Girl you know I want so much more. Can you give me that?
Somethings don't and might not never change. I want everything. I think it will always be my downfall and my greatest drive. I wrote lyrics to a song saying, 'I want it all or nothing at all. I want everything or nothing.' I still feel that way. I grew out of it for a little while because I blamed it for the reason that some of my relationships were not successful. Truth is, that drive is part of what made me, me. It's part of what brought me success early on. So....finding a balance?
Growing up is about balancing things out. Finding out what from your childhood that you want to incorporate into adulthood. My entire life I have had so many people in my ear subtly influencing my decisions and my choices. It's a whole different story when I really have to be accountable for those things myself. It is scary. In most ways it sucks even. But what it does is build you up. Because if you do not have the utmost confidence in the decisions that you do make. If you are not ready to stand by those decisions. If you for the slightest reason question your own motivations, then true happiness is in jeopardy.
Me? Well, no one said the theater route was an easy one. Truthfully, it is just about the most inpractical thing I have ever done in my life. Effrem. You love money. You love a somewhat ritzy life style even if you are not addicted to material things. You love vacations, and going out, and being able to by nice things for the girl you like and your mother. SO WHY NOT GET A FUCKING REAL JOB AND PUT THE THEATER THING ON THE BACK BURNER?
I guess the truth is, I just want to be happy so bad. I hate feeling bad. I hate working hard when I feel the outcome won't make me feel good. I hate when I am not gambling with possibility. I feel like for a long time I did settle for was was easier and what was more mundane.
It's because the truth is, I feel like for a long time, I was concerned with what was practical. And now, truthfully, I STILL desire what is practical because in a lot of ways practical would be a lot easier. Or at least the perceived outcome would be a lot easier. I may never make enough money to truly be able to support myself off of theater alone. My plans to start a theater company may fall through. Everything I am doing now could truthfully be in vain. Ultimately, there is a lot of contentment in practicality, but there is a whole lot of contentment, and HAPPINESS in pursuing what brings you real JOY. We'll see how long I feel this way
So on a side note, I have a girlfriend. Who would of thought? Truth be told, I avoided getting a girlfriend for so long that it is still a little unreal to me. I guess part of it is that I am more 'seeing' this girl. I am a still a little confused about what it will feel like when I feel what I felt before. Of course, the realization is also that I will never feel what I felt before in the same regard. And part of me aches for familiarity.
The other issue is that I am still unreasonably taken with this other girl named Linda too. I stress unreasonably because it has been an obscenely long amount of time being occupied with one female. Annd, I am quite sure that I was mildly interested, and the rest came from the fact that she just shares the same named as my mama. Is that so bad though? Is it bad that some part of me desires to think of Mama Linda every time I call HER name? Haha I think it definitely counts as a fraction bit Oedipal. But who cares. More than anything I just feel like our energies resonate on the same frequencies. I feel drawn to the feeling of wanting something special
And thats the true feeling I am afraid off. I am afraid of the long pursuit because I am afraid of what it will mean. I am afraid of getting that close to anyone again. Its too much work. And getting older has only made some of my past traumas more visible. Oh how nice it was when I could bury my head in all the things I was occupied with and periodic accomplishments. Seems like right now I can't live life fast enough to not be blatantly aware. And truthfully, its probably for the best. Happiness can't come with so many demons in the closet.
It's tough not having someone who is fully and voluntarily equipped to deal with those demons. More so, I don't want too many relationships with people who aren't (like basically all my friends I grew up with. Who would of thought).
Well I am doing things one day at a time. Eventually reality will be a little bit more lucid. Until then I'll refer to transcendental meditation.
Growing up is about balancing things out. Finding out what from your childhood that you want to incorporate into adulthood. My entire life I have had so many people in my ear subtly influencing my decisions and my choices. It's a whole different story when I really have to be accountable for those things myself. It is scary. In most ways it sucks even. But what it does is build you up. Because if you do not have the utmost confidence in the decisions that you do make. If you are not ready to stand by those decisions. If you for the slightest reason question your own motivations, then true happiness is in jeopardy.
Me? Well, no one said the theater route was an easy one. Truthfully, it is just about the most inpractical thing I have ever done in my life. Effrem. You love money. You love a somewhat ritzy life style even if you are not addicted to material things. You love vacations, and going out, and being able to by nice things for the girl you like and your mother. SO WHY NOT GET A FUCKING REAL JOB AND PUT THE THEATER THING ON THE BACK BURNER?
I guess the truth is, I just want to be happy so bad. I hate feeling bad. I hate working hard when I feel the outcome won't make me feel good. I hate when I am not gambling with possibility. I feel like for a long time I did settle for was was easier and what was more mundane.
It's because the truth is, I feel like for a long time, I was concerned with what was practical. And now, truthfully, I STILL desire what is practical because in a lot of ways practical would be a lot easier. Or at least the perceived outcome would be a lot easier. I may never make enough money to truly be able to support myself off of theater alone. My plans to start a theater company may fall through. Everything I am doing now could truthfully be in vain. Ultimately, there is a lot of contentment in practicality, but there is a whole lot of contentment, and HAPPINESS in pursuing what brings you real JOY. We'll see how long I feel this way
So on a side note, I have a girlfriend. Who would of thought? Truth be told, I avoided getting a girlfriend for so long that it is still a little unreal to me. I guess part of it is that I am more 'seeing' this girl. I am a still a little confused about what it will feel like when I feel what I felt before. Of course, the realization is also that I will never feel what I felt before in the same regard. And part of me aches for familiarity.
The other issue is that I am still unreasonably taken with this other girl named Linda too. I stress unreasonably because it has been an obscenely long amount of time being occupied with one female. Annd, I am quite sure that I was mildly interested, and the rest came from the fact that she just shares the same named as my mama. Is that so bad though? Is it bad that some part of me desires to think of Mama Linda every time I call HER name? Haha I think it definitely counts as a fraction bit Oedipal. But who cares. More than anything I just feel like our energies resonate on the same frequencies. I feel drawn to the feeling of wanting something special
And thats the true feeling I am afraid off. I am afraid of the long pursuit because I am afraid of what it will mean. I am afraid of getting that close to anyone again. Its too much work. And getting older has only made some of my past traumas more visible. Oh how nice it was when I could bury my head in all the things I was occupied with and periodic accomplishments. Seems like right now I can't live life fast enough to not be blatantly aware. And truthfully, its probably for the best. Happiness can't come with so many demons in the closet.
It's tough not having someone who is fully and voluntarily equipped to deal with those demons. More so, I don't want too many relationships with people who aren't (like basically all my friends I grew up with. Who would of thought).
Well I am doing things one day at a time. Eventually reality will be a little bit more lucid. Until then I'll refer to transcendental meditation.