(no subject)
I skipped my counseling session today because I was too tired to go. Then I couldn't sleep.
I kind of wish I had gone. It's been an incredibly rocky last few days. I did something pretty awful that I'm too ashamed even to mention here. Suffice it to say I've regretted it tremendously, more than I imagined I would regret it, yet in retrospect it seems stupid that I didn't realize how much I would regret it. I feel so low right now I'm not even sure I can drag myself to the talk that Julia Kristeva is giving on campus today.
Someone told me that he was worried I was suicidal. I told him that was not so; I've never felt suicidal. I've wished on a few occasions that I was unconscious, but never to kill myself. Then I started to wonder why I didn't want to kill myself. It's kind of a morbid thought I suppose. I don't like to talk about these things normally because I often think that some people say that they're suicidal in order to get attention. I don't want that kind of attention. I don't want people to worry about me, I don't want to give them reason to worry. I guess that's why I don't contemplate suicide--it doesn't seem like an option. Too many people I care about would be horrified at the thought. Aside from this feeling of duty to continue living though, I wonder sometimes what I have to live for. Sometimes the only reason I can identify is that I think that at some point my life will be different from how it is now. I'll feel different, be different. Circumstances will be more under control. I'll have some kind of direction. Then things will be better.
But then I wondered, what if things never get any better? What if I still feel the same? What if circumstances are never under control and I never find direction? Well... I don't know. I don't want to think about that. I remain optimistic.
I kind of wish I had gone. It's been an incredibly rocky last few days. I did something pretty awful that I'm too ashamed even to mention here. Suffice it to say I've regretted it tremendously, more than I imagined I would regret it, yet in retrospect it seems stupid that I didn't realize how much I would regret it. I feel so low right now I'm not even sure I can drag myself to the talk that Julia Kristeva is giving on campus today.
Someone told me that he was worried I was suicidal. I told him that was not so; I've never felt suicidal. I've wished on a few occasions that I was unconscious, but never to kill myself. Then I started to wonder why I didn't want to kill myself. It's kind of a morbid thought I suppose. I don't like to talk about these things normally because I often think that some people say that they're suicidal in order to get attention. I don't want that kind of attention. I don't want people to worry about me, I don't want to give them reason to worry. I guess that's why I don't contemplate suicide--it doesn't seem like an option. Too many people I care about would be horrified at the thought. Aside from this feeling of duty to continue living though, I wonder sometimes what I have to live for. Sometimes the only reason I can identify is that I think that at some point my life will be different from how it is now. I'll feel different, be different. Circumstances will be more under control. I'll have some kind of direction. Then things will be better.
But then I wondered, what if things never get any better? What if I still feel the same? What if circumstances are never under control and I never find direction? Well... I don't know. I don't want to think about that. I remain optimistic.