tell me what do you do when it all falls apart?
"don't know where i parked my car//don't know who my real friends are! (anymore)//and not to mention(i drank too much)"
this is the life i live. i don't know if i'm dysfunctional, since i only have my own spotted mental health record to use as a basis for comparison, but at this rate it doesn't really matter.
everything i have has fallen apart, almost. alright, alright, i guess that's an exaggeration. about 70% of my life is completely turned upside down right about now.
there is literally one person on this campus that i actually consider my "friend", and by this i mean one person that i feel i could call right now, one person that will be seeing me tomorrow, one person who will sit with me in the cafeteria, one person who will go to a party with me....
for about five days straight i slept roughly 15 hours a day. monday i woke up, went to one class, went back to sleep, got food, went back to sleep, went to a class, went back to sleep, ate dinner alone, and went to sleep.
friday night was great...and then saturday was beautiful. i got back to my room, showered, took an apple and my sonic drink and went out to write in the gorgeous fall sun. i sent LA a text about going to the park. she said she'd call me whenever she got back on campus from eating.
she hasn't talked to me since. i am not astounded, but i am confused. she was the only one who stuck through all the shit of the past month with me, and now she drops me for something and i don't know exactly what.
okay, so i screwed up friday and made a mistake, but it only involved one person. one person! a person who LA isn't even particularly close with, she bitches about her all the time! and it doesn't make sense that she'd quit being my friend over ONE other person when she didn't quit my side when it was us against over a dozen people.
so its been over a month and none of them talk to me. worse, its contagious. i walked past cody and he looked at the concrete. i haven't been to a happy hour in weeks.
not only that but no one seems to want to be my friend. i try. maybe not awfully hard, because as of late i've been in this sunken hole of depression so dark i thought i'd never get out...and then, here we are. i woke up today to frigid weather and the sun was shining and suddenly all was right in my world. i just chilled with Chris and I couldn't think of a negative thing to say, or a reason to stop smiling.
I have an incredibly difficult english essay due monday that i have yet to start. Whoops.
here we are. i have lost the two best friends i had on this campus, the entire crew i hung with, i sit in class next to people that i spent the majority of my waking hours with and they do not even acknowledge me, i walk alone, i eat alone, i sleep. my phone never rings. my house is still not a house, still no electricity, nothing has started since there is no electricity, i am spending all the money i have on new winter clothes, my social anxiety is acting up beyond belief, i haven't vacuumed in weeks,
cap it all off this weekend is not an ordinary weekend, its homecoming. the biggest party weekend of the year and i have no friends. i have no alums who want to see me, because they are all in the group that now hates me. the parties i would've gone to are at houses i cannot go to. my mom asked what i was going to be for halloween. why dress up when you don't have anywhere to go?
i will get through this. hell.
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
this is the life i live. i don't know if i'm dysfunctional, since i only have my own spotted mental health record to use as a basis for comparison, but at this rate it doesn't really matter.
everything i have has fallen apart, almost. alright, alright, i guess that's an exaggeration. about 70% of my life is completely turned upside down right about now.
there is literally one person on this campus that i actually consider my "friend", and by this i mean one person that i feel i could call right now, one person that will be seeing me tomorrow, one person who will sit with me in the cafeteria, one person who will go to a party with me....
for about five days straight i slept roughly 15 hours a day. monday i woke up, went to one class, went back to sleep, got food, went back to sleep, went to a class, went back to sleep, ate dinner alone, and went to sleep.
friday night was great...and then saturday was beautiful. i got back to my room, showered, took an apple and my sonic drink and went out to write in the gorgeous fall sun. i sent LA a text about going to the park. she said she'd call me whenever she got back on campus from eating.
she hasn't talked to me since. i am not astounded, but i am confused. she was the only one who stuck through all the shit of the past month with me, and now she drops me for something and i don't know exactly what.
okay, so i screwed up friday and made a mistake, but it only involved one person. one person! a person who LA isn't even particularly close with, she bitches about her all the time! and it doesn't make sense that she'd quit being my friend over ONE other person when she didn't quit my side when it was us against over a dozen people.
so its been over a month and none of them talk to me. worse, its contagious. i walked past cody and he looked at the concrete. i haven't been to a happy hour in weeks.
not only that but no one seems to want to be my friend. i try. maybe not awfully hard, because as of late i've been in this sunken hole of depression so dark i thought i'd never get out...and then, here we are. i woke up today to frigid weather and the sun was shining and suddenly all was right in my world. i just chilled with Chris and I couldn't think of a negative thing to say, or a reason to stop smiling.
I have an incredibly difficult english essay due monday that i have yet to start. Whoops.
here we are. i have lost the two best friends i had on this campus, the entire crew i hung with, i sit in class next to people that i spent the majority of my waking hours with and they do not even acknowledge me, i walk alone, i eat alone, i sleep. my phone never rings. my house is still not a house, still no electricity, nothing has started since there is no electricity, i am spending all the money i have on new winter clothes, my social anxiety is acting up beyond belief, i haven't vacuumed in weeks,
cap it all off this weekend is not an ordinary weekend, its homecoming. the biggest party weekend of the year and i have no friends. i have no alums who want to see me, because they are all in the group that now hates me. the parties i would've gone to are at houses i cannot go to. my mom asked what i was going to be for halloween. why dress up when you don't have anywhere to go?
i will get through this. hell.
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)