It's the Coldest Winter E'er Told...
So...after sitting in front of the computer almost the entire day, I went across the hall and had a couple of drinks. I was only slightly buzzed and so I decided to go into Chris's room and play Mario Power Tennis. As I was zombified by all the pretty colors, Chris came in and shut the door. And there we got into a whole conversation on relationships, new ones that developed and old ones that stood, and where we stood with each of our own. It was really deep and I think that the both of us really needed to vent about our respective situations. I'm not going to say much about his, out of respect for him, but I guess I can reveal what I said there in my slightly buzzed state.
It's clear to me that I was no longer invincible like I used to be. Months ago, I was willing to try anything, do anything, and be anything I wanted to try, do, or be. Perhaps it's a combination of maturity and all of the shit and stress I've gone through this term, but along with the thicker skin, I've grown more insecure than ever. Every other morning I wake up either happier than I've ever been or wondering whether the love is still there for me or him. When he's not there, I question everything. When he is, nothing else matters. I can't say that I don't love him without feeling like I'm saying something wrong. But unlike the first few months, this long distance relationship is harder because here I feel so lonely.
All I know is, I'm not spending twenty-eight dollars on tickets for nothing. Sure, I want to get away like the next person. But there are so many other things there that prove that it's not just an occasional getaway. So what am I scared of?
I think I'm scared of ending up like my mother. She's grown colder and I'm definitely on my way. I don't want to lose my sanity. I don't want to lose the love.
I don't want to lose myself.
EDIT: Well, maybe I won't. I've been reassured that I won't. :-)
It's clear to me that I was no longer invincible like I used to be. Months ago, I was willing to try anything, do anything, and be anything I wanted to try, do, or be. Perhaps it's a combination of maturity and all of the shit and stress I've gone through this term, but along with the thicker skin, I've grown more insecure than ever. Every other morning I wake up either happier than I've ever been or wondering whether the love is still there for me or him. When he's not there, I question everything. When he is, nothing else matters. I can't say that I don't love him without feeling like I'm saying something wrong. But unlike the first few months, this long distance relationship is harder because here I feel so lonely.
All I know is, I'm not spending twenty-eight dollars on tickets for nothing. Sure, I want to get away like the next person. But there are so many other things there that prove that it's not just an occasional getaway. So what am I scared of?
I think I'm scared of ending up like my mother. She's grown colder and I'm definitely on my way. I don't want to lose my sanity. I don't want to lose the love.
I don't want to lose myself.
EDIT: Well, maybe I won't. I've been reassured that I won't. :-)