grief processing - will it ever end?
I found out this morning that two of my friends are pregnant, and a third friend is more than halfway through her first pregnancy. When the two women told me they were pregnant, I suddenly felt very left out, and very sad. As they talked excitedly about positive pregnancy tests, breastfeeding, and surviving postpartum I felt like the matronly menopausal Aunt. More often than not I thank my blessed eggs that I'm done having babies, but every once in a while the grief and sadness at that part of my life being over...it just hits me hard.
I have toys scattered across my living room, dirty sippy cups beside the sink, a potty in the bathroom, and diapers in the dryer - I'm far from being the menopausal old lady but for some reason I'm having a hard time watching my friends go on and have babies without me. This morning, once the pregnancy talk moved on to mothering talk I held my anti-social toddler on my lap, smoothing her soft blond hair with my hand, feeling so thankful to have her. A few minutes later I was pushing my little cling-on off my lap, shouting at her to goplayandgivemommysomespace!!
After I left there this morning, I drove to the cemetery, parked the van near Abby's grave and sat with her. I wiped the dust off her picture and footprints, I traced her name with my finger, then I sat on her grave and pushed my hands into the grass. As I sat there, I realized why I felt so sad about my friend's pregnancy news. I had another baby after Abby died and I got to experience the joy of holding a healthy baby, I was able to give birth, breastfeed her, rock her to sleep, and kiss her sweaty head.
But.
I know that I could go on to have a dozen more babies and I will always grieve for the experiences I didn't get to have with Abby. Even if I had more children, I would never be able to hold Abby, nurse her, rock her to sleep, trim her nails, wash her toes, or kiss her. She's gone, forever. No amount of subsequent children will ever give that back to me. When I start brooding for another baby, this is why. It's not because I want another baby, not really. It's because I'm trying to get Abby back, trying to get back all that I lost when she died.
And I know that I'm not usually this emo about other women's pregnancy; this luteal phase is kicking my ass! Day 31 here, last month it was day 40. I don't think I can handle another week or more of this insanity. Bring on the herbs and supplements....