When the dark fires burn
I'm currently finding it really difficult to finish reading my Book on Female Dominance (rituals and practices) by Claudia Varrin, it's not the subject matter or the facts, writing style or anything else. In fact I really like everything about the book. Her style, stories, tips, facts and exploration of the purple shadow worlds is exciting and captivating. It's just the more I learn and explore, the more amuze and intrigued I become, which brings about mixed feelings. I'm excited and captivated by what I learn and read. But it also brings about a disapointment in the fact that my explorations and excitement will be limited to what I read about. It's just a reminder of my willingness and want for a playmate.
So I wind up feeling fustrated and sometimes down on myself or my situation, perhaps it's loneliness, longing or maybe I'm just a dirty old woman who wants some tail. Kidding. But It really does have a surprisingly downing effect on my over all mood. Take for example how now at work I'm sitting with Jamie and Steve, ignoring/shutting myself away from the latter to the point of forcing them to get up, grab some paper and start drawing.
It's like the excitement I feel, excitement not being the best choice of words, but I haven't slept much either so bear with it, I feel it building to the point of being tickled pink and giddy only to have the reality of my situation hit home. It brings me down to a point where I just plain withdraw entirely, and start to post.
For all the mental sanity all these blogs and outlets give me, I feel they provide a darker side where I've stoped risking the rejection I felt by bringing my problems forth to my friend. A support network that's frankly lacking these days. That's not jab or a put down on any of them, it's just the closeness is gone, I never see anyone and the close confiding bonds have mostly been shattered. I still love everyone, but i guess I can't really explain it. Perhaps i'm tired of the disapointment or rejection that often comes form investing in people, getting to close or leaning on them for suport. Opening up to them and leaving a golden path right to your weak spots. It's easier to stay detacthed I guess, and use writing as an outlet and confid in no one, that way even if they do read it your not faced with their judgements. Not that most of my friends have those, I guess this is all coming out wrong no matter how carefull I'm trying to be.
Point is, a blog is easy, opening up to people leads to dependance and need for them which can be betrayed or worst leaves you open for ridicule. This doesn't, so as my close bonds in which I use to thrive die off, I shelter myself from forming new ones by blogging instead of investing or opening up. Heck, Steve's right here, I could be talking to him, socialising in some way or turning to a human for support. Instead I choose the cold plastic and tubular maze of the internet, and type out my emotions and thoughts into nothingness. Voiceing them, realising them, but into nothing. Resolving nothing, but still moving forward.
I'm beggining to think these things have become a crutch.
Steves talking to me now, maybe I'll try being social.
So I wind up feeling fustrated and sometimes down on myself or my situation, perhaps it's loneliness, longing or maybe I'm just a dirty old woman who wants some tail. Kidding. But It really does have a surprisingly downing effect on my over all mood. Take for example how now at work I'm sitting with Jamie and Steve, ignoring/shutting myself away from the latter to the point of forcing them to get up, grab some paper and start drawing.
It's like the excitement I feel, excitement not being the best choice of words, but I haven't slept much either so bear with it, I feel it building to the point of being tickled pink and giddy only to have the reality of my situation hit home. It brings me down to a point where I just plain withdraw entirely, and start to post.
For all the mental sanity all these blogs and outlets give me, I feel they provide a darker side where I've stoped risking the rejection I felt by bringing my problems forth to my friend. A support network that's frankly lacking these days. That's not jab or a put down on any of them, it's just the closeness is gone, I never see anyone and the close confiding bonds have mostly been shattered. I still love everyone, but i guess I can't really explain it. Perhaps i'm tired of the disapointment or rejection that often comes form investing in people, getting to close or leaning on them for suport. Opening up to them and leaving a golden path right to your weak spots. It's easier to stay detacthed I guess, and use writing as an outlet and confid in no one, that way even if they do read it your not faced with their judgements. Not that most of my friends have those, I guess this is all coming out wrong no matter how carefull I'm trying to be.
Point is, a blog is easy, opening up to people leads to dependance and need for them which can be betrayed or worst leaves you open for ridicule. This doesn't, so as my close bonds in which I use to thrive die off, I shelter myself from forming new ones by blogging instead of investing or opening up. Heck, Steve's right here, I could be talking to him, socialising in some way or turning to a human for support. Instead I choose the cold plastic and tubular maze of the internet, and type out my emotions and thoughts into nothingness. Voiceing them, realising them, but into nothing. Resolving nothing, but still moving forward.
I'm beggining to think these things have become a crutch.
Steves talking to me now, maybe I'll try being social.