(no subject)
i'm almost out of pages in my journal and am feeling the need to vent/cry/scream/etc
i hate feeling like this, especially since it is hard to explain cos I myself don't understand it as yet.
here goes...
I don't want him going to the party. I know she doesn't want him (she's too busy leading on four other guys so...) but I stil don't want him there. I don't want him being 'friends' with her, I don't want him anywhere near her. She annoys me because she thinks she is so freaking good but she isn't. No one likes her, except guys that want an easy shag. Maybe that's why I don't want her around - i case i do stuff things up and he runs to her...
i don't want him out all saturday night at her party, with her 'friends' having a good time without me. I don't want him dressing up, i don't want people making a fuss of him, I don't want there to be laughter and picking on each other. He plays with her the way he plays with me ( i told him this) yet he still does it.
I don't want to loose him over this, but feel like i will. if i was him i'd have left ages ago. i'm being a brat, i know, but every time her name comes up my stomach knots up and twists and my entire body tenses like i'm about to snap. i think this is what one would call REAL HATRED... maybe... i've never hated anyone before so I don't know.
I know that he loves me. He tries to make me feel better when i'm like this but i can tell he's annoyed too. things would be so much easier if she just went away and didn't come back. i hate that she's always around, always making me feel bad. she invited everyone else to her party except me and tara... but she invited the boys. i didn't expect an invite, i was prepared for that, but tara...? that is just rude. especially cos she doesn't even know steve. AAAAHAHAHRHHRHRHR...
I'm at the point where I can actually picture my life five years away, and not only am I happy... there is a baby in my belly and Aarons hands are the ones feeling for a kick.
soppy? too much? yes, i think so too... which is why this stays quiet forever.
I think what's happening is that it's starting to be real for me now, not just a muck-around, fill-in-time type relationship. The problem is that if I tell him I'm scared he'll run away. Part of us being together is him being able to listen to me, and maybe this Psycho Stalker Girl issue is a test?? I'm not conciously doing it, but maybe it is? Or maybe I'm pushing him away, testing the limits? I don't mean to, and I don't want that to happen. I just want her GONE and I want him HERE
So what have I worked out?
1 I love him
2 He loves me
3 I HATE her - she is a bitch
4 I hate me at the moment cos I'm like this
5 If I don't stop soon he'll get sick of me too
6 This party is happening and he is going (even though i secretly don't want him to)
7 I'm ready to settle
8 I need to back off... and control my anger (I can't kick her in the head even though I could, and keep envisioning so)
9 Tonight should do me some good
10 Ok, so I didn't work out much............
i hate feeling like this, especially since it is hard to explain cos I myself don't understand it as yet.
here goes...
I don't want him going to the party. I know she doesn't want him (she's too busy leading on four other guys so...) but I stil don't want him there. I don't want him being 'friends' with her, I don't want him anywhere near her. She annoys me because she thinks she is so freaking good but she isn't. No one likes her, except guys that want an easy shag. Maybe that's why I don't want her around - i case i do stuff things up and he runs to her...
i don't want him out all saturday night at her party, with her 'friends' having a good time without me. I don't want him dressing up, i don't want people making a fuss of him, I don't want there to be laughter and picking on each other. He plays with her the way he plays with me ( i told him this) yet he still does it.
I don't want to loose him over this, but feel like i will. if i was him i'd have left ages ago. i'm being a brat, i know, but every time her name comes up my stomach knots up and twists and my entire body tenses like i'm about to snap. i think this is what one would call REAL HATRED... maybe... i've never hated anyone before so I don't know.
I know that he loves me. He tries to make me feel better when i'm like this but i can tell he's annoyed too. things would be so much easier if she just went away and didn't come back. i hate that she's always around, always making me feel bad. she invited everyone else to her party except me and tara... but she invited the boys. i didn't expect an invite, i was prepared for that, but tara...? that is just rude. especially cos she doesn't even know steve. AAAAHAHAHRHHRHRHR...
I'm at the point where I can actually picture my life five years away, and not only am I happy... there is a baby in my belly and Aarons hands are the ones feeling for a kick.
soppy? too much? yes, i think so too... which is why this stays quiet forever.
I think what's happening is that it's starting to be real for me now, not just a muck-around, fill-in-time type relationship. The problem is that if I tell him I'm scared he'll run away. Part of us being together is him being able to listen to me, and maybe this Psycho Stalker Girl issue is a test?? I'm not conciously doing it, but maybe it is? Or maybe I'm pushing him away, testing the limits? I don't mean to, and I don't want that to happen. I just want her GONE and I want him HERE
So what have I worked out?
1 I love him
2 He loves me
3 I HATE her - she is a bitch
4 I hate me at the moment cos I'm like this
5 If I don't stop soon he'll get sick of me too
6 This party is happening and he is going (even though i secretly don't want him to)
7 I'm ready to settle
8 I need to back off... and control my anger (I can't kick her in the head even though I could, and keep envisioning so)
9 Tonight should do me some good
10 Ok, so I didn't work out much............