Bye Bye Blackbird
Well last night was a real eye opener.
Things have been weird between Brendon and I but Ive been in a kind of denial about it and been trying to get on with my own stuff and not focus on him so much. It all came to abit of a heads last night when he had a few beers and suddenly had loose lips and ended up spilling a shitload of pent up, built up stuff.
Long story short we stayed up till 1am talking and venting and each allowing the other to be completely honest without judgement or demanding. It was much needed from both parties and when I say we got everything out I mean we covered EVERYTHING. We were able to communicate so openly and honestly and offer support and willingness to change for eachother and it was so nice. I did smoke a pipe of Damiana (Damiana is a great herb used in alot of cultures for anxiety, stress, relaxation and just as a general mood uplifter) before we talked and yes I had finished a Bikram class earlier so maybe these two things combined created some sort of serenity in my head which then created positive energy within the conversation or something, not sure but either way things were discussed, options suggested and apologies for things were said and although we both got abit teary at one point it was such a releif and definately needed. It has now dawned on me that I am starting to slip back into old habits with my drinking and to be honest I wasn't even aware that it was getting bad again. I have noticed the distance between us emotionally lately and he has now admitted that when he recognises my self destructive side coming out he puts up his walls and pushes his emotions down. With that said (I had bought a bottle of red last night and downed one glass) I picked up the nearly full bottle and poured the lot down the sink. The idea that my drinking is actually effecting my relationship and how he feels about me is too much to bare and I honestly beleive that things will be different this time. I cannot get the image of him sobbing, naked in the bathroom out of my head and I never want to see him like that again so I think I will use that image to help me whenever I think of reaching for that bottle. I have decided once again that I am to become a non drinker, I cannot drink in moderation....well not always anyway and its those rare occasions that I do loose control that are taking their toll so enough is enough. I don't even like the feeling I get from alcohol but its obviously my emotional crutch as it helps me forget and wipes out negativity in my head. That said I have herbs now, I went looking for herbal alternatives originally to help me stop drinking and now that I have these tools I should put them into action. He told me last night he loves me herbs, on herbs Im sweet, abit silly but Im me, Im in control of my actions and the word he used I think was even "adorable".
So that is that. I tend to beleive now that my drinking is the root of alot of our problems as he has put up this wall for this and thus him blocking me out all the time creates alot more issues between us. He didn't ask me to give up alcohol last night but I want to. He has said he doesn't mind me having the odd beer here and there but I honestly beleive it will be easier for me to just abstain all together.
So that is that.
I look forward to a better future, us being closer and sharing our feelings more.