morning already?
Another migraine last night. Yippee. It started after supper and by 10 o'clock I was ready to throw up, so I took some tylenol, swaddled Charlotte tight and took her to bed with me. She nursed to sleep but my head was still pounding, so much that it hurt to lay down and it took me another 45 minutes to convince myself to get up and take some advil. Charlotte wouldn't settle back down after I got up so I put her in the swing, and I tucked myself into the recliner to sleep semi-sitting. Jack was sweet, very concerned about me, and offered to sleep on the couch in case I needed him but I sent him to bed. When Charlotte woke up at 2:30 I took her to bed and opened the all-night buffet.
I know that Charlotte doesn't *need* to nurse that often at night and that she does it because I'm right there beside her, too easily accessible, but I really don't have the energy to get up in the night and spend a half hour or an hour to nurse her and get her back to sleep so that I can go back to sleep myself. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.
I'm tired of being tired. Tired of having my sleep disturbed so often. Maybe it's time to get Jack involved in nighttime parenting, and hand her off after I've nursed her. That would be the fair, logical thing to do but it's been many months since Jack had to get up at night and I don't know if either of them would go for that idea :-/ How much sleep would I get if I had to lay there and listen to her cry and him swear?
And...I realized this morning how shapeless my days are. I am tossed around like a ball in the waves my children make as they go about their days. I drive them to school, change diapers, buy groceries when I need to, make supper early if one of them has an early evening activity, stop everything to breastfeed, etc. I make no waves of my own. No wonder they don't respect my time to do school work or exercise; I don't respect it myself. I try to schedule those times but I am too flexible, too weak, and when their needs arise I put everything aside to go with the flow. It takes a lot of energy to be a rock that the waves crash up against; it takes a lot less energy to be the ball.
I know that Charlotte doesn't *need* to nurse that often at night and that she does it because I'm right there beside her, too easily accessible, but I really don't have the energy to get up in the night and spend a half hour or an hour to nurse her and get her back to sleep so that I can go back to sleep myself. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.
I'm tired of being tired. Tired of having my sleep disturbed so often. Maybe it's time to get Jack involved in nighttime parenting, and hand her off after I've nursed her. That would be the fair, logical thing to do but it's been many months since Jack had to get up at night and I don't know if either of them would go for that idea :-/ How much sleep would I get if I had to lay there and listen to her cry and him swear?
And...I realized this morning how shapeless my days are. I am tossed around like a ball in the waves my children make as they go about their days. I drive them to school, change diapers, buy groceries when I need to, make supper early if one of them has an early evening activity, stop everything to breastfeed, etc. I make no waves of my own. No wonder they don't respect my time to do school work or exercise; I don't respect it myself. I try to schedule those times but I am too flexible, too weak, and when their needs arise I put everything aside to go with the flow. It takes a lot of energy to be a rock that the waves crash up against; it takes a lot less energy to be the ball.