sometimes you just have to cry. and cry.
and for this i don't know if i will ever run out of tears.
i can function, i am fine.
until i think about it, or
some glimpse of her comes flashing past,
and then i lose it all over again.
because i still don't feel as if this is real.
this doesn't really seem fair.
stephen just texted me. his step-sisters boyfriend died suddenly. he was 25.
i said it was horrible and then i started crying.
its like every time i look at emilys page, or austins, i think that the other shouldn't be gone, too. i expect to read heartwrenching messages on emilys wall from austin, missing his girlfriend. it doesn't compute that they are both dead.
i wear her necklace and everytime the backing swings around ("someones thinking of you") i smile hoping it is her.
i wait for her in my dreams, and i am delighted when she shows up and we eat fast food "no, i want pizza!"
i wake with guilt washing over me when i recall my dream self being annoyed that i had to drive down to her house and back.
i would always drive, emily,
i would always drive if you came back.
it still doesn't feel REAL. i cannot for the life of me accept that death is permanent.
and how often do we have to taste tragedy? how much does life have to hurt? God, i know the rest isn't the same without the pain, but does it have to come in such large doses, such crippling memories of the happiness that the pain just rips you to shreds?
make this make sense, God.
i got Emilys favorite flowers, pink roses, tattooed on me. A single pink rose to match the bouquet that was on her casket. Above curls her name. Simple, tiny, cute. There forever to remind me of the girl. <3
i can function, i am fine.
until i think about it, or
some glimpse of her comes flashing past,
and then i lose it all over again.
because i still don't feel as if this is real.
this doesn't really seem fair.
stephen just texted me. his step-sisters boyfriend died suddenly. he was 25.
i said it was horrible and then i started crying.
its like every time i look at emilys page, or austins, i think that the other shouldn't be gone, too. i expect to read heartwrenching messages on emilys wall from austin, missing his girlfriend. it doesn't compute that they are both dead.
i wear her necklace and everytime the backing swings around ("someones thinking of you") i smile hoping it is her.
i wait for her in my dreams, and i am delighted when she shows up and we eat fast food "no, i want pizza!"
i wake with guilt washing over me when i recall my dream self being annoyed that i had to drive down to her house and back.
i would always drive, emily,
i would always drive if you came back.
it still doesn't feel REAL. i cannot for the life of me accept that death is permanent.
and how often do we have to taste tragedy? how much does life have to hurt? God, i know the rest isn't the same without the pain, but does it have to come in such large doses, such crippling memories of the happiness that the pain just rips you to shreds?
make this make sense, God.
i got Emilys favorite flowers, pink roses, tattooed on me. A single pink rose to match the bouquet that was on her casket. Above curls her name. Simple, tiny, cute. There forever to remind me of the girl. <3