Taking Back Control....The Only Way I Know How!
Things are better....well getting there.
I opened up completely to Brendon.
I confessed about the darkness in my mind, the abusing of the Mersyndol and the feeling like we were loosing our spark.
I ended up writing him a letter.
I gave him the letter on Saturday and I have already noticed a change.
For one thing he has started randomly telling me he loves me, something I don't hear from him as much as I would like to.
He has also started giving me praise for certain things. When I cook a good meal instead of just eating it he has actually been saying things like "This is really good" ....it's something so little but you can't imagine how appreciated it makes me feel.
So that aspect is going better.
Another thing I have been thinking is I really need to curb my drinking behavior.
I know I have said it before and I know in the past I have made half assed attempts to stop so I don't blame anyone if they don't take me seriously this time either but it is now starting to affect my mental health and it is actually really concerning me now.
In the past I was only annoyed at myself because when I drink I get emotional and confess things I wouldn't normally tell people but now I am genuinely concerned for my health both physically and mentally.
I have noticed that with my "darkness" coming back it seems to be at its worst when I have had a big drinking session 48 hours prior. Alcohol is a depressant afterall and I feel like the amount I drink socially is causing an imbalance of chemicals in my brain.
I wish I could be the type of person that could have 2 drinks and say no more.
I've tried that way but once I have one I want more and more till Im at the point of no return.
I need to control this better but it will definately be a long process.
It is also a process I am going at alone as whenever I confide in others close to me about my drinking I either get told not to worry, that I don't have a problem or the reaction is sort of "oh again ey, how long will you last this time".
So Im not relying on anyone.
I decided last night I need to make a few changes to better my mind and body for the long term and the changes are as follows:
1. Give up alcohol completely for awhile! I find I am fine if I don't drink I actually don't crave it but it's once I have one drink that I can't stop...so no alcohol at all for as long as I can last....hopefully I can last till my 21st (21st November) which is 54 days away then I will really have proven something to myself and everyone and can validate having a few for my birthday.
2. Cutting down on ciggarettes. Not ready to quit them completely but it couldn't hurt to cut them down alot. I would like to do what chrissy is doing and gradually become a social smoker or someone who just smokes when they drink. Then when the time comes that I do want to quit it will be so much easier. Yesterday I had 6 ciggarettes. It is 11:10am now and I have only had 3 so far.
3. Getting into a good sleeping pattern/ habit. From now on everynight I shall have my shower at no later than 10:30pm and settle down in bed with either a movie or a book and a cup of cammomile tea. I will also not have any ciggarettes after I have had one with Brendon at 9:30pm as I think smoking up until bedtime probably hasn't helped my insomnia. I tried this system last night and actually got really sleepy at midnight and ended up rolling over and passing out. Felt so good to just fall asleep naturally for once!
4. My body. I haven't let myself go hugely thankfully but I would like to get back up to how I was when I first started working here. So from now on at least one body attack class a week (2 if I can make it) and whenever I am not working sunday I want to get back into body balance as this would really help me battle my demons with the drinking and the smoking. I also will try and do at least one 30 min gym session a week somewhere in there.
5. Must continue to work on my relationship with Brendon and getting us back to how we were. I think part of my problems are caused by feeling stressed that we are not going good so if I can prove we are then my mind will be at peace. I have already started planning little surprises for him such as breakfasts in bed and little surprise outings for us that I think he will love.
6. Also working on my appearance alot. If I look good I tend to feel good.
So yes this is the plan and I AM sticking to it I promise with or without anyone else's support....I am strong I can do this! I will mark this entry as a memory and referr to it whenever I feel like letting go. it will remind me of how determined I felt at this point and all my good reasons for doing this. Wish Me Luck!
TTFN xo
I opened up completely to Brendon.
I confessed about the darkness in my mind, the abusing of the Mersyndol and the feeling like we were loosing our spark.
I ended up writing him a letter.
I gave him the letter on Saturday and I have already noticed a change.
For one thing he has started randomly telling me he loves me, something I don't hear from him as much as I would like to.
He has also started giving me praise for certain things. When I cook a good meal instead of just eating it he has actually been saying things like "This is really good" ....it's something so little but you can't imagine how appreciated it makes me feel.
So that aspect is going better.
Another thing I have been thinking is I really need to curb my drinking behavior.
I know I have said it before and I know in the past I have made half assed attempts to stop so I don't blame anyone if they don't take me seriously this time either but it is now starting to affect my mental health and it is actually really concerning me now.
In the past I was only annoyed at myself because when I drink I get emotional and confess things I wouldn't normally tell people but now I am genuinely concerned for my health both physically and mentally.
I have noticed that with my "darkness" coming back it seems to be at its worst when I have had a big drinking session 48 hours prior. Alcohol is a depressant afterall and I feel like the amount I drink socially is causing an imbalance of chemicals in my brain.
I wish I could be the type of person that could have 2 drinks and say no more.
I've tried that way but once I have one I want more and more till Im at the point of no return.
I need to control this better but it will definately be a long process.
It is also a process I am going at alone as whenever I confide in others close to me about my drinking I either get told not to worry, that I don't have a problem or the reaction is sort of "oh again ey, how long will you last this time".
So Im not relying on anyone.
I decided last night I need to make a few changes to better my mind and body for the long term and the changes are as follows:
1. Give up alcohol completely for awhile! I find I am fine if I don't drink I actually don't crave it but it's once I have one drink that I can't stop...so no alcohol at all for as long as I can last....hopefully I can last till my 21st (21st November) which is 54 days away then I will really have proven something to myself and everyone and can validate having a few for my birthday.
2. Cutting down on ciggarettes. Not ready to quit them completely but it couldn't hurt to cut them down alot. I would like to do what chrissy is doing and gradually become a social smoker or someone who just smokes when they drink. Then when the time comes that I do want to quit it will be so much easier. Yesterday I had 6 ciggarettes. It is 11:10am now and I have only had 3 so far.
3. Getting into a good sleeping pattern/ habit. From now on everynight I shall have my shower at no later than 10:30pm and settle down in bed with either a movie or a book and a cup of cammomile tea. I will also not have any ciggarettes after I have had one with Brendon at 9:30pm as I think smoking up until bedtime probably hasn't helped my insomnia. I tried this system last night and actually got really sleepy at midnight and ended up rolling over and passing out. Felt so good to just fall asleep naturally for once!
4. My body. I haven't let myself go hugely thankfully but I would like to get back up to how I was when I first started working here. So from now on at least one body attack class a week (2 if I can make it) and whenever I am not working sunday I want to get back into body balance as this would really help me battle my demons with the drinking and the smoking. I also will try and do at least one 30 min gym session a week somewhere in there.
5. Must continue to work on my relationship with Brendon and getting us back to how we were. I think part of my problems are caused by feeling stressed that we are not going good so if I can prove we are then my mind will be at peace. I have already started planning little surprises for him such as breakfasts in bed and little surprise outings for us that I think he will love.
6. Also working on my appearance alot. If I look good I tend to feel good.
So yes this is the plan and I AM sticking to it I promise with or without anyone else's support....I am strong I can do this! I will mark this entry as a memory and referr to it whenever I feel like letting go. it will remind me of how determined I felt at this point and all my good reasons for doing this. Wish Me Luck!
TTFN xo