quit going to a social gathering of nearly any kind, particularly if it involved alcohol was next to impossible and if i succeeded it was rather miserably. when i did quit i stopped going out for about 3 months and stopped drinking for the same amount of time. each and every time i passed a hurdle of craving i got stronger and stronger until, at this point, i can sit next to one of my favorite smoking buddies, drunk on whiskey and not stir even while she is both making it look sexy and blowing smoke in my direction. that is not to say that i don't have to fight the desire. but i am stronger than it now and i am more important to myself than cigarettes are and that is a good place to be. i have never felt so solid about it before. i have never believed i could do it all the way.
i truly believe that taking such an in depth anatomy and physiology course all year gave me the knowledge that i needed to understand the magnitude of smoking on a living system. there is not a single part of my body that was positively affected by my time with cigarettes. it also helped me to recognize and accept that i am of the age at which my living system is beginning to decline. my ability to heal and to produce those vital materials that make my heart, lungs, skin, brain, bones etc healthy, flexible and strong, are in decline. i simultaneously feel like i am at my peak right now. i am healthy as shit and happy to go along with it. i can achieve physical feats that i have never been able to in my life and my trust in my abilities are at their height. there is no better time to stop doing something that was threatening my health and longevity.
since i have quite smoking i have been exercising very regularly. i have incredible stamina and strength going on in this here body. i know that i am making the reparations that i need to. i am energetic, focused and i have gotten sick much less than i i used to.
jon and i have begun to make plans to hike 210 miles of the pacific crest trail next summer. i love being at a place, both physically and emotionally, where i don't doubt my ability to do something like that and enjoy the hell out of it. things are good, life is good!
in closing, smoking is a crazy habit. i still lust for it occasionally as if it is a long lost friend that is super fun to hang out with. in order to break my ties with it entirely, i had to break my ties with a lot of things for quite some time. i long for the mythical smoking porch most of all. but what is awesome is that i have visited the smoking porches of the world on several occasions now and i am perfectly capable of hanging out there, with my favorites and just not smoking.....but also, i have found that there is generally some cool conversation and party fun going on inside that i had been missing out on all along. i have also realized that most of my friends don't actually smoke and that more people are hanging out somewhere besides the smoking porch at a party. all very interesting things to realize. it is all still hard sometimes but it is hard in a much softer way at this point. for this, i am glad!
last night over delicious dinner with billy and brandy, the subject of smoking came up and we delved into it all the way.
i have not smoked or even come close in 8 months. for billy, one of my previous main smoking triggers due to his amazing conversational skills, it has been 11 months. i have officially faced each and every one of my main triggers from alcohol to friends to social anxiety and everything in between. i have faced a celebratory drunken last day of school and several festivals and all of their festivities. i have stared that craving in the face and chosen to continue to honor my heart and lungs (and every other living speck of my body). there are certainly different levels of addiction to cigarettes. i was a "social smoker" and at the time i would swear that i was not addicted because i could go weeks/months without smoking, but if i was going out with friends what i looked forward to most was time spent on which ever smoking porch i might find myself with my favorite people to smoke with. i bought packs of cigarettes for friends so that i could smoke like a chimney all night but not go home with a pack of cigarettes. smoking alone always did what it should have, made me depressed and nauseous. i can pretty much say with some certainty that i never smoked a cigarette alone that i finished or enjoyed.
i don't know how deep my physical addiction was because of these tendencies. it is incredibly hard to sort things like that out due to the fact that emotions are largely dealing with hormones and neurotransmitters, both of which are affected by nicotine. nicotine is a mimic for one of the most common and important neurotransmitters used by the body. nearly every cell in the body that is innervated contains nicotinic receptors. nicotine effects us deep deep down. so though i want to say that i wasn't addicted physically, i can only say that i never experienced regular cravings for cigarettes, it was purely a string of emotions that followed many triggers, all of them social in nature. if trying to quit going to a social gathering of nearly any kind, particularly if it involved alcohol was next to impossible and if i succeeded it was rather miserably. when i did quit i stopped going out for about 3 months and stopped drinking for the same amount of time. each and every time i passed a hurdle of craving i got stronger and stronger until, at this point, i can sit next to one of my favorite smoking buddies, drunk on whiskey and not stir even while she is both making it look sexy and blowing smoke in my direction. that is not to say that i don't have to fight the desire. but i am stronger than it now and i am more important to myself than cigarettes are and that is a good place to be. i have never felt so solid about it before. i have never believed i could do it all the way.
i truly believe that taking such an in depth anatomy and physiology course all year gave me the knowledge that i needed to understand the magnitude of smoking on a living system. there is not a single part of my body that was positively affected by my time with cigarettes. it also helped me to recognize and accept that i am of the age at which my living system is beginning to decline. my ability to heal and to produce those vital materials that make my heart, lungs, skin, brain, bones etc healthy, flexible and strong, are in decline. i simultaneously feel like i am at my peak right now. i am healthy as shit and happy to go along with it. i can achieve physical feats that i have never been able to in my life and my trust in my abilities are at their height. there is no better time to stop doing something that was threatening my health and longevity.
since i have quite smoking i have been exercising very regularly. i have incredible stamina and strength going on in this here body. i know that i am making the reparations that i need to. i am energetic, focused and i have gotten sick much less than i i used to.
jon and i have begun to make plans to hike 210 miles of the pacific crest trail next summer. i love being at a place, both physically and emotionally, where i don't doubt my ability to do something like that and enjoy the hell out of it. things are good, life is good!
in closing, smoking is a crazy habit. i still lust for it occasionally as if it is a long lost friend that is super fun to hang out with. in order to break my ties with it entirely, i had to break my ties with a lot of things for quite some time. i long for the mythical smoking porch most of all. but what is awesome is that i have visited the smoking porches of the world on several occasions now and i am perfectly capable of hanging out there, with my favorites and just not smoking.....but also, i have found that there is generally some cool conversation and party fun going on inside that i had been missing out on all along. i have also realized that most of my friends don't actually smoke and that more people are hanging out somewhere besides the smoking porch at a party. all very interesting things to realize. it is all still hard sometimes but it is hard in a much softer way at this point. for this, i am glad!