Not what I thought you were...
So I've spent the last few days obsessing over this drawing. I mean seriously, from the moment I get home from class to 3 or 4 or 5 in the morning... It's a picture of Dalia, the character who's me in every possible way, obstinant, stuborn, willing to take a beating for what she believes in, strong, and fragile all at once... She falls in love with a man who seems to be perfect in every way. But as it turns out, he is one of the most wicked characters in the entirety of the book. ...
In the drawing he has her pinned to the cinder block wall, his hand at her throat, her right hand trying vainly to push him back, her left hand pinned behind her. He's looking at her with this sick lustful smirk. She for the first time is stripped of her dignity, and you can see the fear in her eyes as tears steak down her cheeks. In the background you can see another cinderblock wall covered in razor wire, and an iron gate that leads to the outside of the compound. The earth is this dead shade of greeny brown and the sky is the color of blood. The straps of her shirt have been pulled off of her shoulders and there is a cut on her cheek, with his thumb smearing the blood...
I didn't understand why I had to draw this until tonight. I didn't understand why all along the scene was so very important... not til I finished coloring his face... and then I saw it... he wasn't a he at all... he was a them... He had matt's face...but not just matt's face, but two more faces...and so many characteristics of the real monsters in my own life.... Even his name... Edward Thomas Langly... one name for each of my nightmares... one connection per name, all my demons laid out into a neat little package... my real monsters taking hold of me have become my imaginary monsters taking hold of my imaginary self
And then... I asked myself... if my imaginary monsters, are about to abuse and rape my imaginary self... why then do I love it so much? Because I know what happens next... He'll force her down to the lowest she's ever been, and then She's going to be rescued, and he's going to get what's coming to him. Then, she is going to get back up, and she's going to keep going, and she's going to fulfil what I regard to be a beautiful purpose as a direct result of all the terrible things in her life...
So I was thinking that I'm fulfilling my purpose as a direct result of all the things in my life, because all of them are shaping and moving me to be who and where I need to be
Funny how what started as a few scribbles on paper have become so much more...