(no subject)
Sometimes, it's almost better to not open up to people and be an uncloseted person. For those people who know me well, or even at all, they know that I'm an unusually public person, not much is kept quiet, and I usually go through things with somewhat of a smile on my face. But honestly, when people know all your little passions and hopes and dreams and feelings and what hurts the most, it really fucking sucks (there is no more articulate way to say it) when they use it against you. When they know exactly what to say to make you grin and beam with delight, and exactly what to say to make you retreat from the world, and feel this awful pain inside of you.
My sister, by virtue of knowing me for her entire life and having a fairly good relationship with her, knows practically everything about me. She and I are pretty open to each other, but she is a very selfish person. She is thirteen, so I guess this is explicable. But still, she can have these fits of anger, sadism, whatever, and she knows exactly what to do to make me very upset.
For the first time in my entire life, I'm going to be performing a song (I Could Have Danced All Night from My Fair Lady), alone, in front of an audience this weekend. She knows that I have this awesome and indescribable feeling from being onstage, feeling the lights and the eyes and the make up, and the costume and everything. She knows that this means a lot to me.
Therefore, today, with a grin, comes up to me and says, "You know what mom and dad said about you? They said they were worried about you cause you think you can actually sing. They're worried you're going to screw up your recital."
This, unfortunately, sounds like something my parents would say. My parents are the least supportive people when it comes to performing. They think I waste my time with playing oboe, singing, dancing, acting, whatever. My mom has played the same instrument as me for over 30 years. When I screwed up last time I played for an audience and got into the car crying, she berated me and told me that it was bad for me to be putting this kind of stress on myself, and that I should be more focused on school because maybe I had no natural musical talent anyways. I hate that. I hate how I have to be entirely self motivated for anything performance related. They all complain about seeing me perform, they hate it, and I don't know if my sister was just making that up or not. And it is really bothering me.
I hate how they can't see that I have passion for what I do and performing is one of the only things I do for the pure joy of it, instead of some ulterior motive. I don't care if colleges don't really appreciate that, I don't care what anyone thinks of it, I just do it cause it makes me happy. And I have no excess of happiness right now.
I would go insane if it weren't for playing oboe. If I didn't take orchestra, I would quite simply shrivel up and die away. It's a daily reminder that there is some form of beauty in the world, the spectacular power humans have, it's relaxing. I do it for me!
Fucking people. I want to be a turtle in its shell. I just want to retreat and not have to deal with them.
Edit: It turns out they didn't say that. But they have decided because I'm too stressed I can't sing in the recital. So now it's up to me to call up Dora and cancel. And I broke my braces. My two front brackets can slide around. It's amusing, but very very scary. I just don't want them to glue them back on, right before I get my braces off! Then I'll have cement on my two front teeth forever. And also, what if my teeth revert. Then I won't be able to get them off. My life would officially be over.
My sister, by virtue of knowing me for her entire life and having a fairly good relationship with her, knows practically everything about me. She and I are pretty open to each other, but she is a very selfish person. She is thirteen, so I guess this is explicable. But still, she can have these fits of anger, sadism, whatever, and she knows exactly what to do to make me very upset.
For the first time in my entire life, I'm going to be performing a song (I Could Have Danced All Night from My Fair Lady), alone, in front of an audience this weekend. She knows that I have this awesome and indescribable feeling from being onstage, feeling the lights and the eyes and the make up, and the costume and everything. She knows that this means a lot to me.
Therefore, today, with a grin, comes up to me and says, "You know what mom and dad said about you? They said they were worried about you cause you think you can actually sing. They're worried you're going to screw up your recital."
This, unfortunately, sounds like something my parents would say. My parents are the least supportive people when it comes to performing. They think I waste my time with playing oboe, singing, dancing, acting, whatever. My mom has played the same instrument as me for over 30 years. When I screwed up last time I played for an audience and got into the car crying, she berated me and told me that it was bad for me to be putting this kind of stress on myself, and that I should be more focused on school because maybe I had no natural musical talent anyways. I hate that. I hate how I have to be entirely self motivated for anything performance related. They all complain about seeing me perform, they hate it, and I don't know if my sister was just making that up or not. And it is really bothering me.
I hate how they can't see that I have passion for what I do and performing is one of the only things I do for the pure joy of it, instead of some ulterior motive. I don't care if colleges don't really appreciate that, I don't care what anyone thinks of it, I just do it cause it makes me happy. And I have no excess of happiness right now.
I would go insane if it weren't for playing oboe. If I didn't take orchestra, I would quite simply shrivel up and die away. It's a daily reminder that there is some form of beauty in the world, the spectacular power humans have, it's relaxing. I do it for me!
Fucking people. I want to be a turtle in its shell. I just want to retreat and not have to deal with them.
Edit: It turns out they didn't say that. But they have decided because I'm too stressed I can't sing in the recital. So now it's up to me to call up Dora and cancel. And I broke my braces. My two front brackets can slide around. It's amusing, but very very scary. I just don't want them to glue them back on, right before I get my braces off! Then I'll have cement on my two front teeth forever. And also, what if my teeth revert. Then I won't be able to get them off. My life would officially be over.