school
man sometimes i can be so weird.
i have never in my life cared about school. but i decided to give this semester an honest 100% effort. aiming for all as. got an 89 on my spanish quiz and just cannot stop beating myself up over it. i realize there are tons of other quizzes and they dont all count. but its like im terrified this is the beginning like the sign telling me things are going downhill already.. i think im crazy.
well, maybe i am crazy. im on so many medications right now its amazing i can function really. and they all keep changing. but still. this 89 wont leave me alone. its all i can think about. its hauntig me to no end.
i made a 100 on an art apprecition exam but that just kinda lost all its excitement due to spanish. i know thats warped.
it juts that i really am trying. really eally am. and it just doesnt always show the way i would like it to. im a master at beating myself up over little things.
i really want all as for the first time ever i actually give a shit. im not just merely trying to pass but to do well. to impress my father and show him im not the worthless lazy peice of crap he thinks i am. i owe a lot to ,y [sychiatrist and my meds. they have balanced me out a whole lot. just hate being hte girl nonstop poppin pills in order to finction half as well as he average everyday person. sigh.
maybe ill do better next time.
i just dont want to fuck up, not again. and i dont want to do just better than before. i want good, i want great. i want to blow the socks off my fater and for once have him be really really truly honestly proud of me. i keep telling myself i can do it. but im not even sure i can. just gotta keep hoping im right and that it will happen.
cause everything else right now is mayhem.
i dont want to pack. i still dont know for sure how this is all going to play out.
im waiting to hear back for a job i applied for and just praying to god i get it. it would be perfect. one more thing to slip in place and reassure me. i reall just hate not knowing.
i have never in my life cared about school. but i decided to give this semester an honest 100% effort. aiming for all as. got an 89 on my spanish quiz and just cannot stop beating myself up over it. i realize there are tons of other quizzes and they dont all count. but its like im terrified this is the beginning like the sign telling me things are going downhill already.. i think im crazy.
well, maybe i am crazy. im on so many medications right now its amazing i can function really. and they all keep changing. but still. this 89 wont leave me alone. its all i can think about. its hauntig me to no end.
i made a 100 on an art apprecition exam but that just kinda lost all its excitement due to spanish. i know thats warped.
it juts that i really am trying. really eally am. and it just doesnt always show the way i would like it to. im a master at beating myself up over little things.
i really want all as for the first time ever i actually give a shit. im not just merely trying to pass but to do well. to impress my father and show him im not the worthless lazy peice of crap he thinks i am. i owe a lot to ,y [sychiatrist and my meds. they have balanced me out a whole lot. just hate being hte girl nonstop poppin pills in order to finction half as well as he average everyday person. sigh.
maybe ill do better next time.
i just dont want to fuck up, not again. and i dont want to do just better than before. i want good, i want great. i want to blow the socks off my fater and for once have him be really really truly honestly proud of me. i keep telling myself i can do it. but im not even sure i can. just gotta keep hoping im right and that it will happen.
cause everything else right now is mayhem.
i dont want to pack. i still dont know for sure how this is all going to play out.
im waiting to hear back for a job i applied for and just praying to god i get it. it would be perfect. one more thing to slip in place and reassure me. i reall just hate not knowing.