(no subject)
I'm so sorry. i'm so sorry. hypocritical thoughts.
I sat down this morning on the floor of my old room and looked through Mom's birthday book. A million pictures of their wedding, of references to "John" and how great of a couple they were. He made her the nicest thing for the book. She had the perfect life. She was a working mother with two little girls and the most caring nanny's to take care of us. She'd take care of us, he'd take care of her. Don't say you know because there is no way to understand this. This marriage was perfect, and i can show you the pictures and you can see it. These are the two most honest, gentle people and the pain hurts so much for both of them. They're best friends. Look at the wedding picture when their heads are turned and they're smiling. Everybody promised me and told me how their marriage was the best, how it was MEANT TO BE. How could she LEAVE? How can she leave that birthday book behind, how can she stand having lived this many years, and having an apartment with no more than ten photos. She's had the best life, of traveling and teenage thrills, of education and living, of meeting boys, of doing drugs, of getting married, of having two babies, of working with her friends. Six years from now, their babies will be gone, and where are you going to be? How the hell could anybody think i'm okay? Maybe it's because i say i am.
I slept in Laine's bed last night, she wasn't home. The dog peed on my bed and Dad wouldn't let me sleep in his bed, and there was no guestroom i wanted to or could sleep in. The phone woke me up. I saw Molly and Erica and we went to the apartment and lay on the beds, and went to Tully's and bought coffee. All three of us have changed so much, i don't know if we'll ever have those times of Eamon and those smells and inside jokes again...everything's changed. I miss her a lot, and i don't think she realizes how much she means to me as a friend. I always thought that after THIS weekend, we'd all hang out in Molly's basement and everything would happen the same...i hope it does...I don't know what i miss.
I rowed with the experienced during crew, which was one of the scariest experiences I've had. It was a 1k race with the other boats, and it didn't go as badly as it could have, but i definitly have a lot to grow into.
HEAR ME.
I sat down this morning on the floor of my old room and looked through Mom's birthday book. A million pictures of their wedding, of references to "John" and how great of a couple they were. He made her the nicest thing for the book. She had the perfect life. She was a working mother with two little girls and the most caring nanny's to take care of us. She'd take care of us, he'd take care of her. Don't say you know because there is no way to understand this. This marriage was perfect, and i can show you the pictures and you can see it. These are the two most honest, gentle people and the pain hurts so much for both of them. They're best friends. Look at the wedding picture when their heads are turned and they're smiling. Everybody promised me and told me how their marriage was the best, how it was MEANT TO BE. How could she LEAVE? How can she leave that birthday book behind, how can she stand having lived this many years, and having an apartment with no more than ten photos. She's had the best life, of traveling and teenage thrills, of education and living, of meeting boys, of doing drugs, of getting married, of having two babies, of working with her friends. Six years from now, their babies will be gone, and where are you going to be? How the hell could anybody think i'm okay? Maybe it's because i say i am.
I slept in Laine's bed last night, she wasn't home. The dog peed on my bed and Dad wouldn't let me sleep in his bed, and there was no guestroom i wanted to or could sleep in. The phone woke me up. I saw Molly and Erica and we went to the apartment and lay on the beds, and went to Tully's and bought coffee. All three of us have changed so much, i don't know if we'll ever have those times of Eamon and those smells and inside jokes again...everything's changed. I miss her a lot, and i don't think she realizes how much she means to me as a friend. I always thought that after THIS weekend, we'd all hang out in Molly's basement and everything would happen the same...i hope it does...I don't know what i miss.
I rowed with the experienced during crew, which was one of the scariest experiences I've had. It was a 1k race with the other boats, and it didn't go as badly as it could have, but i definitly have a lot to grow into.
HEAR ME.