The Art of Not Dating 7
Jared was in the kitchen eating Gruyere fondue with apple slices as a fork. He was watching the front door and Tom’s back, waiting for an explosion. “Jay!” said Mike excitedly as he came over.
“I brought Jensen. He and Tom and hugging on your front lawn. You could have given me the heads up.”
“Dude, I didn’t want you exploiting the situation.”
Jared thought and then said, “I so would have.”
“And Tommy and him haven’t spoken in a long time so it might not have worked to your advantage. This way you were two guys had a fresh start. And it’s working out, right? The whole ‘not-dating-but-dating-but-not’ thing you got going.”
“Actually today is a pretend date. I need to get rid of David. And also you could have warned me that the guy I’m trying to ditch by using a pretend boyfriend is *in fact* said pretend boyfriend’s ex.”
“Yeah, that might have been useful,” agreed Mike. “Look, he’s here now, he’ll probably have a good time. But,” said Mike and now he sounded, as he so rarely did, serious, “I hope you made up a code to leave because he might get seriously overwhelmed. He hasn’t seen a lot of people. He’s mostly just spoken to Chris.”
“We have a code.”
“Good, then relax. Just enjoy yourself. It’s a barbeque.” He handed Jared a beer. “It’ll be fun.”
Jensen came in and there was a clamor. Chris shouted, “Motherfucker, boy!” and promptly jumped to Jensen who caught him in a hug. It was weird to realize that all of the friends Jared had made through Mike were Jensen’s friends. That all of the stupid crazy friends he’d wanted to introduce Jensen to were actually Jensen’s stupid crazy friends.
Jason grabbed a red Solo cup and filled it from a pitcher on the table. “Voûte de Lumière Tombée,” He said handing it to Jensen who laughed.
“You still make my drink?”
“Make it? We still keep the recipe secret. It’s guarded.”
Jared knew this to be true when he had asked for it everyone had instantly clamed up and Chris had said, “The inventor has asked that only he may pass on the secret; I’m sorry, grasshopper, I cannot teach you.”
Jensen saw Jared watching him and smiled at him. Jared saw it, the realness, saw the relaxation. Jensen looked easily five years younger as he laughed at something Chris said. He cocked his head at Jared and raised an eyebrow. Taking the hint Jared crossed the room and as he saw him Chris laughed, “So the secret is out then?”
“You know, you really could have warned me.” Jensen sounded grumpy.
“Whatever, fucker, suck it up. What are you doing here anyway?”
“We’re on a mission.” Turning to Jared he asked, “Where is he?”
“The backyard, I saw him when I was letting the dogs loose.”
“Go start talking to someone in the yard where he can see you. I will be there in a few minutes. If he comes over to hit on you, do not abort the mission just make sure his back is to the house. If said situation occurs and he flirts just be awkwardly uncomfortable don’t say that your boyfriend is here.”
“You two are dating?” Chris interjected.
Jensen held up a silencing finger, “Mission, Christian, do not question during briefing. Jared, do you have any questions on your assignment?”
“No.”
“Good, go, I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
It was a great, hot Texas day and the humidity wasn’t bad. The dogs regrouped on him as soon as he walked out and he stroked them both and said, “Go on. Go play with your friends.” Chad’s dogs Nutclopse, Joe, Charlie, Tumtum, Annie, and Axel were running around with Tom’s dog Cook while David’s dogs Fritz and Bertha were both in the pool. It was good that the yard was so damn big and fenced in. Relaxing Jared swigged from his beer and saw Dave actually making a bee line towards him. Careful to position himself so that Dave would be forced to have his back to the house Jared waited. He acted as though the hand on his shoulder was a surprise and he turned with a polite smile.
“Dave, hey, I was just looking at your dogs.”
“Before you got out here Sadie and Bertha were playing together. But Bertha’s getting a bit old for chasing games.”
They spoke about their dogs (David’s enthusiasm over the topic was fake, they were for dating), and the good weather for a few minutes and Jared finally saw Jensen coming towards him. Jensen completely ignored Dave and instead said, “Babe, you have to try these things. They're like miniature Philly cheese steak sandwiches, they're delicious!” He held out the tiny sandwich for Jared to take a bite then popped the other half into his own mouth. Reaching down he casually took Jared’s hand then smiling he said, “Sorry, didn’t mean to inter-” he broke himself off as he turned to see Dave and then quickly dropped Jared’s hand. “David, hey. Wow, good to see you.”
The silence was awkward and terse and Jared said, “You guys know each other?”
“Yeah,” said David. “We dated a while back. It’s nice to see you too, Jen.” His voice was too calm, too even. “Everyone said you weren’t really hanging out yet.”
“Jared wanted me to meet all his friends. It’s just turns out I already know you all.”
“Ironic,” agreed Dave. “Sadly though, I can’t stay for this one. I have tee off in an hour.”
“Bummer,” said Jensen emphatically.
“I would miss it but it’s with work people.”
“No,” agreed Jensen, “maybe at the next barbeque we can catch up.”
“Yeah, totally.” From David’s tone Jared could tell that he didn’t plan on coming to the next barbeque. David whistled to his dogs who came running and left quickly.
Coming over Chris said, “Dude, mean.” Jensen shrugged. “I get wanting to win the break up. But you’re lying to do so.”
Retaking Jared’s hand Jensen sighed, “Not really.”
“You see,” said Jared, “we’re actually -secretly- dating. The whole not dating is just cover to make Jensen comfortable because the last guy he dated was this really handsome dude who didn’t like kids and isn’t very nice to his own dogs. But, I mean, neither of us would ever go on a not date with someone else because we’re exclusively not dating one another. We had to cover in front of Dave because he needed to know that Jen has won the break up and that he has to stop hitting on me. We won.”
“He prefers cats to dog,” Jensen added.
“Will you teach me to make Voûte de Lumière Tombée?” asked Jared.
“Will you ever give out the recipe?” Jensen responded.
“Only to save my own or someone else’s life, and I mean literally life and death,” he replied.
“Fair enough,” said Jensen, “let’s go make a new pitcher.” He kept a hold of Jared’s hand as they went towards the house. In the kitchen he grabbed one of the empty pitchers from the side and rinsed it out in the sink. “The thing to remember is that these things are deadly. You can’t have more than two if you want to drive home three hours after imbibing.”
“Yeah, Tom said that the first time I tried it.”
“Right, so,” Jensen went to the table covered in liquor and mixers, “it’s two parts tequila, two parts raspberry vodka, two parts coconut rum, two parts triple sec, two parts peach schnapps. That’s ten parts of alcohol. Then three parts orange juice, two parts cranberry juice, one part diet raspberry ginger ale, one part diet Goya Brand fruit punch soda, one part diet Sprite, one part lemon juice, one part lime juice. So it’s half pure alcohol. But add in ice and it’s candy.”
“Diet Goya Brand fruit punch soda? How did you get so particular?”
“It was what we had at the party where it was born.” Jensen stirred in the ice and poured out two glasses. “Cheers, this is my second so I’m going to need to stop.”
Steve came in and smiled slowly. Turning to Jared he said, “Bro, I just smoked this crazy shit and I’m like hallucinating that my best friend is here… y’know other than Chris. But like, Jen’s the shit, yo.”
Jensen wrapped an arm around Steve’s shoulder, “Boy, how many times I gotta tell you to lay off that shit?”
“Dude,” Steve said, still addressing Jared. “Now my hallucination is touching me.”
Training Steve’s face to his own Jensen said, “The pot is melting your brain. You’re not nineteen anymore. I’m here, really.”
“Astrally?”
“No, physically. I’m here. Let’s get you some air.”
“Dude?” he asked Jared, “Can you see Jen?”
“I brought him.”
As Jared spoke Steve kissed Jensen full on the mouth and said, “Yeah boy! Come have a cigarette with me.” Jensen nodded and allowed himself to be pulled towards the door.
“You smoke?” Jared called after him.
Forcing Steve to stop Jensen replied, “At parties. Does it bother you?”
“No, I just didn’t expect it.”
“I quit before Jamie was born. Tricia and I did it together. You sure you don’t mind?” Steve was still tugging on him, too stoned to realize the conversation was going on.
“No, go.” Jared saluted him with his drink.
~~~
part 8
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