Lithium
Title: Lithium
Author: yesunglover
Length: Oneshot
Rating: R
Pairing: Heechul x Yesung
Summary: He had been a bit off that day, a little too loud and a little too high. I thought he was a bit mad smiling the way he did. I noticed how fast he was going but the wind whipping through my hair was all too refreshing and there wasn’t any traffic going up Ansan anyway.
A/N: Yeah, I don’t know where this came from even if it took me ages to write it. It’s just messed up in my opinion. It’s unbeta’ed so bear with me ♥
100 Fics Challenge Prompt # 6 - Burn
100 Fics Archive
There was never an indication that he even saw me as someone he would associate himself with because he never really had that much patience for me or anyone else for that matter, being the most sought out image consultant in a small but exclusive company, his bluntness was known to aid his efficiency and scar the underlings which had led me to think that the rest of us mere mortals are somewhat beneath him but he was decent to me that one time he decided to take up on our offhanded offer and joined us at the bar near our office for our daily wind down.
He had chosen to stick close to me and confessed that he never really liked crowded places and prefers to drink alone. He wasn’t as loud and obnoxious as he was at work and he wasn’t that much of a talker surprisingly. I on the other hand was rambling about nothing and everything just because I felt responsible not to neglect him while the others chattered away among themselves. That was until he told me to shut up and let him enjoy his beer.
It wasn’t so bad really sitting at the bar with him. He seems almost nice with his mouth shut and I figured he couldn’t be an insufferable bastard all the time right? He insisted on driving me home that evening while leaving those without a ride to fend for themselves, I guess that’s what I get for actually accompanying him, normally I would just take the bus home. Of course I accepted the offer graciously. I did after all deserve that passenger seat in that silver Jaguar convertible of his.
He didn’t join us again after that but we would see him at the bar alone every Friday. I found myself drifting to him on those nights even though talking to him hasn’t gotten any easier but sometimes at a miraculous stroke of brilliance or just plain stupidity, I could weasel a smile out of him. Not the rotten ones he was famous for or the ones he pasted for clients but a proper smile. On a good day I can even hear him chuckle.
He would often offer me a ride but more often than not I would decline him. I wouldn’t want him to think that I’m licking his boots just so I could have a free mode of luxurious transportation every Friday.
It was during a weekend when he first called me. My brain groggy from my afternoon nap was rather slow on the uptake and it didn’t hit me until we ended the call that I had never given him my number. The source of the phone call was a perplexing thought as I set about the motions of dressing up. I couldn’t imagine what he wanted from me even though he said we’re just going to check out some apparel for his new clients and would like me to come along. But isn’t that his assistant’s job?
I didn’t dwell too much upon it though and slid on a beanie since I didn’t have time to iron my hair.
Turned out we did check out a few boutiques and he did pick up some stuff.
He was a demanding shopper, very specific on what he wants and has an impeccable taste. In that space of few hours I spent observing and listening bits of info he shared, I think I learned more from him than I ever did from my mentor back when I was an assistant in another company.
He casually suggested having dinner together and we ended up eating in a tent rather than in some posh or comfortable ambience restaurant I expected him to dine in. He just smirked when I told him what I initially thought of him and replied with a snooty It’s not everyday I lower my standards for someone. Which makes him alright to me although it sounded like he’s making a dig at me, I knew he wasn’t so maybe I’m alright to him too.
Then it became a sort of a regular thing for us. He for the most of the time would call me up and we’ll go out to have dinner or hang out at a LAN gaming busting some ass or get our ass busted or scream our lungs out at a karaoke club…doing normal stuffs that I couldn’t imagine him doing.
He’s a bit of a cam whore himself from what I’ve seen in his phone. That was some of the things we had in common with the only difference of me being better at it. He had called me a narcissist then and we took a selca together after just so to prove I’m right.
But of all the things that he likes, he loves driving the best. We would just cruise along the highways from one end to the other end of Seoul and always, always the river bank under Banghwa Bridge would be our last stop.
Except for that one night.
* * *
He had been a bit off that day, a little too loud and a little too high. I thought he was a bit mad smiling the way he did. I noticed how fast he was going but the wind whipping through my hair was all too refreshing and there wasn’t any traffic going up Ansan anyway.
“Nice hair.” He commented when we finally pulled up somewhere near the top.
I shoved him away playfully and fussed with my hair. He grinned and watched me for a bit before jumping off the car and did a ridiculous jiggle to a girly pop song blaring from the radio. I laughed at his antics and got out too only to have him drag me away.
“Wait hyung, what are you doing?!” I asked alarmed that he already had a leg over the road’s railing.
He cackled “Come on, it’s not like the ground dropped right off, there’s a few good meters ahead.”
“Okay, stop pulling.” I shrugged him off gingerly climbing over and sat down on the rail quickly. He smirked and turned away taking a few steps closer to the edge of the cliff. “Hyung stop that what are you doing?”
It creep me out watching him standing silently with his arms spread wide in the ghostly moonlight. The wind was picking up and I wanted to just pull him away before he loses his balance or something.
“Hyung come on it’s not funny.” I was positively whining. I don’t know what has gotten into him.
“No, you come here and try it. It feels awesome Jongwoon.”
“No thanks.” He spun around and eyed me. I swear he’s determined to give me a heart seizure rocking back and forth on his heels like that.
“Come on, I won’t let you fall.” He stretched out his arm with an eager grin.
I had half a mind to just run back to his car but was afraid he would stay there longer just to spite me.
“Just look ahead.” He whispered.
My pulse quickened as he guided me forward with both of his palms on my hips, smelling traces of his cologne in the wind and I could almost feel his warmth on my back. “Don’t look down. Now stop.”
I wanted to laugh when he ordered me to spread my arms and close my eyes. I was reminded of Rose in Titanic and was about to quote her when his arm slid around my middle and my back came in contact with his chest.
“Step back a little, you’re too far out.”
I’m not sure why I was shivering. Maybe it’s the wind or the trepidation we’re going to get ourselves killed or maybe the fact he was holding me like that. He chuckled.
“Why are you shaking? Relax.”
“Shut up! I’m cold and freaked out right now!” I snapped irritated that I should feel embarrassed. He chuckled again.
“Okay, chill” he said to soothe my ruffled feathers and shifted on his feet behind me. “Now relax, don’t think, just feel the wind, smell it.” My skin tingles right down to my toes at the barest brush of his lips as he whispered in my ear. I drew in a breath, concentrating on his voice rather than the pleasant buzz coursing through me. “That’s right, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out…”
His words trailed off, his own breath in sync with mine like we were one instead of two separate beings. The rhythm lulling my conscious to sleep and yet I’m awake, half bound by the earth beneath me and soaring in the wind. It was a strange feeling… If I were to step off the cliff, would I be able to fly?
My eyes snapped wide open as gravity jerked my guts downwards and my mouth threaten to vomit my heart out along with my scream. And I screamed and screamed, in horror first then in shock disbelieve. My palms scraped against the ground and tiny pebbles digging into my knees. I’m still alive.
Over the deafening thundering of my heartbeat I heard him cackle. It dispelled me off my immobility as anger swept through me. I was furious at his idea of a joke. It was sick and I lunged at him “What the hell is the matter with you?! You could have killed me?!”
“Please, you weren’t even anywhere near the edge.” He sneered gripping onto my wrist tightly. “Careful” he says when I tried to wrench my hand away “you don’t want o fall over.”
He lets go of my hand and I pushed past him, crossing the low barricade to safety of the deserted road before I could do anything drastic that will actually kill us both.
“Hey come on, you gotta admit it was funny.”
“No it’s not!” I swerved around to face him “There’s nothing funny about that hyung! How could you do that?! Something could have seriously gone wrong!”
“But nothing went wrong, you’re still alive and you’re over reacting.”
I never knew how much it hurts to hit someone. I have never thrown a punch before because I never had a reason to and now I’ve found one.
“How’s that for over reacting?” I spat and stalked away with my hand throbbing.
I didn’t turn back to look at him, I just kept on walking and walking, making my way down the winding road and fuming to myself. Soon enough I heard his car and he zoomed past me. That bastard, he toyed with my life for the sake of entertainment and now he’s left me to eat his dust. It pissed me off more than I already was.
But my anger didn’t last long as logic started to kick in. Here I was a long way from home after midnight and cabs are surely hard to come by at this hour and I still need to get down from the mountain even though I’ve been walking like forever. Stupid Heechul, the least he could do is sent me home. I let out a long suffering sigh. The stupid one here is me isn’t it? I really regretted hitting him.
That was when I spotted headlights rushing towards me.
“Get in.” I stared at him stupidly. I didn’t know if I should be happy he came back for me and possibly saving me from buying a new pair of shoes or I should stick to my pride which was thinning from weariness. “Get in Jongwoon, I don’t want to be stuck out here the whole night.”
Screw pride, who needs them. I hopped in with a grand show of reluctance and almost sigh in bliss as I rested my feet.
I woke up to the sound of my name and a hand shaking my shoulder. The silent ride must have dozed me off and I looked around, stretching myself and noticed the top’s up. Then I remembered the fight we had earlier. I wasn’t mad anymore, I had cancelled out what he did to me the moment he came to pick me up and I felt really sorry for punching him. I unbuckled my seatbelt slowly and fussed with my clothes. I knew I was dallying but I just wanted to know if he’s alright.
“Are you getting off or not?”
I quailed at the tone of his voice. It was cold and impersonal and I found myself reaching out for him to take a good look at his face. He winced but didn’t slap my hands away like I expected him to. In the dim light from the overhead lights of the parking lot, I could make out a bruise on the left corner of his mouth. “I’m sorry hyung.”
The next second I was struggling against him with his tongue in my mouth, fighting away from the harsh pressure of his lips and his nails digging into my scalp. His strength belied his appearance. He was strong and he was crushing me but I somehow manage to slip from his grasp, shoving him with all my might and backed away against the door with the back of my hand wiping away at my swollen lips. And I stared at him, stared at his features dazed with confusion as if he didn’t understand why he was pushed away.
I bolted away before he could reach for me and ran towards my building. Hidden away, I traced my lips and my other hand reached for my chest as if to hold my heart in. I didn’t know how long I stood slumped against the wall but it was long enough to hear his car squealed out of the parking lot.
* * *
I laid on my front staring blearily at my phone on the bed stand. It has stopped ringing for awhile now but I was afraid to move. I feared that if I move a single inch it will start wailing again like it did seven hours ago. It was already one now. That was how long I’ve been awake and I never wake up before eleven on week ends.
I didn’t need to see who it was that had called me. I knew it was Heechul. I heaved out a sigh as last night played over and over in my head. I am confused as to why I should feel guilty when I hadn’t warranted it at all. Okay, so maybe it’s a bad thing that I’m not answering his calls, maybe I ought to be guilty about that but I don’t know how I should handle this. I couldn’t just act normal after last night. I had never been kissed by a guy before and he practically forced it on me. Although I didn’t find it repulsive, it did freaked me out. After all, we are friends and if he had regarded me as one, he knows he could talk to me instead of jumping me like that. I propped myself up with a sigh, might as well get up and feed myself.
After my shower, I felt a lot more lively than when I first woke up, moving about purposefully in my apartment with a general idea of how I would spend my Sunday. I pocketed my wallet and keys as I slipped on a pair of old sneakers, studiously ignoring the jingle of my phone I left in my room and open the door.
“Not answering your phone?” Heechul asked stonily as I stood frozen in the doorway and stared at his pale face almost hidden by the black hoodie he has over his head. He looked like crap, the shadows under his eyes were hideously conspicuous as they studied me from head to toe. In the background I could still hear 2NE1 Pretty Boy emitting shrilly from my phone and the silence rang through me as he clicked his phone shut and pushed himself off the wall. “Going somewhere?”
“Um… I was just going to…” The sentence just trailed of as I opted to cease with the pleasantries and stepped back into my apartment with my shoes off and strode towards the living room. The door slammed shut behind me. “What are you doing here hyung?”
He didn’t answer me immediately but paced back and forth in front of the TV, muttering under his breath as I watched him from the couch. Dark mutterings which became louder and louder that I was able to comprehend a single sentence he was repeating over and over again with increasing agitation. It was a mistake letting him in.
“Why didn’t you answer my calls?!” He screamed furiously and grabbed something from the TV cabinet
I cringed screwing my eyes shut as pieces of clay and glass rained on me from where they were smashed on the wall near my head. He was hurling my ornaments at me, screaming away like he’s gone mad. What else would he do next once he’s found he had run out of things to throw at me? Go for the kitchen knives? For once I feared for my life and it snapped me into moving, jumping out of the way just in time as my glass apple sailed through the air and busted on the wall.
“I didn’t want to deal with you okay!” I screamed back at him, frustrated that I’ve distanced myself in affectively as I would have if I had jumped off my second floor balcony. His long fingers wrapped tightly around my elbows within two long strides.
“Why?!”
“Let me go hyung! You’re being weird!” His grip slackened, arms falling away limply by his side and he stumbles backward. The livid glare he was piercing me with moments ago vanished into anguish.
“I thought we had something.” He whispered hoarsely.
His large sorrowful eyes strike deep into my conscious, compelling to my guilt and empathy for him. But I wasn’t about to lead him on more than he already thought I had.
“We do hyung, we have friendship” I said softly hoping that he would just leave it at that so we could just forget this whole episode and go back to how we were. A naïve hope it seems. He’s a stubborn man I knew and I couldn’t help the distaste souring my mouth as I watched his eyes clouded with desperation as he shook his head vigorously.
“No! It’s more than that! You just -”
“There’s nothing more!” I shouted, cutting him short as I slapped his reaching hand away with more force than I intended, hardening my heart against his crumpled face and I lowered my voice down a few notches. “Just go hyung. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
A strange disquiet settled over me as I stood alone in my living room remembering those beseeching eyes dulling into emptiness as Heechul turned around and walked away from me.
* * *
I hesitated in front of the light green door of the hospital eying Heechul’s name on a white placard inserted in a clear plaque on the white wall. I hadn’t stopped wondering since I left the office if it was right for me to be here. I don’t even know if I want to be here or if he wanted to see me. What if I aggravate him more?
I entered the room as quietly as I could, not really sure what to do or say if he’s awake. The relief breath I expelled to find him asleep didn’t elevate the burden I felt however. It just became heavier as I sank down into the padded vinyl green chair by his bed and watched his sleeping face.
“Is this Mr Kim Jongwoon? We’re calling from Seoul National University Hospital. Are you a relative of Mr Kim Heechul?”
“No, I’m his friend. Did something happen to him?”
“We found your number in his speed dial. Is there any way we can contact his family?”
“They don’t live here. Look if you found my number in his speed dial then it probably means I’m the next best person other than his family to contact during emergencies.”
“Okay, could you come down to the hospital immediately?”
I was met with a grave looking doctor when I arrived, the look on his face made me think that Heechul might be in a bad way. I wasn’t far from my assumptions but I never thought the news the middle aged man brought me to be so staggering.
“We had his medical records checked and has confirmed that he’s under medication for manic depression. It’s lack of better judgment, it’s not unusual for patients with his condition to let their depression manifest and thus harming themselves. He’s lucky he got here in time.”
It was a drug overdose from an anti depressant he says. His house cleaner had found him foaming in the mouth in his bedroom when she had came in the morning and had brought his wallet and cellphone along since she doesn’t know anything about her employer.
“He might be out of danger now but it would still be better if there’s someone close to look out for him.”
It was a suicide attempt. The two words hung over my head like a shadow as I buried my face in my hands and once again I found my self asking why was everything so messed up? I didn’t ask for any of this to happen. I certainly never wished for Heechul to go through all this. I looked up, guilt racking through me as I took in those dark rings under his eyes and his pale chapped lips. So frail and wretched against the clean white sheets of the bed, he doesn’t even remotely look like Heechul. Heechul was supposed to be anything but vulnerable.
This was all my fault. I am to be blamed for this.
My manager called to ask how Heechul was. I didn’t divulge much since I don’t think I should, at least not yet. I will tell her as soon as I get in touch with his psychiatrist and understand what I’ll be dealing with. Already I was thinking of my obligations towards him. I bid my manager goodbye, pretty much aware that Heechul had woken up at the sound of my phone.
“You’re awake.” I gave a small smile and dragged the chair closer. There was no warmth in his eyes. They were glassy and dead as he stared at me and when I held his cold hand it just stayed limp in mine. I squeezed him gently. “I was so worried.”
He gazed at me, his eyes slowly showing signs of life as he searched my face and finally croaked “What are you doing here?”
“To see you of course, are you thirsty?” I jumped up to pour him a glass of water.
“Go home.” He whispered.
I put down the jug carefully trying not to panic when I heard the tremor in his voice. I had been warned that he might act up as soon as he wakes up and discreetly hit the nurse call button. I don’t want him to go berserk on me again but looking at the despair on his face.
“I can’t hyung, you know I can’t.” I said softly edging towards him cautiously to sit by him on the bed.
“Why?!” He sprang up and pushed at me violently enough to dislodge the IV needle from his arm “Just leave! Go home!” he choked out as I grabbed his hands and pulled him into my arms with a struggle “Go home” he whined repeatedly sobbing into my neck while he beats my back with his fists.
Sorry was what I repeated over and over again as I held him firmly against me till he stopped pounding on my back and just clings onto me to cry his eyes out. I brushed my lips against his forehead on impulse as I was pulled away. The nurse had finally came with that doctor I met awhile ago accompanied by a handsome woman dressed in the same garb as him.
I stood aside letting them handle Heechul with efficiency, the female doctor speaking in a gentle soothing murmur as she sedates him. When Heechul had finally drifted off to sleep, she introduced herself as his therapist and led me to her office where she asked me questions of how Heechul had been recently. I told her what happened in Ansan skipping out the part where he had kissed me and the fight we had the next day.
She explained that it was a typical symptom of a manic episode and concluded that Heechul must have stopped taking his medicines for quite sometime before he fell into a depressive mode which may or might not have been triggered by something. She lost me when she started talking about chemical imbalance in the brain but what I gathered from the more coherent part of her speech was, Heechul could revert back to his normal self.
“How long would it take?”
“It varies Jongwoon shii. Sometimes it would just take a day or it could last for months. Now we would have to keep him overnight for observations but he’s free to go tomorrow so make sure someone picks him up. I’ve already administered his medications to the staff and he’ll have to come back for blood tests. Is that clear?”
Her words finally sunk in and I realized that I will have to do this. It was only right.
* * *
He was quiet the first day he came back to his apartment. He doesn’t show much interest in what I did or say at first so it was uneventful and I was starting to feel frustrated. I wanted to shake him and tell him to get a grip on himself but all I could do was get a grip on myself first, knowing it wasn’t his fault being the way he is. He needed a bit of coaxing when it came time for his medications though. I was at loss of what to do when he started whining and looked like he was going to throw a hissy fit at me.
“Come now” I pulled him to me, gently cupping his face and kissed him lightly in hopes of calming him. “Be good okay?”
He relented thankfully and things went a lot smoother after that so I spent a relatively easy day doing nothing but watched TV and stuffing myself. I do however felt uneasy whenever I caught him staring. I had after all manipulated him by baiting on how he felt for me and the magnitude of my actions and what it will eventually result in didn’t sit well with me because he will get better at my expanse. I was playing with fire that will only flagrate and burn me with it.
I caught his eyes and forced a small smile. “What’s wrong?” he didn’t say anything but shook his head “Come here” I held out my hand for him to sit beside me on the couch. I kept on smiling as if to reassure him as he left his place from his arm chair. It didn’t matter to him that his favorite TV show was playing; he was content to play with my fingers. It unnerved me a bit that he was uninterested in everything else but me, but if by me being here could make him get over his depression quickly, than I’m banking on it.
I didn’t go back to my place that night. It hadn’t occurred to me until I tucked him in his queen sized bed and he clutched at my arm with rising panic behind his eyes. It also occurred to me as I settled in with him that I have to stay with him for the time being.
I looked at him lying on his side facing me “I still need to go back to work tomorrow. Are you going to be okay?”
“Are you coming back here?” His voice cracked when he asked. It was the first and only thing he had said to me throughout the day.
“Yeah, after I pick up some of my stuff first.” He didn’t answer me but just shut his eyes instead. I think that was him telling me he’s fine with it.
I woke up with his arm over me and spooned up snugly behind me.
I tried not to think too much about it as I left for my apartment to change out of yesterday’s clothes and went about my days as usual. I simply told my manager that Heechul had a minor meltdown and needed a break for awhile. She didn’t ask anything more and took Heechul’s workload and assistant herself. It made me wonder if she already knew of his condition when she assured me no one else will know and ordered me to be discreet as well.
I called Heechul up when it was due for his medication. He sounded better now that he was actually talking and I asked if he’s eaten yet. I had forgotten about the woman he hired to cook and clean on weekdays so it was one less thing to worry about but I still make it a point to call him.
That was how it was for me for those first few weeks. I go to work and check up on him regularly. My daily wind down was cut short or forgo so I could be back to have dinner with him. I accompanied him for his blood tests at the hospital and on weekends I would drop my freshly laundered clothes at my apartment and pick up new sets before driving him around. I was getting better at handling his mood swings too. Or so I thought.
He had been moody and irritable the whole day and nothing I did would sway him so in the end I just gave up and watched TV while he glared at me and stalked away to his room. He didn’t stay too long in there. He came back out again and started pacing all over the place.
“Hyung stop that.” I chided and pulled him onto the couch.
It was like that night in his car all over again except this time I just froze as he kissed me. I was hoping it would never come to this even though I had an inkling right after I kissed him that time. I never did it again.
He pulled away his eyes piercing mine for a moment before crashing his lips back on mine. Heechul having another breakdown was all I could think about as I wound my arms around his neck and kissed him back tentatively, reminding myself he was a sick person and I gave in, letting him do whatever he wanted to me. I let him leave his prints all over me and succumbed to the lust he coaxed out of me with his rough hands and hot mouth. I let myself be swept away by his desperation to rule me as I rocked beneath him and screamed his name.
Pain and gratification was a small price to pay for what I’ve led myself into. The real deal here is guilt. I was steeped in it as he kissed me lovingly.
* * *
He came back to work the following month and I went back to living in my apartment. Everything more or less went back to normal only that I was still with him, we were still together. He had made it clear to everyone that I am his and I couldn’t deny it anymore than I wanted to. He would pick me up for work, call me when we couldn’t lunch together, stay at the bar with me and sent me home. We still hang out on weekends. We still have sex in his apartment. We have this regular couple routine.
Am I in love then? The answer to that is no.
Sex is just sex to me and it doesn’t hurt that he’s attractive and can turn me on whenever he wants me but I never stayed, no matter how late it was I will always leave.
Sometimes I think of a way to break it to him that all this is just a farce, a sham to keep him sane at the risk of my sanity. But whenever I see him pop his pills, I was reminded of how sick in the brain he is and I balked.
“Why don’t you move in with me?”
“Why?”
“Makes better sense than you going back and forth like this and I don’t have to pick you up every morning.”
“I never told you to do that, besides I bought that apartment with my hard earned money.”
“I’m not telling you to sell it. You could rent it out and live here with me.”
I disentangled myself from him and propped on my elbows “It’s too soon for that.”
He shifted closer to me and trailed the length of my back with his palm “No it’s not” He rubbed my back in soothing fashion as I gazed at him, unable to come up with anything when all I think of was running out on him and never coming back. He let out a sigh and kissed me slowly “Just think about it okay?”
“Okay” I murmured against his lips and got up to shower.
He didn’t try to talk me out of it like always.
In the bathroom I stared at my reflection, looking at all the crimson marks he left stark on my pale skin and I suddenly feel exhausted and overwhelmed by my constant internal war of guilt and lies and what he had given me. It’s eating a hole in my gut and I just want to fall into oblivion.
He was flipping through a magazine when I came out from the bathroom. I think I stood there for quite a long while just studying him. He must have sensed me watching and lifted his eyes from the page.
“You’re going to catch a cold like that”
I probably will but right then, I don’t really care as I padded to him. I see his eyes taking in my wet hair and the towel riding low over my hips. His magazine lay forgotten on his lap as he eyed me appreciatively climbing onto the bed and tossed the reading material out of the way to straddle him. He peered up at me, didn’t seem to mind that my hair was dripping on him and he curled his fingers on my hip. He was waiting. I think he had waited a long time for my initiative.
“Can I stay tonight?” I didn’t wait for him to answer.
Like I say, I wanted to fall into oblivion, just to feel him worship every sliver of my skin without my conscious stabbing me every time he says he loves me because right now, I’m thinking it wasn’t such a bad lie to live on so who knows, maybe someday I’ll learn to love him back.
End.
So what do you think? Love it? Hate it? Give me some love even if it’s tough love ^ ^
Author: yesunglover
Length: Oneshot
Rating: R
Pairing: Heechul x Yesung
Summary: He had been a bit off that day, a little too loud and a little too high. I thought he was a bit mad smiling the way he did. I noticed how fast he was going but the wind whipping through my hair was all too refreshing and there wasn’t any traffic going up Ansan anyway.
A/N: Yeah, I don’t know where this came from even if it took me ages to write it. It’s just messed up in my opinion. It’s unbeta’ed so bear with me ♥
100 Fics Challenge Prompt # 6 - Burn
100 Fics Archive
There was never an indication that he even saw me as someone he would associate himself with because he never really had that much patience for me or anyone else for that matter, being the most sought out image consultant in a small but exclusive company, his bluntness was known to aid his efficiency and scar the underlings which had led me to think that the rest of us mere mortals are somewhat beneath him but he was decent to me that one time he decided to take up on our offhanded offer and joined us at the bar near our office for our daily wind down.
He had chosen to stick close to me and confessed that he never really liked crowded places and prefers to drink alone. He wasn’t as loud and obnoxious as he was at work and he wasn’t that much of a talker surprisingly. I on the other hand was rambling about nothing and everything just because I felt responsible not to neglect him while the others chattered away among themselves. That was until he told me to shut up and let him enjoy his beer.
It wasn’t so bad really sitting at the bar with him. He seems almost nice with his mouth shut and I figured he couldn’t be an insufferable bastard all the time right? He insisted on driving me home that evening while leaving those without a ride to fend for themselves, I guess that’s what I get for actually accompanying him, normally I would just take the bus home. Of course I accepted the offer graciously. I did after all deserve that passenger seat in that silver Jaguar convertible of his.
He didn’t join us again after that but we would see him at the bar alone every Friday. I found myself drifting to him on those nights even though talking to him hasn’t gotten any easier but sometimes at a miraculous stroke of brilliance or just plain stupidity, I could weasel a smile out of him. Not the rotten ones he was famous for or the ones he pasted for clients but a proper smile. On a good day I can even hear him chuckle.
He would often offer me a ride but more often than not I would decline him. I wouldn’t want him to think that I’m licking his boots just so I could have a free mode of luxurious transportation every Friday.
It was during a weekend when he first called me. My brain groggy from my afternoon nap was rather slow on the uptake and it didn’t hit me until we ended the call that I had never given him my number. The source of the phone call was a perplexing thought as I set about the motions of dressing up. I couldn’t imagine what he wanted from me even though he said we’re just going to check out some apparel for his new clients and would like me to come along. But isn’t that his assistant’s job?
I didn’t dwell too much upon it though and slid on a beanie since I didn’t have time to iron my hair.
Turned out we did check out a few boutiques and he did pick up some stuff.
He was a demanding shopper, very specific on what he wants and has an impeccable taste. In that space of few hours I spent observing and listening bits of info he shared, I think I learned more from him than I ever did from my mentor back when I was an assistant in another company.
He casually suggested having dinner together and we ended up eating in a tent rather than in some posh or comfortable ambience restaurant I expected him to dine in. He just smirked when I told him what I initially thought of him and replied with a snooty It’s not everyday I lower my standards for someone. Which makes him alright to me although it sounded like he’s making a dig at me, I knew he wasn’t so maybe I’m alright to him too.
Then it became a sort of a regular thing for us. He for the most of the time would call me up and we’ll go out to have dinner or hang out at a LAN gaming busting some ass or get our ass busted or scream our lungs out at a karaoke club…doing normal stuffs that I couldn’t imagine him doing.
He’s a bit of a cam whore himself from what I’ve seen in his phone. That was some of the things we had in common with the only difference of me being better at it. He had called me a narcissist then and we took a selca together after just so to prove I’m right.
But of all the things that he likes, he loves driving the best. We would just cruise along the highways from one end to the other end of Seoul and always, always the river bank under Banghwa Bridge would be our last stop.
Except for that one night.
* * *
He had been a bit off that day, a little too loud and a little too high. I thought he was a bit mad smiling the way he did. I noticed how fast he was going but the wind whipping through my hair was all too refreshing and there wasn’t any traffic going up Ansan anyway.
“Nice hair.” He commented when we finally pulled up somewhere near the top.
I shoved him away playfully and fussed with my hair. He grinned and watched me for a bit before jumping off the car and did a ridiculous jiggle to a girly pop song blaring from the radio. I laughed at his antics and got out too only to have him drag me away.
“Wait hyung, what are you doing?!” I asked alarmed that he already had a leg over the road’s railing.
He cackled “Come on, it’s not like the ground dropped right off, there’s a few good meters ahead.”
“Okay, stop pulling.” I shrugged him off gingerly climbing over and sat down on the rail quickly. He smirked and turned away taking a few steps closer to the edge of the cliff. “Hyung stop that what are you doing?”
It creep me out watching him standing silently with his arms spread wide in the ghostly moonlight. The wind was picking up and I wanted to just pull him away before he loses his balance or something.
“Hyung come on it’s not funny.” I was positively whining. I don’t know what has gotten into him.
“No, you come here and try it. It feels awesome Jongwoon.”
“No thanks.” He spun around and eyed me. I swear he’s determined to give me a heart seizure rocking back and forth on his heels like that.
“Come on, I won’t let you fall.” He stretched out his arm with an eager grin.
I had half a mind to just run back to his car but was afraid he would stay there longer just to spite me.
“Just look ahead.” He whispered.
My pulse quickened as he guided me forward with both of his palms on my hips, smelling traces of his cologne in the wind and I could almost feel his warmth on my back. “Don’t look down. Now stop.”
I wanted to laugh when he ordered me to spread my arms and close my eyes. I was reminded of Rose in Titanic and was about to quote her when his arm slid around my middle and my back came in contact with his chest.
“Step back a little, you’re too far out.”
I’m not sure why I was shivering. Maybe it’s the wind or the trepidation we’re going to get ourselves killed or maybe the fact he was holding me like that. He chuckled.
“Why are you shaking? Relax.”
“Shut up! I’m cold and freaked out right now!” I snapped irritated that I should feel embarrassed. He chuckled again.
“Okay, chill” he said to soothe my ruffled feathers and shifted on his feet behind me. “Now relax, don’t think, just feel the wind, smell it.” My skin tingles right down to my toes at the barest brush of his lips as he whispered in my ear. I drew in a breath, concentrating on his voice rather than the pleasant buzz coursing through me. “That’s right, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out…”
His words trailed off, his own breath in sync with mine like we were one instead of two separate beings. The rhythm lulling my conscious to sleep and yet I’m awake, half bound by the earth beneath me and soaring in the wind. It was a strange feeling… If I were to step off the cliff, would I be able to fly?
My eyes snapped wide open as gravity jerked my guts downwards and my mouth threaten to vomit my heart out along with my scream. And I screamed and screamed, in horror first then in shock disbelieve. My palms scraped against the ground and tiny pebbles digging into my knees. I’m still alive.
Over the deafening thundering of my heartbeat I heard him cackle. It dispelled me off my immobility as anger swept through me. I was furious at his idea of a joke. It was sick and I lunged at him “What the hell is the matter with you?! You could have killed me?!”
“Please, you weren’t even anywhere near the edge.” He sneered gripping onto my wrist tightly. “Careful” he says when I tried to wrench my hand away “you don’t want o fall over.”
He lets go of my hand and I pushed past him, crossing the low barricade to safety of the deserted road before I could do anything drastic that will actually kill us both.
“Hey come on, you gotta admit it was funny.”
“No it’s not!” I swerved around to face him “There’s nothing funny about that hyung! How could you do that?! Something could have seriously gone wrong!”
“But nothing went wrong, you’re still alive and you’re over reacting.”
I never knew how much it hurts to hit someone. I have never thrown a punch before because I never had a reason to and now I’ve found one.
“How’s that for over reacting?” I spat and stalked away with my hand throbbing.
I didn’t turn back to look at him, I just kept on walking and walking, making my way down the winding road and fuming to myself. Soon enough I heard his car and he zoomed past me. That bastard, he toyed with my life for the sake of entertainment and now he’s left me to eat his dust. It pissed me off more than I already was.
But my anger didn’t last long as logic started to kick in. Here I was a long way from home after midnight and cabs are surely hard to come by at this hour and I still need to get down from the mountain even though I’ve been walking like forever. Stupid Heechul, the least he could do is sent me home. I let out a long suffering sigh. The stupid one here is me isn’t it? I really regretted hitting him.
That was when I spotted headlights rushing towards me.
“Get in.” I stared at him stupidly. I didn’t know if I should be happy he came back for me and possibly saving me from buying a new pair of shoes or I should stick to my pride which was thinning from weariness. “Get in Jongwoon, I don’t want to be stuck out here the whole night.”
Screw pride, who needs them. I hopped in with a grand show of reluctance and almost sigh in bliss as I rested my feet.
I woke up to the sound of my name and a hand shaking my shoulder. The silent ride must have dozed me off and I looked around, stretching myself and noticed the top’s up. Then I remembered the fight we had earlier. I wasn’t mad anymore, I had cancelled out what he did to me the moment he came to pick me up and I felt really sorry for punching him. I unbuckled my seatbelt slowly and fussed with my clothes. I knew I was dallying but I just wanted to know if he’s alright.
“Are you getting off or not?”
I quailed at the tone of his voice. It was cold and impersonal and I found myself reaching out for him to take a good look at his face. He winced but didn’t slap my hands away like I expected him to. In the dim light from the overhead lights of the parking lot, I could make out a bruise on the left corner of his mouth. “I’m sorry hyung.”
The next second I was struggling against him with his tongue in my mouth, fighting away from the harsh pressure of his lips and his nails digging into my scalp. His strength belied his appearance. He was strong and he was crushing me but I somehow manage to slip from his grasp, shoving him with all my might and backed away against the door with the back of my hand wiping away at my swollen lips. And I stared at him, stared at his features dazed with confusion as if he didn’t understand why he was pushed away.
I bolted away before he could reach for me and ran towards my building. Hidden away, I traced my lips and my other hand reached for my chest as if to hold my heart in. I didn’t know how long I stood slumped against the wall but it was long enough to hear his car squealed out of the parking lot.
* * *
I laid on my front staring blearily at my phone on the bed stand. It has stopped ringing for awhile now but I was afraid to move. I feared that if I move a single inch it will start wailing again like it did seven hours ago. It was already one now. That was how long I’ve been awake and I never wake up before eleven on week ends.
I didn’t need to see who it was that had called me. I knew it was Heechul. I heaved out a sigh as last night played over and over in my head. I am confused as to why I should feel guilty when I hadn’t warranted it at all. Okay, so maybe it’s a bad thing that I’m not answering his calls, maybe I ought to be guilty about that but I don’t know how I should handle this. I couldn’t just act normal after last night. I had never been kissed by a guy before and he practically forced it on me. Although I didn’t find it repulsive, it did freaked me out. After all, we are friends and if he had regarded me as one, he knows he could talk to me instead of jumping me like that. I propped myself up with a sigh, might as well get up and feed myself.
After my shower, I felt a lot more lively than when I first woke up, moving about purposefully in my apartment with a general idea of how I would spend my Sunday. I pocketed my wallet and keys as I slipped on a pair of old sneakers, studiously ignoring the jingle of my phone I left in my room and open the door.
“Not answering your phone?” Heechul asked stonily as I stood frozen in the doorway and stared at his pale face almost hidden by the black hoodie he has over his head. He looked like crap, the shadows under his eyes were hideously conspicuous as they studied me from head to toe. In the background I could still hear 2NE1 Pretty Boy emitting shrilly from my phone and the silence rang through me as he clicked his phone shut and pushed himself off the wall. “Going somewhere?”
“Um… I was just going to…” The sentence just trailed of as I opted to cease with the pleasantries and stepped back into my apartment with my shoes off and strode towards the living room. The door slammed shut behind me. “What are you doing here hyung?”
He didn’t answer me immediately but paced back and forth in front of the TV, muttering under his breath as I watched him from the couch. Dark mutterings which became louder and louder that I was able to comprehend a single sentence he was repeating over and over again with increasing agitation. It was a mistake letting him in.
“Why didn’t you answer my calls?!” He screamed furiously and grabbed something from the TV cabinet
I cringed screwing my eyes shut as pieces of clay and glass rained on me from where they were smashed on the wall near my head. He was hurling my ornaments at me, screaming away like he’s gone mad. What else would he do next once he’s found he had run out of things to throw at me? Go for the kitchen knives? For once I feared for my life and it snapped me into moving, jumping out of the way just in time as my glass apple sailed through the air and busted on the wall.
“I didn’t want to deal with you okay!” I screamed back at him, frustrated that I’ve distanced myself in affectively as I would have if I had jumped off my second floor balcony. His long fingers wrapped tightly around my elbows within two long strides.
“Why?!”
“Let me go hyung! You’re being weird!” His grip slackened, arms falling away limply by his side and he stumbles backward. The livid glare he was piercing me with moments ago vanished into anguish.
“I thought we had something.” He whispered hoarsely.
His large sorrowful eyes strike deep into my conscious, compelling to my guilt and empathy for him. But I wasn’t about to lead him on more than he already thought I had.
“We do hyung, we have friendship” I said softly hoping that he would just leave it at that so we could just forget this whole episode and go back to how we were. A naïve hope it seems. He’s a stubborn man I knew and I couldn’t help the distaste souring my mouth as I watched his eyes clouded with desperation as he shook his head vigorously.
“No! It’s more than that! You just -”
“There’s nothing more!” I shouted, cutting him short as I slapped his reaching hand away with more force than I intended, hardening my heart against his crumpled face and I lowered my voice down a few notches. “Just go hyung. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
A strange disquiet settled over me as I stood alone in my living room remembering those beseeching eyes dulling into emptiness as Heechul turned around and walked away from me.
* * *
I hesitated in front of the light green door of the hospital eying Heechul’s name on a white placard inserted in a clear plaque on the white wall. I hadn’t stopped wondering since I left the office if it was right for me to be here. I don’t even know if I want to be here or if he wanted to see me. What if I aggravate him more?
I entered the room as quietly as I could, not really sure what to do or say if he’s awake. The relief breath I expelled to find him asleep didn’t elevate the burden I felt however. It just became heavier as I sank down into the padded vinyl green chair by his bed and watched his sleeping face.
“Is this Mr Kim Jongwoon? We’re calling from Seoul National University Hospital. Are you a relative of Mr Kim Heechul?”
“No, I’m his friend. Did something happen to him?”
“We found your number in his speed dial. Is there any way we can contact his family?”
“They don’t live here. Look if you found my number in his speed dial then it probably means I’m the next best person other than his family to contact during emergencies.”
“Okay, could you come down to the hospital immediately?”
I was met with a grave looking doctor when I arrived, the look on his face made me think that Heechul might be in a bad way. I wasn’t far from my assumptions but I never thought the news the middle aged man brought me to be so staggering.
“We had his medical records checked and has confirmed that he’s under medication for manic depression. It’s lack of better judgment, it’s not unusual for patients with his condition to let their depression manifest and thus harming themselves. He’s lucky he got here in time.”
It was a drug overdose from an anti depressant he says. His house cleaner had found him foaming in the mouth in his bedroom when she had came in the morning and had brought his wallet and cellphone along since she doesn’t know anything about her employer.
“He might be out of danger now but it would still be better if there’s someone close to look out for him.”
It was a suicide attempt. The two words hung over my head like a shadow as I buried my face in my hands and once again I found my self asking why was everything so messed up? I didn’t ask for any of this to happen. I certainly never wished for Heechul to go through all this. I looked up, guilt racking through me as I took in those dark rings under his eyes and his pale chapped lips. So frail and wretched against the clean white sheets of the bed, he doesn’t even remotely look like Heechul. Heechul was supposed to be anything but vulnerable.
This was all my fault. I am to be blamed for this.
My manager called to ask how Heechul was. I didn’t divulge much since I don’t think I should, at least not yet. I will tell her as soon as I get in touch with his psychiatrist and understand what I’ll be dealing with. Already I was thinking of my obligations towards him. I bid my manager goodbye, pretty much aware that Heechul had woken up at the sound of my phone.
“You’re awake.” I gave a small smile and dragged the chair closer. There was no warmth in his eyes. They were glassy and dead as he stared at me and when I held his cold hand it just stayed limp in mine. I squeezed him gently. “I was so worried.”
He gazed at me, his eyes slowly showing signs of life as he searched my face and finally croaked “What are you doing here?”
“To see you of course, are you thirsty?” I jumped up to pour him a glass of water.
“Go home.” He whispered.
I put down the jug carefully trying not to panic when I heard the tremor in his voice. I had been warned that he might act up as soon as he wakes up and discreetly hit the nurse call button. I don’t want him to go berserk on me again but looking at the despair on his face.
“I can’t hyung, you know I can’t.” I said softly edging towards him cautiously to sit by him on the bed.
“Why?!” He sprang up and pushed at me violently enough to dislodge the IV needle from his arm “Just leave! Go home!” he choked out as I grabbed his hands and pulled him into my arms with a struggle “Go home” he whined repeatedly sobbing into my neck while he beats my back with his fists.
Sorry was what I repeated over and over again as I held him firmly against me till he stopped pounding on my back and just clings onto me to cry his eyes out. I brushed my lips against his forehead on impulse as I was pulled away. The nurse had finally came with that doctor I met awhile ago accompanied by a handsome woman dressed in the same garb as him.
I stood aside letting them handle Heechul with efficiency, the female doctor speaking in a gentle soothing murmur as she sedates him. When Heechul had finally drifted off to sleep, she introduced herself as his therapist and led me to her office where she asked me questions of how Heechul had been recently. I told her what happened in Ansan skipping out the part where he had kissed me and the fight we had the next day.
She explained that it was a typical symptom of a manic episode and concluded that Heechul must have stopped taking his medicines for quite sometime before he fell into a depressive mode which may or might not have been triggered by something. She lost me when she started talking about chemical imbalance in the brain but what I gathered from the more coherent part of her speech was, Heechul could revert back to his normal self.
“How long would it take?”
“It varies Jongwoon shii. Sometimes it would just take a day or it could last for months. Now we would have to keep him overnight for observations but he’s free to go tomorrow so make sure someone picks him up. I’ve already administered his medications to the staff and he’ll have to come back for blood tests. Is that clear?”
Her words finally sunk in and I realized that I will have to do this. It was only right.
* * *
He was quiet the first day he came back to his apartment. He doesn’t show much interest in what I did or say at first so it was uneventful and I was starting to feel frustrated. I wanted to shake him and tell him to get a grip on himself but all I could do was get a grip on myself first, knowing it wasn’t his fault being the way he is. He needed a bit of coaxing when it came time for his medications though. I was at loss of what to do when he started whining and looked like he was going to throw a hissy fit at me.
“Come now” I pulled him to me, gently cupping his face and kissed him lightly in hopes of calming him. “Be good okay?”
He relented thankfully and things went a lot smoother after that so I spent a relatively easy day doing nothing but watched TV and stuffing myself. I do however felt uneasy whenever I caught him staring. I had after all manipulated him by baiting on how he felt for me and the magnitude of my actions and what it will eventually result in didn’t sit well with me because he will get better at my expanse. I was playing with fire that will only flagrate and burn me with it.
I caught his eyes and forced a small smile. “What’s wrong?” he didn’t say anything but shook his head “Come here” I held out my hand for him to sit beside me on the couch. I kept on smiling as if to reassure him as he left his place from his arm chair. It didn’t matter to him that his favorite TV show was playing; he was content to play with my fingers. It unnerved me a bit that he was uninterested in everything else but me, but if by me being here could make him get over his depression quickly, than I’m banking on it.
I didn’t go back to my place that night. It hadn’t occurred to me until I tucked him in his queen sized bed and he clutched at my arm with rising panic behind his eyes. It also occurred to me as I settled in with him that I have to stay with him for the time being.
I looked at him lying on his side facing me “I still need to go back to work tomorrow. Are you going to be okay?”
“Are you coming back here?” His voice cracked when he asked. It was the first and only thing he had said to me throughout the day.
“Yeah, after I pick up some of my stuff first.” He didn’t answer me but just shut his eyes instead. I think that was him telling me he’s fine with it.
I woke up with his arm over me and spooned up snugly behind me.
I tried not to think too much about it as I left for my apartment to change out of yesterday’s clothes and went about my days as usual. I simply told my manager that Heechul had a minor meltdown and needed a break for awhile. She didn’t ask anything more and took Heechul’s workload and assistant herself. It made me wonder if she already knew of his condition when she assured me no one else will know and ordered me to be discreet as well.
I called Heechul up when it was due for his medication. He sounded better now that he was actually talking and I asked if he’s eaten yet. I had forgotten about the woman he hired to cook and clean on weekdays so it was one less thing to worry about but I still make it a point to call him.
That was how it was for me for those first few weeks. I go to work and check up on him regularly. My daily wind down was cut short or forgo so I could be back to have dinner with him. I accompanied him for his blood tests at the hospital and on weekends I would drop my freshly laundered clothes at my apartment and pick up new sets before driving him around. I was getting better at handling his mood swings too. Or so I thought.
He had been moody and irritable the whole day and nothing I did would sway him so in the end I just gave up and watched TV while he glared at me and stalked away to his room. He didn’t stay too long in there. He came back out again and started pacing all over the place.
“Hyung stop that.” I chided and pulled him onto the couch.
It was like that night in his car all over again except this time I just froze as he kissed me. I was hoping it would never come to this even though I had an inkling right after I kissed him that time. I never did it again.
He pulled away his eyes piercing mine for a moment before crashing his lips back on mine. Heechul having another breakdown was all I could think about as I wound my arms around his neck and kissed him back tentatively, reminding myself he was a sick person and I gave in, letting him do whatever he wanted to me. I let him leave his prints all over me and succumbed to the lust he coaxed out of me with his rough hands and hot mouth. I let myself be swept away by his desperation to rule me as I rocked beneath him and screamed his name.
Pain and gratification was a small price to pay for what I’ve led myself into. The real deal here is guilt. I was steeped in it as he kissed me lovingly.
* * *
He came back to work the following month and I went back to living in my apartment. Everything more or less went back to normal only that I was still with him, we were still together. He had made it clear to everyone that I am his and I couldn’t deny it anymore than I wanted to. He would pick me up for work, call me when we couldn’t lunch together, stay at the bar with me and sent me home. We still hang out on weekends. We still have sex in his apartment. We have this regular couple routine.
Am I in love then? The answer to that is no.
Sex is just sex to me and it doesn’t hurt that he’s attractive and can turn me on whenever he wants me but I never stayed, no matter how late it was I will always leave.
Sometimes I think of a way to break it to him that all this is just a farce, a sham to keep him sane at the risk of my sanity. But whenever I see him pop his pills, I was reminded of how sick in the brain he is and I balked.
“Why don’t you move in with me?”
“Why?”
“Makes better sense than you going back and forth like this and I don’t have to pick you up every morning.”
“I never told you to do that, besides I bought that apartment with my hard earned money.”
“I’m not telling you to sell it. You could rent it out and live here with me.”
I disentangled myself from him and propped on my elbows “It’s too soon for that.”
He shifted closer to me and trailed the length of my back with his palm “No it’s not” He rubbed my back in soothing fashion as I gazed at him, unable to come up with anything when all I think of was running out on him and never coming back. He let out a sigh and kissed me slowly “Just think about it okay?”
“Okay” I murmured against his lips and got up to shower.
He didn’t try to talk me out of it like always.
In the bathroom I stared at my reflection, looking at all the crimson marks he left stark on my pale skin and I suddenly feel exhausted and overwhelmed by my constant internal war of guilt and lies and what he had given me. It’s eating a hole in my gut and I just want to fall into oblivion.
He was flipping through a magazine when I came out from the bathroom. I think I stood there for quite a long while just studying him. He must have sensed me watching and lifted his eyes from the page.
“You’re going to catch a cold like that”
I probably will but right then, I don’t really care as I padded to him. I see his eyes taking in my wet hair and the towel riding low over my hips. His magazine lay forgotten on his lap as he eyed me appreciatively climbing onto the bed and tossed the reading material out of the way to straddle him. He peered up at me, didn’t seem to mind that my hair was dripping on him and he curled his fingers on my hip. He was waiting. I think he had waited a long time for my initiative.
“Can I stay tonight?” I didn’t wait for him to answer.
Like I say, I wanted to fall into oblivion, just to feel him worship every sliver of my skin without my conscious stabbing me every time he says he loves me because right now, I’m thinking it wasn’t such a bad lie to live on so who knows, maybe someday I’ll learn to love him back.
End.
So what do you think? Love it? Hate it? Give me some love even if it’s tough love ^ ^