(no subject)
AH. Another failure. Little does she know. Damnit. And i was having such a good time. How could you be with someone when that sort of connection is not there? I can't. I mean, I can try. I keep trying so hard. But not too hard. I made sure this time. And still somehow a failure. I'm so confused. It doesn't make sense. I don't want You to be the one and only. Ew. That's fucking horrible. There's no way that you are. I don't know why you were. And I am not just fooled or difficult nor did you just simply know me quite well, it was the first time and it was every time and it was so natural and easy and comfortable and amazing. Damnit. It's not fair. Fuck this body I'm forced to dwell in. I REFUSE to let you be my only one.
I also refuse to let that failure happen again anytime soon. Hah. Believe me, I'm more disappointed than she would be. Might as well just avoid it.
Otherwise, I've been having a good time. Miss the passion though. I miss always wanting to touch and kiss and hold. Like with Lex. That was nice. It should be something natural for myself. I can't force myself to have desires like that. And yet it's so strange that I just simply do not for certain people. Such a mystery I am to even myself.
I hardcore applied for jobs today on craigslist. Mostly hostessing jobs. They seem easy and pay well. A place less than a block away from my dorm called me earlier and I have an interview Thursday. Perfect. And it's an irish pub? My favorite! hah. I think it will go rather well.
This weekend with Minn was Amazing. We did Everything. We went everywhere and saw everything. I feel like a real new yorker. Not because I played tourist all weekend, hah that part we'll leave out, but the fact that i've seen everything and I know everything is a big plus. We wandered around Times Square and went shopping briefly at cheap places, went to Grand Central, Rockafella Center, Central Park alllll day on Friday was Amazing :-D, The Met. for a few hours wandering in and out of art. We got lost downtown... sort of... totally found our way though, had dinner in the village, people watched at astor place, walked up and down the brooklyn bridge, stood beneath the empire state building, got lost in Queens, and took pictures of the statue of liberty. We did it all. :-) And I hope Melinda had a great time. lol It was awesome seeing her in this setting, so Wowed by everything crazy and new. It was like seeing myself when I first got here, confused by subway cars and the difference between trains, and being amazed by all the different people and their crazy style and ways of life. Totally awesome. I'm so glad I live here.
I can't wait to get an apartment. I think I may get a studio if I can find one cheap enough. I know who I'm set to live with, but things keep changing, and I keep ending up disappointed. I could see it now. All set up with a place to live and last minute she decides she wants to live with someone else, or another random person will be moving in with us, or something just completely beyond my control and upsetting. I'll have no where to live and if I do it's a good chance I'll still be living in misery. I mean, I'll stick with the plan I guess, but I should really start plotting alternatives in case my worst nightmares come true, like they usually do. So, just in case, I would love a studio apartment with a couch facing the window so I can do my work while looking over the city, hopefully downtown somewhere, or even in Brooklyn would be cool. I'd put a fancy carpet in the middle of the wooden floor, and black and white photos on the brick exposed wall, a painting or two on the plain white wall, curtains held on the sides of the windows and a cute little table for two off to the side of the room. I'd gather little cheap or free odds and ends from craigslist, including, definately, a bookshelf and hopefully somewhere to put my clothes, although a closet would be best. Anyway. I'm ready to just get my life started. I need to get a job and start saving and get my own place, decorate, relax, and get on the move.
I have class later on. I might just leave in a half hour and get some food there and finish my reading for class in the library. I wish I had someone to get dinner with. Perhaps Melissa? Perhaps just me. I'm fine with that too.
"thought i'd cry for you forever. but i couldn't. so i didn't. people's children die and they don't even cry forever. thought i'd see your face in my mind for all time but i dont even remember what your ears look like. and the clock still strikes midnight and noon. and the sun still rises and so does the moon. birds still migrate south and people move on. even though i'm no longer in your arms. thought the mountains would crumble and the rivers would bend. but i thought all wrong. the world did not end. the maps will just have to stay the same for a while. didn't even need therapy to rehabilitate my smile."
this is a sign. that i'm totally wrong. haha. that's completely hipocritical. who would quote something like that or write a song about it to begin with if the thought of someone is actually out of their minds. anyway... i'm gettin there tho.
do you remember the way you used to talk about her? as soon as you and i started? all the time i heard her name. it's the same with you. i speak of you the same way you spoke of her. that's not too good, now is it?
i wish i was never hurt so bad. for my sake. for our sake. for yours.
but whatever. stay gone. you hurt less that way. you were right the whole time.
disappear.
I also refuse to let that failure happen again anytime soon. Hah. Believe me, I'm more disappointed than she would be. Might as well just avoid it.
Otherwise, I've been having a good time. Miss the passion though. I miss always wanting to touch and kiss and hold. Like with Lex. That was nice. It should be something natural for myself. I can't force myself to have desires like that. And yet it's so strange that I just simply do not for certain people. Such a mystery I am to even myself.
I hardcore applied for jobs today on craigslist. Mostly hostessing jobs. They seem easy and pay well. A place less than a block away from my dorm called me earlier and I have an interview Thursday. Perfect. And it's an irish pub? My favorite! hah. I think it will go rather well.
This weekend with Minn was Amazing. We did Everything. We went everywhere and saw everything. I feel like a real new yorker. Not because I played tourist all weekend, hah that part we'll leave out, but the fact that i've seen everything and I know everything is a big plus. We wandered around Times Square and went shopping briefly at cheap places, went to Grand Central, Rockafella Center, Central Park alllll day on Friday was Amazing :-D, The Met. for a few hours wandering in and out of art. We got lost downtown... sort of... totally found our way though, had dinner in the village, people watched at astor place, walked up and down the brooklyn bridge, stood beneath the empire state building, got lost in Queens, and took pictures of the statue of liberty. We did it all. :-) And I hope Melinda had a great time. lol It was awesome seeing her in this setting, so Wowed by everything crazy and new. It was like seeing myself when I first got here, confused by subway cars and the difference between trains, and being amazed by all the different people and their crazy style and ways of life. Totally awesome. I'm so glad I live here.
I can't wait to get an apartment. I think I may get a studio if I can find one cheap enough. I know who I'm set to live with, but things keep changing, and I keep ending up disappointed. I could see it now. All set up with a place to live and last minute she decides she wants to live with someone else, or another random person will be moving in with us, or something just completely beyond my control and upsetting. I'll have no where to live and if I do it's a good chance I'll still be living in misery. I mean, I'll stick with the plan I guess, but I should really start plotting alternatives in case my worst nightmares come true, like they usually do. So, just in case, I would love a studio apartment with a couch facing the window so I can do my work while looking over the city, hopefully downtown somewhere, or even in Brooklyn would be cool. I'd put a fancy carpet in the middle of the wooden floor, and black and white photos on the brick exposed wall, a painting or two on the plain white wall, curtains held on the sides of the windows and a cute little table for two off to the side of the room. I'd gather little cheap or free odds and ends from craigslist, including, definately, a bookshelf and hopefully somewhere to put my clothes, although a closet would be best. Anyway. I'm ready to just get my life started. I need to get a job and start saving and get my own place, decorate, relax, and get on the move.
I have class later on. I might just leave in a half hour and get some food there and finish my reading for class in the library. I wish I had someone to get dinner with. Perhaps Melissa? Perhaps just me. I'm fine with that too.
"thought i'd cry for you forever. but i couldn't. so i didn't. people's children die and they don't even cry forever. thought i'd see your face in my mind for all time but i dont even remember what your ears look like. and the clock still strikes midnight and noon. and the sun still rises and so does the moon. birds still migrate south and people move on. even though i'm no longer in your arms. thought the mountains would crumble and the rivers would bend. but i thought all wrong. the world did not end. the maps will just have to stay the same for a while. didn't even need therapy to rehabilitate my smile."
this is a sign. that i'm totally wrong. haha. that's completely hipocritical. who would quote something like that or write a song about it to begin with if the thought of someone is actually out of their minds. anyway... i'm gettin there tho.
do you remember the way you used to talk about her? as soon as you and i started? all the time i heard her name. it's the same with you. i speak of you the same way you spoke of her. that's not too good, now is it?
i wish i was never hurt so bad. for my sake. for our sake. for yours.
but whatever. stay gone. you hurt less that way. you were right the whole time.
disappear.