A lesson already learned: Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
And give me everything.
Seriously, Effrem Thomas, what do you want. If something is good enough I have to mess it up so I can see if I can do better. Right? It's like fix it syndrome. But fuck it up to fix it syndrome. Lol, or maybe I am just crazy. Truth be told I haven't really been the same in any of my relationships since dating Ashley.
Came out with an entire MixTape called PoSt MiSs only to find out that really I needed to drop a sequel.
Ugh. I break up with the only girl who cares about me the way I desperately want to be cared about right now. Its like life's trick. I think I understand what it was like to always feel like the person you love the most loves you less. Even if they constantly reaffirm it verbally and through some of the things that they do. What if you just feel that they love you less?
Then you're like what if that is a YOU problem. Then you're like what if I am just being insecure. Then I beg myself to stop thinking that way. And then I'm like no Effrem. Stop.
And the scary thing is that its noticable. Like I feel it in my stomach. My heart. My head. My soul. My being.
And then I really stop and think. And I get butterflies thinking:
It prob would have been a lot more conducive to feel that way when Ashley felt that way. Because I'm sure that, that was it. I am sure every that the same feelings of disconnect that I detect, are feelings that I once emitted. Got to be? Right? But then why couldn't I just get it right the first time. Why can't I. Or is it really still chemicals.
God Effrem. You really are a cynic. Not like I have the best friends to talk to right now. Guys aren't really the best for that sort of thing. My parents are still going through it. I just need to chop it up. OK.
Bullshit. What would be completely cynical is for me to get it and for this to not be the circumstance that I really get to apply it. That would really suck. But life really does play you like that sometimes.
Or maybe its only as bad as I let it be.
But Ash. I get it.
She has been home for the holidays and it has really been nice to see her. I am finding every day how much more I value the relationship with my family members. For the first time ever, we were in 6 different places for the holidays. It sucked. Not completely. Went to all of Christian's family's Thanksgiving. It was fun. I didn't really feel as much like myself but the family thing really does all take some getting used to.
I do sometimes feel like "I am doing it again." I literally did pick an almost identical scenario. The undergrad Effrem didn't really require that much time and attention because I was literally always so busy. Sounding familliar? Between school, track, and theater, and the social life I attempted to maintain, I did not require much. But post Effrem. Divorced Parents Effrem. Tanya lowkey still wants to kill you, Effrem; requires a lot. I sometimes wonder if I picked a champion for the task. The last struggled a lot.
What if every burden I bring to the table is always so much larger than other peoples that it never evens itself out. Lol ALAS! Out with the negativity though. My theater is running. $200,000 is grants pending right now. Soon as we close on my building I will love life more. Though I would love to answer a few of these other questions first.
I really can't complain but then it sometimes seems like I always have to try. Effrem Thomas, you really can't have everything. It's a lesson already learned.
Seriously, Effrem Thomas, what do you want. If something is good enough I have to mess it up so I can see if I can do better. Right? It's like fix it syndrome. But fuck it up to fix it syndrome. Lol, or maybe I am just crazy. Truth be told I haven't really been the same in any of my relationships since dating Ashley.
Came out with an entire MixTape called PoSt MiSs only to find out that really I needed to drop a sequel.
Ugh. I break up with the only girl who cares about me the way I desperately want to be cared about right now. Its like life's trick. I think I understand what it was like to always feel like the person you love the most loves you less. Even if they constantly reaffirm it verbally and through some of the things that they do. What if you just feel that they love you less?
Then you're like what if that is a YOU problem. Then you're like what if I am just being insecure. Then I beg myself to stop thinking that way. And then I'm like no Effrem. Stop.
And the scary thing is that its noticable. Like I feel it in my stomach. My heart. My head. My soul. My being.
And then I really stop and think. And I get butterflies thinking:
It prob would have been a lot more conducive to feel that way when Ashley felt that way. Because I'm sure that, that was it. I am sure every that the same feelings of disconnect that I detect, are feelings that I once emitted. Got to be? Right? But then why couldn't I just get it right the first time. Why can't I. Or is it really still chemicals.
God Effrem. You really are a cynic. Not like I have the best friends to talk to right now. Guys aren't really the best for that sort of thing. My parents are still going through it. I just need to chop it up. OK.
Bullshit. What would be completely cynical is for me to get it and for this to not be the circumstance that I really get to apply it. That would really suck. But life really does play you like that sometimes.
Or maybe its only as bad as I let it be.
But Ash. I get it.
She has been home for the holidays and it has really been nice to see her. I am finding every day how much more I value the relationship with my family members. For the first time ever, we were in 6 different places for the holidays. It sucked. Not completely. Went to all of Christian's family's Thanksgiving. It was fun. I didn't really feel as much like myself but the family thing really does all take some getting used to.
I do sometimes feel like "I am doing it again." I literally did pick an almost identical scenario. The undergrad Effrem didn't really require that much time and attention because I was literally always so busy. Sounding familliar? Between school, track, and theater, and the social life I attempted to maintain, I did not require much. But post Effrem. Divorced Parents Effrem. Tanya lowkey still wants to kill you, Effrem; requires a lot. I sometimes wonder if I picked a champion for the task. The last struggled a lot.
What if every burden I bring to the table is always so much larger than other peoples that it never evens itself out. Lol ALAS! Out with the negativity though. My theater is running. $200,000 is grants pending right now. Soon as we close on my building I will love life more. Though I would love to answer a few of these other questions first.
I really can't complain but then it sometimes seems like I always have to try. Effrem Thomas, you really can't have everything. It's a lesson already learned.