Back???
**Two of my favourite ravers. Taz 17 Sarah 32 xx
Well another Monday is upon us and I must say I ended up having an interesting weekend, one that has left me with alot to think about and ponder. Let us start at Friday where I left off:
So I left work and literally right as I opened the door to leave the 30 degrees and sunshine diminished and hail and thundering rains engulfed me.
Bloody Melbourne weather!
Got Brendon and we went Tarmac for my work xmas drinks to find that suprise suprise no one had turned up. At that we left, went home, got changed and went to the Millers for dinner with my family to celebrate dads 20% payrise. Very happy for dad, he does work hard and he does deserve it, and I love telling people my old man is a senior executive for a massive company. Even if his company is a competitor to Komatsu the company I work for lol. I always look to dad for advice on my career and oneday hope to be in a position as advanced as him and have his pay cheque.
Dinner was nice. As always was good to have a laugh with the family, everyone was in top spirits, even Brendon was quite chatty and friendly. He spent alot of time joking around with my mum which was a huge suprise to me ** . Left there still in high spirits and went Dan Murphy's for grog for the night.
Picked out goodies and left there by about 10pm completely in the mood to do something, I however was not getting my hopes up due to the events of last weekend.
Called a few people and got nos all around. It seemed everyone was either working or "not drinking atm" so left it at that and went home. I was all prepared for a night in with my man, maybe even break out the giggles** when he turns to me and says "Fuck I know how you feel now, about having no friends on a friday night."
We sat down and went through his facebook and mobile but couldn't find a single person he wanted to actually see for the night. I too pull out my phone and begin to sms a few of my friends, only to get the same msg from them all, that they are having an early one to prepare for "Stereosonic" the next day.
Suddenly those familiar feelings creep back.
Brendon leaves me to slunk away to his computer and I am left feeling exactly the same as I did last weekend.
Lonely, bored, disattached from the world around me and angry. Oh so very angry.
Angry at him for not trying hard enough to get out there. Angry at me for allowing his emotions to control my life and angry at the world for not rescuing me from my own personal hell.
He hears me crying and comes to see me.
He holds me and we talk, we talk for hours openly and honestly about what is missing and what needs to happen.
I just about fell out of my chair and for the first time in 4 years felt a huge weight lifted from me when he said "You want to go out with your friends go! You want to go clubbing go! I have been selfish and holding you back for too long, this is mostly my fault and I need to get over my stupid hang-ups!"
It's been nearly 3 years since I went to a club or an event (other than gigs).
It's been nearly 4 years since that faithful day we argued bitterly about me being in the rave scene and him hating it and not trusting it. 4 years since he gave me the ultimatium "me or the clubs". I know I chose right and I chose maturely but I have never hidden the fact that I miss it and gave it up purely for him.
He felt so strongly about his hatred of the scene back then so for him to do a complete turn around is a big deal.
I think this will help me. Not being restricted of the places I can go to anymore, it means my social calender suddenly opens up to more than just "hanging at peoples houses" suddenly when ppl tell me they are busy because they are going to Hard Kandy or 3D I can actually turn around and say "sweet Im in!" instead of giving up and going to bed.
I'll admit Im very excited to plan something, my big debut back on the scene. I think I will go out with Sarah as she is older (32) and I think she will look after me which will put brendon at ease too. He likes Sarah. It took awhile for him to warm to her but I think when he saw how much I genuinely love her he came around, as he knows I only fall for genuine, loving people.
Chrissy can get fucked, she is now only a name on my fb list not even an acquintance. I will not tell her I am back on the scene, going out with her is a nightmare, she gets wasted, disappears off on her own and leaves me hanging and scared. No thank you!
So yes excited but also scared. I started to look up event s earlier and felt a tad anxious. Ive felt this feeling before when Ive tried to plan things without Brendon and its made me realise maybe he's not all to blame. Maybe I am so used to our little life in a bubble together that getting out there scares me too now. I told Brendon this and he thinks his fear has fed off onto me and I still need to go out and suck it up.
He really is amazing. I am going to ring sarah for a quick catch up chat later and give her the news. Let her know the next big night she can count me in. I don't know where the good events are anymore, she does lol.
Saturday was a waste of my life!
3 fucking hours in a doctors waiting room for a bloody refill on my contraceptive pill prescription! Went to get a pap smear while I was there as I happened to get my favourite female doctor but sadly due to my flow was unable to. Went to make an app with her for next saturday and was told they "don't do appointments" as "this is a walk in clinic". This means I have to go through the whole ordeal of waiting again next saturday!
I would go to my usual doctors (where I have never had to wait longer than 20 minutes) but I don't like the female doctor there.
Finally got home, bren has been working on car all day and it seems to be one problem after another popping up. He can now start it but it barely makes it down the street it is running so rough. Looks like another week of being his chauffer. We end up discussing the idea of pulling his car off the road till he pays it off and can sell it and just relying on my car. I like the idea, we practically go everywhere together in my car as is so not much will change.
I have a lovely remainder of the afternoon, laying in the grass on the lawn reading tidbits from my Happy High Herbs book to brendon while he attempts any improvements to the car.
At 5pm we get changed for mums xmas cocktail party and leave by 6pm. Party is abit of a downer compared to other years. Letting the fancy dress theme go of the wayside could possibly be blamed for this, could also be that I was exhausted and for the first year really didn't feel like drinking, despite having a ride organised home.
Got home and decided fuck it lets try the giggles. The giggles were amazing, I won't go into obscure detail this time as they were almost indescribable. I felt an amazing connection to Brendon and the world around me...the word that comes to mind is spiritual and even to a point beautiful.
Sex was an out of body experience for us both and we did the deed two times right after one another until we literally fell asleep, feeling light, floaty and contented.
Well worth the money to feel the true beauty of the world.
Sunday we awoke at 9am feeling alive and completely rested. Both note that we seem to sleep great on this herbal stuff.
We arise, dress and head to highpoint for xmas shopping. Suprisingly end up doing practically all of mine in one go. I am spoiling my sister a tad this year, just to show her how proud I am of her. She is getting Ed Hardy perfume and an Ed Hardy case for the new iphone she is getting. Dad is getting a book of adults only jokes that he can sit and read to us all xmas day (he loves cheap funny stuff as presents), mum is getting the new book by George and Gary that she requested, Bren is getting Call of Duty Black Ops (I know, after all my whinging....he loves it...its the least I can do since he is giving me back a big part of my life), Micheal is getting a Mossimo t-shirt and I have ordered little Sasha a red velvet, rhinestone studded doggie collar, she will look so cute!
I still want to get a few more things for everyone....Im a beleiver in more than one present per person and maybe a bottle of wine/ choccies for each person, something decadent.
Had an early night last night which leads me to today and now!
XOX
**Brendon does not have the warmest feelings for my mother. This is due to alot of fights her and I have had where she has said very hurtful things to me.
**Giggles are the last of our NZ special herbal tablets. They are pschoactive and very strong!