Randomly Composed Short Play #4
"Roommate Agreement"
(A couch. James lies on it, in a t-shirt and gym shorts. Tammy walks in, wearing a bathrobe.)
JAMES
Hey.
TAMMY
Oh, hey. Sorry.
JAMES
Why?
TAMMY
Walkin around all
(she fans the bathrobe).
JAMES
I don't mind!
(he sits up somewhat, then groans and lies back)
Ughh.
TAMMY
Are you feelin okay?
JAMES
Oh, you know.
TAMMY
Tired?
JAMES
Digesting.
TAMMY
Did you eat a whole box of Cheesy by yourself again?
JAMES
Maybe.
TAMMY
We are going to have to do something about you and your eating habits, Jamie.
JAMES
Ahh, whatever.
TAMMY
You are such a fatass.
JAMES
I know, I know.
TAMMY
No you aren't, stupid. It's not fair you eat a box of Cheesiest Macaroni n Cheese and just lie down and 'digest' and poof you're skinny again.
JAMES
You're not exactly...
TAMMY
Have you seen my butt? Look at this.
(She turns around and bends over and looks between her legs. James very clearly stares at her butt until she can see him.)
TAMMY
I can see it from here.
JAMES
That's cause you're on the other side of yourself.
TAMMY
What butt? You're buttless.
JAMES
(they've been over this before)
Yeah, I got it.
TAMMY
Look at this. Look at this!
(she rolls him over, he groans. she slaps his butt)
Nothin! Nothin! You take some of my butt.
JAMES
I like your butt.
TAMMY
You like big butts.
JAMES
I can not lie.
TAMMY
Do you have any brothers?
JAMES
I can't deny... That I don't.
TAMMY
If they can do liposuctions and implants, can't they do transplants?
JAMES
Of butts?
TAMMY
Yeah. Or take my butt and give me boobs.
JAMES
Yeah.
TAMMY
Guys have it so much easier.
JAMES
Right, cause I'm a Greek god over here.
TAMMY
Don't start with me, mister.
JAMES
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
TAMMY
You don't have to worry about-
JAMES
Make up.
TAMMY
You've already gotten the lecture, good.
JAMES
I wonder what it would be like if guys wore make up and girls didn't.
TAMMY
Oh Jesus, you don't want to see us without makeup.
JAMES
You're not wearing any now.
(Tammy yelps and hides her head in her hands.)
JAMES
Awww. You didn't mind before.
TAMMY
I've got to go put on mud now.
JAMES
You should stop wearing makeup.
TAMMY
I only don't wear makeup around you cause. You've already seen, there's no use fooling you.
JAMES
Oh, you're a beautiful girl.
TAMMY
Oh, right, right, right.
JAMES
Come on, you believed Tyler, right?
TAMMY
Well we broke up, didn't we?
JAMES
At least you've dated people.
TAMMY
Mister, and what about Karen?
JAMES
Oh, she doesn't count. It's not like - she - you know.
TAMMY
She's a slut-ho. Oops, did I say that?
(Pause.)
TAMMY
Yeah, I said that. I went there. All the way there.
JAMES
Fuck Karen.
TAMMY
Whatever, you had your fun, at least you get some action.
JAMES
How long ago was that?
TAMMY
LONGER than me and Tyler ago.
JAMES
Yeah, but that was actual going out, real-relationship-style.
TAMMY
Yeah but I still haven't gotten any ass in like a year. Must be cause I moved in here. No random guys to run into anymore. Just you and Dave.
JAMES
...and Saren.
TAMMY
GUYS, I said guys. I'm not ready to switch teams yet, I'm not that desperate.
JAMES
You just need to go out in public in your bathrobe.
(Tammy hits James.)
JAMES
Heyyy!
TAMMY
You wish.
JAMES
Hey, here you are.
TAMMY
Oh, I should go change.
JAMES
Oh, no, stay.
TAMMY
No, I-
JAMES
See,
(he grabs the remote control out of the couch and drops it on the floor)
I dropped the remote control, could you bend over and get it for me?
TAMMY
Oh, you mean, like this? How I wish I could bend at the knee! My butt's - all - in - the - air - when - I do it like this!
JAMES
Rawr, Tammy, just rawr.
TAMMY
I know, I should be a frickin stripper, booty like this.
JAMES
I'd pay to see you.
TAMMY
Yeah you would.
JAMES
...lap dances too.
TAMMY
(very sarcastically)
Right, that would be the sexiest thing in the world.
JAMES
We all know your dancing skills.
(He takes back the remote control.)
TAMMY
Only if it's to "Back That Azz Up."
JAMES
(dropping the remote control in his lap)
Oops, I dropped-!
TAMMY
Oh, let me get that for you!
(she climbs onto him)
JAMES
Oh, and I accidentally pushed play on this CD player-
TAMMY
"Back That Azz Up"?! My butt is strangely compelled to, what, what's it doing? Hmm?
JAMES
It's some sort of dance.
TAMMY
And it's doing it in your lap? What does this mean?
JAMES
I don't know, but I hear for a few dollars more-
TAMMY
Ahem, a hundred.
JAMES
A hundred!
TAMMY
This kind of booty don't come cheap!
(She's very much on top of him, and he's very much got his hands on her.)
JAMES
Couldn't I get a roommate discount?
TAMMY
What do you think THIS is?
(She breaks out laughing, and collapses on his shoulder, and he laughs too.)
TAMMY
Oh, James, you're so silly.
JAMES
Tammy, Tam Tams.
(After they laugh, she pats his stomach.)
TAMMY
(secretly chiding herself for upsetting his stomach)
So how's your digestion now?
JAMES
(secretly chiding himself for touching her)
Oh, yeah, it just, drives me crazy, you know. No self-control.
TAMMY
Can't resist the cheesiest.
JAMES
(as if to say, 'I'm coo-coo for the cheesiest' AND 'What a dumbass I was.')
Bllllaaacccchhh.
(Pause. Tammy hugs James, then gets off him.)
TAMMY
Yeah, has Dave mailed the rent yet?
JAMES
He SAID he did.
TAMMY
Oh, Dave, will you ever learn.
JAMES
Is it still on the fridgerator?
TAMMY
Let me see.
(She walks off casually to peek at the fridge and then come back and inform James. The play ends before she can get back.)
(A couch. James lies on it, in a t-shirt and gym shorts. Tammy walks in, wearing a bathrobe.)
JAMES
Hey.
TAMMY
Oh, hey. Sorry.
JAMES
Why?
TAMMY
Walkin around all
(she fans the bathrobe).
JAMES
I don't mind!
(he sits up somewhat, then groans and lies back)
Ughh.
TAMMY
Are you feelin okay?
JAMES
Oh, you know.
TAMMY
Tired?
JAMES
Digesting.
TAMMY
Did you eat a whole box of Cheesy by yourself again?
JAMES
Maybe.
TAMMY
We are going to have to do something about you and your eating habits, Jamie.
JAMES
Ahh, whatever.
TAMMY
You are such a fatass.
JAMES
I know, I know.
TAMMY
No you aren't, stupid. It's not fair you eat a box of Cheesiest Macaroni n Cheese and just lie down and 'digest' and poof you're skinny again.
JAMES
You're not exactly...
TAMMY
Have you seen my butt? Look at this.
(She turns around and bends over and looks between her legs. James very clearly stares at her butt until she can see him.)
TAMMY
I can see it from here.
JAMES
That's cause you're on the other side of yourself.
TAMMY
What butt? You're buttless.
JAMES
(they've been over this before)
Yeah, I got it.
TAMMY
Look at this. Look at this!
(she rolls him over, he groans. she slaps his butt)
Nothin! Nothin! You take some of my butt.
JAMES
I like your butt.
TAMMY
You like big butts.
JAMES
I can not lie.
TAMMY
Do you have any brothers?
JAMES
I can't deny... That I don't.
TAMMY
If they can do liposuctions and implants, can't they do transplants?
JAMES
Of butts?
TAMMY
Yeah. Or take my butt and give me boobs.
JAMES
Yeah.
TAMMY
Guys have it so much easier.
JAMES
Right, cause I'm a Greek god over here.
TAMMY
Don't start with me, mister.
JAMES
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
TAMMY
You don't have to worry about-
JAMES
Make up.
TAMMY
You've already gotten the lecture, good.
JAMES
I wonder what it would be like if guys wore make up and girls didn't.
TAMMY
Oh Jesus, you don't want to see us without makeup.
JAMES
You're not wearing any now.
(Tammy yelps and hides her head in her hands.)
JAMES
Awww. You didn't mind before.
TAMMY
I've got to go put on mud now.
JAMES
You should stop wearing makeup.
TAMMY
I only don't wear makeup around you cause. You've already seen, there's no use fooling you.
JAMES
Oh, you're a beautiful girl.
TAMMY
Oh, right, right, right.
JAMES
Come on, you believed Tyler, right?
TAMMY
Well we broke up, didn't we?
JAMES
At least you've dated people.
TAMMY
Mister, and what about Karen?
JAMES
Oh, she doesn't count. It's not like - she - you know.
TAMMY
She's a slut-ho. Oops, did I say that?
(Pause.)
TAMMY
Yeah, I said that. I went there. All the way there.
JAMES
Fuck Karen.
TAMMY
Whatever, you had your fun, at least you get some action.
JAMES
How long ago was that?
TAMMY
LONGER than me and Tyler ago.
JAMES
Yeah, but that was actual going out, real-relationship-style.
TAMMY
Yeah but I still haven't gotten any ass in like a year. Must be cause I moved in here. No random guys to run into anymore. Just you and Dave.
JAMES
...and Saren.
TAMMY
GUYS, I said guys. I'm not ready to switch teams yet, I'm not that desperate.
JAMES
You just need to go out in public in your bathrobe.
(Tammy hits James.)
JAMES
Heyyy!
TAMMY
You wish.
JAMES
Hey, here you are.
TAMMY
Oh, I should go change.
JAMES
Oh, no, stay.
TAMMY
No, I-
JAMES
See,
(he grabs the remote control out of the couch and drops it on the floor)
I dropped the remote control, could you bend over and get it for me?
TAMMY
Oh, you mean, like this? How I wish I could bend at the knee! My butt's - all - in - the - air - when - I do it like this!
JAMES
Rawr, Tammy, just rawr.
TAMMY
I know, I should be a frickin stripper, booty like this.
JAMES
I'd pay to see you.
TAMMY
Yeah you would.
JAMES
...lap dances too.
TAMMY
(very sarcastically)
Right, that would be the sexiest thing in the world.
JAMES
We all know your dancing skills.
(He takes back the remote control.)
TAMMY
Only if it's to "Back That Azz Up."
JAMES
(dropping the remote control in his lap)
Oops, I dropped-!
TAMMY
Oh, let me get that for you!
(she climbs onto him)
JAMES
Oh, and I accidentally pushed play on this CD player-
TAMMY
"Back That Azz Up"?! My butt is strangely compelled to, what, what's it doing? Hmm?
JAMES
It's some sort of dance.
TAMMY
And it's doing it in your lap? What does this mean?
JAMES
I don't know, but I hear for a few dollars more-
TAMMY
Ahem, a hundred.
JAMES
A hundred!
TAMMY
This kind of booty don't come cheap!
(She's very much on top of him, and he's very much got his hands on her.)
JAMES
Couldn't I get a roommate discount?
TAMMY
What do you think THIS is?
(She breaks out laughing, and collapses on his shoulder, and he laughs too.)
TAMMY
Oh, James, you're so silly.
JAMES
Tammy, Tam Tams.
(After they laugh, she pats his stomach.)
TAMMY
(secretly chiding herself for upsetting his stomach)
So how's your digestion now?
JAMES
(secretly chiding himself for touching her)
Oh, yeah, it just, drives me crazy, you know. No self-control.
TAMMY
Can't resist the cheesiest.
JAMES
(as if to say, 'I'm coo-coo for the cheesiest' AND 'What a dumbass I was.')
Bllllaaacccchhh.
(Pause. Tammy hugs James, then gets off him.)
TAMMY
Yeah, has Dave mailed the rent yet?
JAMES
He SAID he did.
TAMMY
Oh, Dave, will you ever learn.
JAMES
Is it still on the fridgerator?
TAMMY
Let me see.
(She walks off casually to peek at the fridge and then come back and inform James. The play ends before she can get back.)