Could This Be The Very Thing That Ends It All?
I am faced with that very question today.
I did not sleep well last night and there's still a huge knot in my stomach.
Last night I was awoken to the cruel reality that I have been irresponsible with my money and if I want to make it in this world, living out of home with Brendon I need to start thinking like an adult and making a few sacrifices.
I did the wrong thing.
I originally did have $700 for my car but I blew it on gear one weekend and stupidly thought I could have the money back in there in no time. So me being short for payment for my car bill is really no one else's fault but my own.
Of course I didn't tell my parents where the money went.
So we had a good talk, discussed a plan of action to get my money flow back to a reasonable amount. It means I can not longer wait till the end of the year to leave McLaren Press, I need to be applying and getting interveiws NOW!
I also need abit more support and communication from Brendon, he earns more than double what I earn and yet I sometimes feel like he let's me struggle so he can live in complete comfort.
I know that's my fault because I don't tell him when Im short for cash but he's not dumb, he should realise that $445 a week is hard to live off, he had to do it once and struggled!
Now this is where we have a problem.
I wasn't going to delve to much into it on the phone last night but he forced me to eleborate when I mentioned that we had a few financial things I wanted I discuss over the weekend.
I told him that I need his help.
I told him that I cannot afford to support myself let alone build up any sort of savings account.
I told him I will need help with paying this bill for my car and that at this rate I may not even be able to afford the stamp duty and insurance on my astra.
He was fine with all this, said he expected I would need help with this stuff and to just tell him what I needed and he would help. However he did say this in an exhausted tone, as if although he knows he needs to help me part of him is disappointed that he has to chip in.
I then just casually mentioned that another idea that mum and dad thought would be a smart financial move was combining our savings accounts, that his and my pay becomes our money and I'll never have the problem of being abit strapped for cash again.
This is where I got my wake up call.
I thought Brendon would be all for it, we have actually discussed the idea before and he was happy to at the time however this time his reaction was different.
He not only doesn't want to but doesn't see the point in us combining our accounts. I tried my best to explain to him that it means complete financial stability and a commitment to one another but I just mustn't have been saying it right because he really refused to try and understand.
I then told him that if he didn't want to do that then I at least need to know where his money goes. If Im expecting him to support me then I have a right to know where the grand he earns a week all goes.
He explained that he pays his share of the bills, groceries and rent out of it which brings the total down to about $800.
He then said he spends about $130 on petrol per week, which I already knew, I know his car does suck the juice.
So that brings it down to about $670 left.
I then find out to my horror that $670 he has left over just gets blown on absolutely whatever he wants!
When I asked him point blank "Do you put anything away in savings?" his answer was a plain and simple no.
He thinks that nothing major will ever pop up in his life where he's going to need to have money stashed away and said that unless he is saving for something in particular he doesn't see the point in it.
Well I got angry at that point, and within perfect reason I think.
I am earning $445 a week, barely enough to live off and yet I manage to make sacrifices so I can have that $50 a week put away for emergencies.
He earns a grand a week he can put more than double what I earn a week away and yet he doesn't see the point or think that it's fair that he do!
I didn't want to start an argument over the phone so I tried to just quickly brush it off and say we'd talk about it more on the weekend, and luckily he had to get back to work at that point.
I was fuming at that point. It is so not fair that I am thinking about us, planning for our future and to get us secure and he is just flitting his money away on whatever shit he wants!
He even admitted at one point on the phone that part of his problem is he enjoys having all that money he works for to spend on whatever and is in a way being abit selfish with it.
I felt like screaming at him when he said that.
I felt like saying "Well you wanted us to get our own place, you knew that it would mean you wouldn't be able to do that anymore. If you want your money to yourself than maybe you need to go back and live with your mum or something!"
And I hate to say it Im actually considering it.
I don't want to break up with him, I love him more than anything but I cannot be with someone who is that immature minded when it comes to planning for the future and refuses to make sacrifices for it.
I messaged mum after I got off the phone with him and told her what he said. I told her that I think dad may need to talk to him, maybe dad can explain it in a way that gets it through to him. I hate to say it but I know Brendon doesn't listen to me sometimes.
If dad can't get through to him then I don't know.
Thing that sucks is if we break up I really have nowhere to go.
I can probably crash on mums couch for a few nights but then I have to find somewhere else, theres no room for me at my parents house anymore.
I guess I would probably just go and board somewhere, somewhere where people are looking for a flatmate just until I have a new job and can get my own flat or something.
I really don't want it to get to this, more than anything but Im trying to prepare myself for the worst atm.
Right now Im scared, I have never felt more alone and I hate where this could lead us.
Caio xo