December 5th 2011.
3 years ago, i was in this very seat ironically, just after having lunch with mom and maria. not a day goes by that i don't wish i could rewind time, savior those simple moments for just a little bit longer, maybe get a better understanding, maybe get a better closure, or any closure at all. i never thought i would be able to walk through these halls with ease again.
there are days when even the thought of being in school makes my stomach churn.i can never park in lot 4 again, the memories there overwhelm me, it becomes to much to handle. funny thing has always been i handle way too much in my mind than i should, but i can't even bare to attempt to handle anything close to that, close to her.
I can sometimes see the pain in my mom's eyes when we have lunch or when she picks me up from school. we haven't been to iwing since, i don't think either of us could stand it. and gwing no longer exists so i guess that makes it a tad easier. The front of lot 4 is mostly gone now, it's a grassy area, which is neither better or worse. i wish mom would talk about it more, or at all. i know she thinks about her everyday, and i know it's going to get worse with the anniversary coming up. it's going to be just as painful as the day she called me. i'll still feel the shooting pain through my heart, no irony intended. i'll still completely shut down. maybe for the month, or maybe it will be better and only last the week. i can never tell anymore, mostly because it hits more often, and randomly when i least expect it.
there are days where she is the only thing on my mind. and who can i tell? who would understand? besides my mom, who refuses to open up enough to talk. everyone can relate. but it's not the same, they aren't feeling these feelings for her. they can relate, but they can't feel the understanding of the bond. of the happiness maria brought to life.
i thank her everyday for unwilling forcing me to be a better person, i just wish that it was in a different way, and she was here to see it.
i want to cry and scream, but what good would that do?
i don't even think it would make me feel better.
i love you maria.
and i miss you more than i could ever express.
i be seeing you soon, and venting for hours.
i know you'll listen for hours, like you always have.
there are days when even the thought of being in school makes my stomach churn.i can never park in lot 4 again, the memories there overwhelm me, it becomes to much to handle. funny thing has always been i handle way too much in my mind than i should, but i can't even bare to attempt to handle anything close to that, close to her.
I can sometimes see the pain in my mom's eyes when we have lunch or when she picks me up from school. we haven't been to iwing since, i don't think either of us could stand it. and gwing no longer exists so i guess that makes it a tad easier. The front of lot 4 is mostly gone now, it's a grassy area, which is neither better or worse. i wish mom would talk about it more, or at all. i know she thinks about her everyday, and i know it's going to get worse with the anniversary coming up. it's going to be just as painful as the day she called me. i'll still feel the shooting pain through my heart, no irony intended. i'll still completely shut down. maybe for the month, or maybe it will be better and only last the week. i can never tell anymore, mostly because it hits more often, and randomly when i least expect it.
there are days where she is the only thing on my mind. and who can i tell? who would understand? besides my mom, who refuses to open up enough to talk. everyone can relate. but it's not the same, they aren't feeling these feelings for her. they can relate, but they can't feel the understanding of the bond. of the happiness maria brought to life.
i thank her everyday for unwilling forcing me to be a better person, i just wish that it was in a different way, and she was here to see it.
i want to cry and scream, but what good would that do?
i don't even think it would make me feel better.
i love you maria.
and i miss you more than i could ever express.
i be seeing you soon, and venting for hours.
i know you'll listen for hours, like you always have.