moving forward
Abby's ticker says now says "1 year" since she went to heaven. One year. I still don't know how it could possibly be a whole year.
And my Baby C ticker says I have only 16 days until my due date.
Sixteen days!?
I feel like both dates have crept up on me.
Very soon my life will change dramatically. The first year after Abby's death is over and a new year begins tomorrow. Any day now Baby C will be born and our family will be blessedly and forever changed. I can't picture what my life will be like when I am the mother of four daughters. I know from experience that my heart will have more than enough room to love them all equally, but I worry that Abby will be pushed too far to the back of the line. She isn't here physically to demand my attention and there are no physical ways for me to parent her. "Out of sight, out of mind" ?? I know that I won't ever forget Abby but I resist even the slightest fading of her memory. I don't want a single day to go by without me thinking of her. It's easy to believe that as time goes by, the pain and grief and memories will naturally fade but I don't want that. Not that I want to grieve and hurt forever, but I want the memories to be present and fresh forever, as real as the children that remain with me on earth.
I'm afraid of the day that I take down some of her pictures or put away her keepsakes permanently. Will I eventually decide to not make her a birthday cake or hang her tiny Christmas stocking? I want her to be a member of our family in every way, even though she isn't here physically. Although I know that Baby C won't replace Abby, she will be the baby in the house, the baby that Abby was supposed to be. I don't resent that, and I *do* desperately love and want this baby, but it feels a bit like a betrayal to Abby to 'fill her shoes' so soon. I hope she knows that Baby C is an addition to our family, and not a substitution.
This isn't making sense. I just can't put my thoughts into words.
And my Baby C ticker says I have only 16 days until my due date.
Sixteen days!?
I feel like both dates have crept up on me.
Very soon my life will change dramatically. The first year after Abby's death is over and a new year begins tomorrow. Any day now Baby C will be born and our family will be blessedly and forever changed. I can't picture what my life will be like when I am the mother of four daughters. I know from experience that my heart will have more than enough room to love them all equally, but I worry that Abby will be pushed too far to the back of the line. She isn't here physically to demand my attention and there are no physical ways for me to parent her. "Out of sight, out of mind" ?? I know that I won't ever forget Abby but I resist even the slightest fading of her memory. I don't want a single day to go by without me thinking of her. It's easy to believe that as time goes by, the pain and grief and memories will naturally fade but I don't want that. Not that I want to grieve and hurt forever, but I want the memories to be present and fresh forever, as real as the children that remain with me on earth.
I'm afraid of the day that I take down some of her pictures or put away her keepsakes permanently. Will I eventually decide to not make her a birthday cake or hang her tiny Christmas stocking? I want her to be a member of our family in every way, even though she isn't here physically. Although I know that Baby C won't replace Abby, she will be the baby in the house, the baby that Abby was supposed to be. I don't resent that, and I *do* desperately love and want this baby, but it feels a bit like a betrayal to Abby to 'fill her shoes' so soon. I hope she knows that Baby C is an addition to our family, and not a substitution.
This isn't making sense. I just can't put my thoughts into words.