Girls, Insanity, "i'm good at being uncomfortable so i can't stop changing all the time"
I'm still utterly in love with her. And seeing pictures of her and my old friends and the group that i never really fit into but the relevence of her made it all worthwhile puts a knife right through my heart. I loved her. So much. I've never had a friendship so true. I've never had someone care about me so much and let me know it and be so genuine and real with me. It was the perfect relationship. And then Boom. Randomly it faded away. All the care leaked out and suddenly I was just another person. And I still didn't fit in that group, but I didn't even have her to make it worthwhile. So i bailed. I pulled out. And I know she always felt sour about it. I know she must have been upset and I'm sure she had some fighting words left for me, and still does, and even sent some my way once or twice. For abandoning her and leaving her. But I never left. I'm still here. She left me. She found something better and replaced me and wanted me to come along for the ride and hoped it would be okay that we're not one another's every day, day in and day out, everything.
And I can't pinpoint what it was. I can't describe it. I don't understand entirely. I'm sure there probably aren't even words for it. But in a nonperverted lesbian way, i fucking loved her and i will always love her and if she'll ever allow me back into her life i'll be right there in a heartbeat, dancing at clubs, going shot for shot, talking about boys and girls, watching useless television and passing the day with jokes and food and hour naps. :-)
I don't understand. I never will. And it's not something to even get over. What is it? What events am i trying to get past? Nothing specific really. But I'll go the longest time forgetting I ever had the ideal friendship, the only relationship I've ever had that kept me entirely sane, and then all of a sudden I dream about her, about her saying she wants to be my friend and we're catching up and everything is right back where it's supposed to be. And then I see pictures. And then I call. And I always get her voicemail and I never get a reply.
Eh. Fuck it. I just had to write about it. To get it out of my system. The ironic way it always plays out, the way I'm naturally and unavoidingly reminded of her is crazy. Now I'll have her in my mind for days to come, she'll disappear, and in another month Dreams again.
What is it that causes these dreams? Why must the unconscious be so mysterious? I wish i could understand where these random thoughts come from. I wish I could control them. But then i suppose the mystery and randomness would be gone and all of creativity would vanish and I'd just think what i want when i want and avoid all thinking outside any freakin boxes.
Anyway. I have a new friend. :-) Thanks for coffee, I really needed that.
Beautiful Girl came to my room the other night. And i've never been driven so insane. I've never wanted to fall into someone's arms so badly. I've never been so intrigued by someone's beauty. Ah. It's those freakin eyes. If she just never looked at me perhaps I'd be able to keep her out of my insanely unconscious mind as often as she's there. But no. She did. That upward stare with those crystal blue/green eyes and that perfect smile that lights up her entire face.
You'll have to excuse me. I just left gay and lesbian literature, and it's tradition to be girlcrazy with all of my lesbian friends after class, so this is the result.
Plus, what is my life aside from philosophy, coffee, writing, reading, and girls?
Shit. That's my life. I kind of love it though.
Oh, and rain. :-) So symbolic of my freedom. Of me and who I am and what I embody and everything I want to be. It makes no sense I words, I swear, otherwise I'd explain. Just know that I am the rain. And on our way back from portofino's after class tonight it was downpouring. I used my umbrella just for a moment to shielf Yara's ciggarette, then we all said fuck it and ran and put our arms out and laughed and just frolicked in the rain. :-) And it's so warm. I wish I could just go lay somewhere and let it beat down on me and fall asleep there, consumed in water.
Or fuck in the rain? Props to Yara for having success in that department. hah. Sounds glorious, really.
"at least you're learning something for all the money you're paying.... i could barely understand what you were saying past all the big words and metaphors." and in attempts to teach my father some valueable life lessons, this is how he responds to my email. finally a compliment on my intelligence. took you almost 20 years, sir. hopefully you're feeble little mind could string together my words in order to actually make a difference in my life beyond sheer joy of one simple, indirect compliment.
anyway...
Sometimes I feel like i have to make up for the insanity I'm lacking in this gay world. Is it really necessary that most lesbians be extremely fucked up with mental illnesses, family issues, or a history of abuse? How can I make myself fit into such a crazy life? How can I dub myself good enough in the context of 'issues' to have the ability to comfort any future mate i may have?
I wonder what my illness is? I wonder what it is about me that makes it possible for me to fit. Or perhaps I just don't belong. Or perhaps it's okay that there's no nook where I can mold myself into. But I do know that I am surely woman enough to be with another woman, but I don't know if I have enough problems to be with others who have issues of their own that could completely demolish mine.
Let's think of it this way though - how many of us just let our problems sit? How many of us don't delve into them, or even bother to identify them, thus we're num to their effects, on the outside, but on the inside they're eating away at our mortality and soon we'll crumble to a lesser form, confused and twitching, wondering where reality went and how the fuck we got here. Or there. Since this would have to happen in the future. Let me ponder all the things that have just been sitting, waiting to explode in my face and become issues that not even seemingly insane lesbians can deal with. Funny thing though, I may have created the insanity for myself. But of course it was without realizing.
Father issues. Lack of parenting. Sex. Alcohol. Identity crisis. Consuming me from inside and causing me to be another crazy lesbian, so i can fit in, so i can take the mold, so i can be the same - but completely fucking different.
We all have issues. How much are we letting them effect us? And is it that I can't handle, can't help enough, an insane mate, or am I just too stable by resisting my own insanity, despite my issues, that i lack respect for them, and/or tolerence, and prefer not to meddle with such a weak character?
And I can't pinpoint what it was. I can't describe it. I don't understand entirely. I'm sure there probably aren't even words for it. But in a nonperverted lesbian way, i fucking loved her and i will always love her and if she'll ever allow me back into her life i'll be right there in a heartbeat, dancing at clubs, going shot for shot, talking about boys and girls, watching useless television and passing the day with jokes and food and hour naps. :-)
I don't understand. I never will. And it's not something to even get over. What is it? What events am i trying to get past? Nothing specific really. But I'll go the longest time forgetting I ever had the ideal friendship, the only relationship I've ever had that kept me entirely sane, and then all of a sudden I dream about her, about her saying she wants to be my friend and we're catching up and everything is right back where it's supposed to be. And then I see pictures. And then I call. And I always get her voicemail and I never get a reply.
Eh. Fuck it. I just had to write about it. To get it out of my system. The ironic way it always plays out, the way I'm naturally and unavoidingly reminded of her is crazy. Now I'll have her in my mind for days to come, she'll disappear, and in another month Dreams again.
What is it that causes these dreams? Why must the unconscious be so mysterious? I wish i could understand where these random thoughts come from. I wish I could control them. But then i suppose the mystery and randomness would be gone and all of creativity would vanish and I'd just think what i want when i want and avoid all thinking outside any freakin boxes.
Anyway. I have a new friend. :-) Thanks for coffee, I really needed that.
Beautiful Girl came to my room the other night. And i've never been driven so insane. I've never wanted to fall into someone's arms so badly. I've never been so intrigued by someone's beauty. Ah. It's those freakin eyes. If she just never looked at me perhaps I'd be able to keep her out of my insanely unconscious mind as often as she's there. But no. She did. That upward stare with those crystal blue/green eyes and that perfect smile that lights up her entire face.
You'll have to excuse me. I just left gay and lesbian literature, and it's tradition to be girlcrazy with all of my lesbian friends after class, so this is the result.
Plus, what is my life aside from philosophy, coffee, writing, reading, and girls?
Shit. That's my life. I kind of love it though.
Oh, and rain. :-) So symbolic of my freedom. Of me and who I am and what I embody and everything I want to be. It makes no sense I words, I swear, otherwise I'd explain. Just know that I am the rain. And on our way back from portofino's after class tonight it was downpouring. I used my umbrella just for a moment to shielf Yara's ciggarette, then we all said fuck it and ran and put our arms out and laughed and just frolicked in the rain. :-) And it's so warm. I wish I could just go lay somewhere and let it beat down on me and fall asleep there, consumed in water.
Or fuck in the rain? Props to Yara for having success in that department. hah. Sounds glorious, really.
"at least you're learning something for all the money you're paying.... i could barely understand what you were saying past all the big words and metaphors." and in attempts to teach my father some valueable life lessons, this is how he responds to my email. finally a compliment on my intelligence. took you almost 20 years, sir. hopefully you're feeble little mind could string together my words in order to actually make a difference in my life beyond sheer joy of one simple, indirect compliment.
anyway...
Sometimes I feel like i have to make up for the insanity I'm lacking in this gay world. Is it really necessary that most lesbians be extremely fucked up with mental illnesses, family issues, or a history of abuse? How can I make myself fit into such a crazy life? How can I dub myself good enough in the context of 'issues' to have the ability to comfort any future mate i may have?
I wonder what my illness is? I wonder what it is about me that makes it possible for me to fit. Or perhaps I just don't belong. Or perhaps it's okay that there's no nook where I can mold myself into. But I do know that I am surely woman enough to be with another woman, but I don't know if I have enough problems to be with others who have issues of their own that could completely demolish mine.
Let's think of it this way though - how many of us just let our problems sit? How many of us don't delve into them, or even bother to identify them, thus we're num to their effects, on the outside, but on the inside they're eating away at our mortality and soon we'll crumble to a lesser form, confused and twitching, wondering where reality went and how the fuck we got here. Or there. Since this would have to happen in the future. Let me ponder all the things that have just been sitting, waiting to explode in my face and become issues that not even seemingly insane lesbians can deal with. Funny thing though, I may have created the insanity for myself. But of course it was without realizing.
Father issues. Lack of parenting. Sex. Alcohol. Identity crisis. Consuming me from inside and causing me to be another crazy lesbian, so i can fit in, so i can take the mold, so i can be the same - but completely fucking different.
We all have issues. How much are we letting them effect us? And is it that I can't handle, can't help enough, an insane mate, or am I just too stable by resisting my own insanity, despite my issues, that i lack respect for them, and/or tolerence, and prefer not to meddle with such a weak character?