(no subject)
I asked Stephanie if my "ch'i" was better today,
just asking her that made me snicker, not like I think she's ridiculous, just that... maybe...
eccentric.
yes.
*chuckle* ...she amuses me.
to my astonistment and continued amusement she answered me, "yes, yes... much better today!" and even though she's a bit over-the-top, I can see through it all to how sincere she's being. for her beliefs, she actually thought my so-called ch'i was lookin up, in comparison to the previous day.
I wear it all over me and I hate it. it beats me down from the core to argue with someone so important.
from the music, to co-workers conversations, to the simple lack of the specific presence which is familiar to the construct, down to the very last book I reset right before I went to clock out.
I was sick of thinking about anything related to and/or about her by the end of the day.
I literally wanted to kill *scratch that- throw things.
the combined hurting/frustration/senselessness arguing.
pause.
I don't want to argue with you anymore- deep down you and I both know we have nothing to fucking argue about, except the unexplainable urge to just simply disagree because we feel compelled to repell, two ass ends of a magnet, pushing away to avoid how it naturely comes together...
I love you, damnit. now shut the fuck up.
.
when Stephanie said my ch'i was better I knew she meant it, and I knew she was right because I felt better. it was such a good silence. I brought hunch punch to work and Laura and I took a 10+ min to smoke some spice and giggle through the rest of the shift. I enjoy her company very much. She is very aloof. It's intriguing. like she's unsure and scared of everything. almost makes me want to hug her and tell her it's all ok. I digress. it was a good night.
and that was Saturday.
we smoked and hung out with jp. that's one cool cat. I haven't played with somebody else since before my wreck. it's been years. and it felt so good. I was almost where he is before the hardware was added to the arm, so we'll see. the girlfriend is pushing me to play more and I'm not sure why, it's sweet though. she feels like I need lots of reinforcement and yeah, I'd agree. we've been together so long, I forget how well she knows me. it makes me feel safe. if we can love each other after so many blows it's worth the effort. there's no need to begin again and go through hurting again, because I'm beginning to believe it's impossible to avoid... to be with someone and never have hurt them from the very beginning of the relationship to the very end... does that exist? well, I don't know, and I might never find out. ...and if I have to I might have a much better chance because I know I'm such a better person than I used to be. and so is she.
it's such a beautiful thing.
Monday,
I feel like it was for the best, I was hoping that you wouldn't be mad, but I see it in your behavior. I'll keep my distance, I don't want to cross you or any of the lines I'm clearly having trouble seeing. I hate feeling like I've done something but not understanding at all. I read our convo a couple of times to gather clues, but I'm still not sure what we argue about. what am I missing. I make you so uncomfortable and I'd rather just curl up into a ball away from everyone. I feel fine, I keep repeating to autumn. I told you we should take the weekend not to talk so I wouldn't be distracting you from what you wanted to focus on... resentment is not a feeling I wish to inspire in you. and I don't think I could tolerate much more arguing without understanding. you said something about it being weakness and not a jab on judgement. what does that mean... we don't have to talk. I'm not mad, I can't stay that way with you... feeling avoided is beginning to piss me off, but that's small, we'll discuss it, and I know you'll understand, you always do. I just wish we were all hanging out like you said we would. it'd be nice for us all to play cards, or drink or smoke... it's been almost 5 days since I've seen my best friend. I'm starting to feel it.
.
she's obviously smarter than people give her credit, and that's probably only because people assume that the super hot ones are stupid... and I'm so proud you prove them wrong baby. it's something I revell in knowing. you're so insightful, and I'm glad you love me. I've been making breakfast a lot lately, inpart because I want to spoil you, and also because strangely it sounds so good. I love to cook and who better to cook for than the people I love.
I so love the girlfriend.
she didn't listen very well, and I think it's because she was sad. I know it. she thinks the world of her. and it's so cute, like a little adorable mouse... and I told her, pot is always a good idea... and that I'd fix it. when all else fails... smoke a bowl. I should market that on bumperstickers.
ha.
and it made things better.
what is better...?
.
wednesday.
.
.
I didn't go to class. first day, no loss. the weather was awful. it's raining now outside as I type. I'm tired, not ready for the semester to start. got some things around the house accomplished. must clean out bookbag. must wake up early. I have to be in bed by 12 during the week, and it sucks, and I'm not sure I'll even be able to stick to that, but I'm gonna try. last night was a complete flop... with the bed time. I definately was overdue for a hug. I think she was too. I wonder if that's really all it takes. seems like it.
so if I want to stay mad... I have to avoid a hug.
ha.
ridiculous.
just got a mental shot of her chasing me around and me screaming "I don't want a hug!!!" while surpressing the laughter. we smack each other sometimes playfully but I can feel the energy behind the hits. I know she'd only ever choke me out of love. her and autumn have that in common... that urge to strangle me sometimes. it's cute. super cute. lol.
the fire department showed up on monday I forgot to mention. so much for burning down the neighborhood. and my evil plans are foiled yet again.
and it's a damn shame...
burn the bitch down.
just burn it all.