(no subject)
I miss my husband, and I'm still pissed and hurt that I was left behind. And I hope they're having a good time. So conflicted, I am.
Kim's last drama performance tonight, and last one ever with all of the current grade 12 drama kids. Food and festivities after the performance tonight but she'd better get her butt home soon, she has to work at 5:30 a.m. tomorrow.
I drove out of town for a midwifery meeting tonight, took both little girls with me. Four moms and 8 kids under 8 in a restaurant before the meeting and it was actually really nice. I thanked Julia and Charlotte for behaving so well and for eating their food.
Charlotte chattered and whined for the whole one hour drive home despite the late hour, and by the time she started scrapping with me about being carried in from the van, which pj's to put on, and which blanket she wanted I *snapped*. Mommy Dearest, right here. Moving on....
I can sleep in tomorrow - no work, no school. If anyone wakes me before 8 a.m., there will be blood shed.
I'm going to buy bedding plants tomorrow. Pink and white petunias for Abby's flower bed this year.
I've been resisting the thoughts and emotions that are coming up as the end of May approaches. Even *I* didn't expect to feel this way, four years later. FOUR.YEARS. How can that be?
I feel myself moving into an altered state, where Abby moves to the front of my thoughts and I resent any distraction from my grief. I find myself talking about her more, thinking about her more, and deliberately revisiting the days of my pregnancy with Abby, her birth and death, her funeral - all of it. These past four years have raced by and I CAN.NOT.BELIEVE that Abby has been gone nearly four years, or that Charlotte will soon be THREE!?
Nope, nope, nope.
I can still feel my body stretch as her head was born. I can still feel the weight of her dead body in my arms. I want her back.
And I still want to dig.
Kim's last drama performance tonight, and last one ever with all of the current grade 12 drama kids. Food and festivities after the performance tonight but she'd better get her butt home soon, she has to work at 5:30 a.m. tomorrow.
I drove out of town for a midwifery meeting tonight, took both little girls with me. Four moms and 8 kids under 8 in a restaurant before the meeting and it was actually really nice. I thanked Julia and Charlotte for behaving so well and for eating their food.
Charlotte chattered and whined for the whole one hour drive home despite the late hour, and by the time she started scrapping with me about being carried in from the van, which pj's to put on, and which blanket she wanted I *snapped*. Mommy Dearest, right here. Moving on....
I can sleep in tomorrow - no work, no school. If anyone wakes me before 8 a.m., there will be blood shed.
I'm going to buy bedding plants tomorrow. Pink and white petunias for Abby's flower bed this year.
I've been resisting the thoughts and emotions that are coming up as the end of May approaches. Even *I* didn't expect to feel this way, four years later. FOUR.YEARS. How can that be?
I feel myself moving into an altered state, where Abby moves to the front of my thoughts and I resent any distraction from my grief. I find myself talking about her more, thinking about her more, and deliberately revisiting the days of my pregnancy with Abby, her birth and death, her funeral - all of it. These past four years have raced by and I CAN.NOT.BELIEVE that Abby has been gone nearly four years, or that Charlotte will soon be THREE!?
Nope, nope, nope.
I can still feel my body stretch as her head was born. I can still feel the weight of her dead body in my arms. I want her back.
And I still want to dig.