Here's to someday...
The messure of man is taken when they are tested... today I am being tested...I would like to think that I only failed for a little while... I would like to think that I failed for a reason...I'm learning a lot today... Its just too bad that I have to learn all my lessons the hard way... wait, no... no its not... if I have to learn my lessons the hard way... then I'll do it the hard way... I wanted to know that I could stand all by myself with God in my heart, and now I do. I wanted to know to what degree I could forgive, and now I do. I wanted to know how deep my love really went... and now I do. I wanted to know that I could be better than my addicions, and now I have proof... I wanted to prove that I was better than my anger, and I found out that I have long, long way to go, but I'm learning how to let it go. I know that I don't have to be afraid anymore... not that I won't be... but that no matter what happens, it happens for the best. I would like to believe that I don't have to be someone I don't want to be, I believe that I am who I choose to be. I'm not perfect... I'm never going to be perfect... no one is ever going to be perfect... but that doesn't mean I have to stop trying... I said a lot of things I shouldn't have... maybe next time when I'm tested I won't fail... Next time... maybe I can learn from now... and maybe one day I can be someone that I can be proud of... maybe one day I can be the person that God wants me to be... and this doesn't have anything to do with her ... but.... maybe... just maybe one day I can be a big enough person to forgive my mother... because she is the ONLY person that I've never had the strength to forgive. Maybe one day I'll have the strength to forgive without question, the strength not to judge.
God I want so badly to be better than this. Today... Today I feel the emptiness where something precious once was, and now isn't. That doesn't mean that its no longer precious... it just means... that today... I'm not afraid... because I know Who's holding me in His hands.