So Much...
This morning was amazing. The weather finally hit in the low 50's and tonight it'll hit the 40's. I'm loving every second of it (not just because I feel that way inside!). Sunday was one of the best days I've had in years. I woke up and was reading my book outside the whole day, until it was getting dark and the mosquitos were becoming merciless.
I finished the book about half an hour ago. It's amazing!!! That f***er knows he's smart! I hate that so much, I'm laughing!! No seriously, Nicholas Evans is marvelous. He doesn't describe scenes without significance to the story, and the end made me cry in relief, laugh in excitement, and scream in exultation. I've never read so many books in a couple of months. I know it's not much compared to some, but counting this last one, I've read 7 books since August. (Yay for me!)
Well, this morning was exciting. We developed our films and they all came out fine! I can't wait for tomorrow when we'll start doing test strips for the pictures my teacher chooses. The whole school day has been very well, and the only reason I wanted to come home was to finish my book!
Now that it's finished, I'm filled with hope, understanding, and emptiness. How? Well, hope because (even though this novel is a work of fiction), it gives me a sense of being able to break barriers and do what I believe, like travel and grow spiritually, and relearn to listen to the spirit of nature.
Understanding because of the journey of these characters, how I envy their experiences and their growing knowledge of themselves and things around them. I would love to quote the ending words but I'm afraid to ruin the book in case anyone wants to read it.
And emptiness, well... The visions of happiness I created with time in my mind are fogging, as much as I try to clear them and keep an open heart about my situation. But I've done all I could, and I see no hint at all of any form of acknowledgment to my efforts because I see none from the opposite party, and it hurts. It's like yelling out into the wind and having it carry your cries of distress into the abyss, and then the calmness settles, leaving no trace of your sorrow except for the moist on the floor at your bending knees. And if there are small hints of acknowledgment, they are either so small that it would be difficult to detect, or I'm just so tangled in my misery and pity that it would only be seen to an intense believer.
It's been too long since I've exposed all my true emotions to anyone around me. I had a relationship with my boyfriend where we could say what we felt about anything, and we could talk for hours about anything, nonstop. I had that practically everyday for almost 2 years. Since we've broken up, it hasn't even gotten close to how we were. Sometimes I know I can talk to him about somethings, at least to let it out, but then I close up and feel that it's not for his ears to know. I'm saving it for the one who's not talking to me, isn't it weird? Who knows how long I can wait!! *Dramatic Face* EEEEEKK! I need to be open with someone again! Grrrrrrrr!
Well, I'm not gonna wait, but I'm not gonna move on (how many times have I said that already?). I currently have too many doubts and have a jar left of hope to last me a while longer.
I was thinking while I was in chemistry about how my ex told me he sacrificed so many afternoons that he should have been working on a project or studying to talk to me instead. And look? He got good grades and all, but look what ended up happening. We're not together and he wasted time that he could have been learning something. And that's exactly... what's NOT gonna happen to me! ; )~
Whether he ever finds out how I've been feeling, and whether he finds it offensive to his character and his faith in this, SO WHAT! Hell, if I put someone through this kind of anguish, wretchedness, torment, agony, grief, woe, and all those other lovely words, I think I'd be very aware of it and be emotionally distraught. If I was aware, then I'd stop the suffering, and if I wasn't aware, then I'd beg for mercy and forgiveness for the rest of my life! It's just not right...
I have all this love to give... Wow... I just realized that maybe it should go to someone who's worth it and who wants my love as badly as I want to give it. Ain't that some sh*t? It sux @$$ but it's true. I'm not completely shutting the door of relationships now... I'm just gonna live my life, learn, meet people, and be happy until the day someone realizes my worth and wants to share the world with me. I could give three sh*ts if I sound self-absorbed. I know the kind of love I can give, why would I want to give it away to someone who wouldn't want it or cherish it and will end up hurting me? I'm slowly healing, so excuse anymore comments related to this subject.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Moving on!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After this week of school, it's going to be relieving and stressful at the same time because of all the work due when we get back. Oh well, that's life. You can never really take a vacation because something is always going wrong in the universe.
In my English class today, we were commenting on how politicians were back in the day. They fought, obviously, not just for freedom, but for the benefit of the people. Paine, Franklin, Washington; they risked their lives and their reputation for things they believed were just. Politicians today are a joke. It's actually quite pitiful. All they have in mind are the benefits of their pockets and their wallets and their many bank accounts-even if starving people are living right in this country. "Who cares, as long as the healthy ones are spending. Hey wait! We have to figure out more ways to manipulate them into thinking they can't exist without purchasing this!"
If you can't beat them, then please don't join them either. I figured a long time ago to just live your little life in the bubble we all individually create on how life is supposed to be lived. I prefer to one day be able to financially take care of my family and be able to travel. But let's face it! I'm lazy, in the sense that I want all this with little effort on my part, and I still haven't made up my mind on what I should study (whether I go to college or not). Let's face it: In the near future, people who are hiring will pick the persons who have evidence of a higher knowledge, such as someone who graduated from a college or university. It shows effort and skills and work-ethics.
But what can I say? I'm not gonna dive for something that's unreachable or ends up being distasteful to then look back and curse myself for not choosing wisely and using my time productively.
Alrighty, I've already written enough. And a word of advice to the future me (because I'm the only one that's gonna read my entries), "F*** 'EM!!!" & Live, Learn, and someday Love.
C-yyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!
I finished the book about half an hour ago. It's amazing!!! That f***er knows he's smart! I hate that so much, I'm laughing!! No seriously, Nicholas Evans is marvelous. He doesn't describe scenes without significance to the story, and the end made me cry in relief, laugh in excitement, and scream in exultation. I've never read so many books in a couple of months. I know it's not much compared to some, but counting this last one, I've read 7 books since August. (Yay for me!)
Well, this morning was exciting. We developed our films and they all came out fine! I can't wait for tomorrow when we'll start doing test strips for the pictures my teacher chooses. The whole school day has been very well, and the only reason I wanted to come home was to finish my book!
Now that it's finished, I'm filled with hope, understanding, and emptiness. How? Well, hope because (even though this novel is a work of fiction), it gives me a sense of being able to break barriers and do what I believe, like travel and grow spiritually, and relearn to listen to the spirit of nature.
Understanding because of the journey of these characters, how I envy their experiences and their growing knowledge of themselves and things around them. I would love to quote the ending words but I'm afraid to ruin the book in case anyone wants to read it.
And emptiness, well... The visions of happiness I created with time in my mind are fogging, as much as I try to clear them and keep an open heart about my situation. But I've done all I could, and I see no hint at all of any form of acknowledgment to my efforts because I see none from the opposite party, and it hurts. It's like yelling out into the wind and having it carry your cries of distress into the abyss, and then the calmness settles, leaving no trace of your sorrow except for the moist on the floor at your bending knees. And if there are small hints of acknowledgment, they are either so small that it would be difficult to detect, or I'm just so tangled in my misery and pity that it would only be seen to an intense believer.
It's been too long since I've exposed all my true emotions to anyone around me. I had a relationship with my boyfriend where we could say what we felt about anything, and we could talk for hours about anything, nonstop. I had that practically everyday for almost 2 years. Since we've broken up, it hasn't even gotten close to how we were. Sometimes I know I can talk to him about somethings, at least to let it out, but then I close up and feel that it's not for his ears to know. I'm saving it for the one who's not talking to me, isn't it weird? Who knows how long I can wait!! *Dramatic Face* EEEEEKK! I need to be open with someone again! Grrrrrrrr!
Well, I'm not gonna wait, but I'm not gonna move on (how many times have I said that already?). I currently have too many doubts and have a jar left of hope to last me a while longer.
I was thinking while I was in chemistry about how my ex told me he sacrificed so many afternoons that he should have been working on a project or studying to talk to me instead. And look? He got good grades and all, but look what ended up happening. We're not together and he wasted time that he could have been learning something. And that's exactly... what's NOT gonna happen to me! ; )~
Whether he ever finds out how I've been feeling, and whether he finds it offensive to his character and his faith in this, SO WHAT! Hell, if I put someone through this kind of anguish, wretchedness, torment, agony, grief, woe, and all those other lovely words, I think I'd be very aware of it and be emotionally distraught. If I was aware, then I'd stop the suffering, and if I wasn't aware, then I'd beg for mercy and forgiveness for the rest of my life! It's just not right...
I have all this love to give... Wow... I just realized that maybe it should go to someone who's worth it and who wants my love as badly as I want to give it. Ain't that some sh*t? It sux @$$ but it's true. I'm not completely shutting the door of relationships now... I'm just gonna live my life, learn, meet people, and be happy until the day someone realizes my worth and wants to share the world with me. I could give three sh*ts if I sound self-absorbed. I know the kind of love I can give, why would I want to give it away to someone who wouldn't want it or cherish it and will end up hurting me? I'm slowly healing, so excuse anymore comments related to this subject.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Moving on!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After this week of school, it's going to be relieving and stressful at the same time because of all the work due when we get back. Oh well, that's life. You can never really take a vacation because something is always going wrong in the universe.
In my English class today, we were commenting on how politicians were back in the day. They fought, obviously, not just for freedom, but for the benefit of the people. Paine, Franklin, Washington; they risked their lives and their reputation for things they believed were just. Politicians today are a joke. It's actually quite pitiful. All they have in mind are the benefits of their pockets and their wallets and their many bank accounts-even if starving people are living right in this country. "Who cares, as long as the healthy ones are spending. Hey wait! We have to figure out more ways to manipulate them into thinking they can't exist without purchasing this!"
If you can't beat them, then please don't join them either. I figured a long time ago to just live your little life in the bubble we all individually create on how life is supposed to be lived. I prefer to one day be able to financially take care of my family and be able to travel. But let's face it! I'm lazy, in the sense that I want all this with little effort on my part, and I still haven't made up my mind on what I should study (whether I go to college or not). Let's face it: In the near future, people who are hiring will pick the persons who have evidence of a higher knowledge, such as someone who graduated from a college or university. It shows effort and skills and work-ethics.
But what can I say? I'm not gonna dive for something that's unreachable or ends up being distasteful to then look back and curse myself for not choosing wisely and using my time productively.
Alrighty, I've already written enough. And a word of advice to the future me (because I'm the only one that's gonna read my entries), "F*** 'EM!!!" & Live, Learn, and someday Love.
C-yyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!