Epiphany
I write this today from the land of utter delerium.
If this doesn't make sense I apologise.
I am functioning on 2 hours of sleep, 2 coffees and half a pork roll so I will make this brief.
Saturday night was not good. I felt so alone and almost to an extent betrayed, like I didn't have a true friend in the whole world. I jumped on facebook and ranted and raved and basically told everyone in my statuses where to go and shove their friendships. Today as I look back over all the comments and messages of people giving me their numbers to call them to talk I feel kind of bad for going off the way I did but in my defense I did have some valid points. I am abit sick and tired of always having to go and visit other people, no one ever seems to want to actually come and see me and yes it is abit disappointing and frustrating but I suppose if I don't say anything to people then it will never change.
I spoke to my partner Brendon the next day and as I looked at things in a rational mindframe and from anothers point of veiw I now realise that I do expect too much from people. I expect friends to just know when I need them and drop all their plans to be there for me and thats not fair.
I also don't give people enough notice. I can't call people up on a Saturday night and just assume they will be free, people plan things, I should know Im a big planner myself and thats what I need to do. Rather than leave my nights free in the vain hope that someone will pop in or call past I need to work out who I want to see, what I want to do and organise it!
I have also decided to try something else to help rebuild my social life.
As of tonight I am no longer using my facebook or myspace accounts.
I will keep the accounts open for "just in case" purposes but I will rarely be checking in, maybe once every month or something and even then it will only be to check notifications and messages I will no longer be updating anything on the profile itself.
Why you ask?
I recently read a article about how technology such as email, facebook and twitter is ruining the social and interpersonal skills of gen y-ers and I am starting to agree. Part of my problem is I live too much in my "facebook fantasy world" where I have 258 friends, all of whom I speak with on a daily basis and intimately know details about their personal lives. I constantly have new friend requests and am meeting new and amazing people and having great connections with these people online. Everything about my facebook social status is perfect.
Then I look away from the computer screen and my world couldn't be more different.
Could I call half of these people and talk to them for real? Probably not.
Would we have as great a connection for real as we do online? Who knows.
The thing is because I am safe and comfortable online, hiding behind my screen I don't even bother to try. It seems rather than get out there, see people, take part in events I find it easier to just look at the photos people post, comment and get validation for the photos of events I post with comments vice versa.
Validation.....that is the big issue here I think...hmmmm.
It seems I have spent so much time and effort perfecting my facebook life/ image that I forgot about my real life.
Well it stops here.
No more "facebooking" as a passtime. Looking at peoples photos of social events and feeling resentful, wondering why I wasn't invited to this or that.
No more toxic behavior that facebook has brought out in me. I added Rachel Harrigan just to get gossip about how shitty her life is turning and use that information as a means of making myself feel better. This is not like me and not something I am proud of!
I have peoples numbers. Those whose I don't I will get tonight when I announce that I won't be checking into fb much anymore that thus I am to be contacted on my phone if anyone ever needs me. I will go back to phoning and texting people, the way things were done before social networks back when I actually had a decent social life.
I will start planning things and organising get togethers with people. I will also start tagging along to other peoples plans when they allow. The more I put myself out there, the more people will remember me and think of me when they make plans themselves.
So I have acknowledged what I want and what needs to be done. Relationships will not form overnight and this is going to take time and more of simply putting myself out there, even more than what I am doing now to be honest.
It starts tonight with ditching facebook!