Untitled
I am going to sit on my arse and do nothing but eat twinkies for the rest of my days.
The kids can learn to care for themselves.
Yesterday, I asked Kim to set the table.
She put THREE plates on the table (should be 4), and NOTHING ELSE.
So, what are we going to eat with, our hands?
No s&p, no cups, nothing to drink.
Nothing.
I asked her to put her laundry in the laundry room TODAY.
She didn't, so she can do her own damn laundry.
Julia has not talked with me at all today.
Instead, she has WHINED AT ME.
EVERY.
SINGLE.
WORD.
She is NEVER satisfied.
She complains about everything,
she never wants what I can give her,
and she is so f-ing demanding, it's making me CRAZY!
How crazy? Crazy enough to eat twinkies and diet coke for supper at 8 pm.
I finally lost it tonight.
After trying to study all day.
After listening to Julia whine all day long about everthing.
After seeing what an atomic mess she made of the family room and her bedroom.
After taking the time to walk with her to get the mail and meander home while she rode her bike.
After hearing her whine about wanting to go to the park ALL THE WAY HOME from that walk.
After doing Kim's dishes that she didn't bother to do before going babysitting.
After not doing well on my exam.
After burning frozen pizza for Jack's supper (while I was on the phone while I was getting chicken out of the freezer for tomorrow night's supper while I was trying to ignore Julia whining for ice cream).
After finding dirty popcorn bowls in Julia's toy box (courtesy of someone's half-assed attempts at cleaning).
After shelling out $$$ for Julia's gymnastics registration.
After making Julia's lunch for school tomorrow.
After giving her a quick bath before bed before school tomorrow.
After filling out her little school book order form and writing ANOTHER friggin' cheque.
After Jack was gone all day to a course for work.
After Jack left AGAIN tonight for a mandatory safety meeting for work.
After coming home and finding burnt pizza crust on the living room carpet that the dog had pulled out of the overflowing garbage bag that is still sitting in the kitchen.
I screamed.
I yelled.
I ranted and raved.
Julia went to bed crying.
I know this is very much to do with my meds and my grief.
I feel like a chemically controlled puppet that has no control over her moods.
I have PMS.
I'm tired of my fat butt.
And most of all, I miss Abby.
There aren't words
big enough
to express
how much
I miss her.
My whole body just aches and itches to hold her and kiss her and love her.
The words that I type every night to try to express my pain and my loss,
are nowhere near big enough to fully express it.
Not even close.
THIS SAYS IT ALL.
If you could only hear how loud I'm playing this song right now.
I'm sure my neighbors can.
I don't care.
"Untitled" - Simple Plan
I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight
And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!