Accepting Life on Life's Terms
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today."
This is a foundational thought for all Twelve-Step programs. And it works for me whenever I have the courage to recite the longer passage from which this sentence is drawn. The passage goes on to say that serenity can only be achieved when that "person, place, thing, or situation" that is troubling you is accepted as "being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment."
Yes, yes. But my problem is, as it is with all Alanon(ic) people--those of us who were significantly shaped by a loved one's addiction/alcoholism--that I think, "But because I see how good they can be as human beings, how rich in mirth or talent they truly are, I should probably help them see it for themselves or at least wait around for them to become the great person hidden beneath the unhappiness."
The core of my unhappiness has sprung from the failure to accept that those whom I love would rather continue in self-destructive patterns: they don't want to get help with their self-defeating behavior.
The majority of my family are not addicts, and I'm mostly referring to the non-addicts, that is, even if they're not hooked on drugs, their reactionary way of coping with life and their staying in a state of unhappiness when they could choose a path to greater health and spirituality frustrates me. I am not much better because I too have addictive tendencies and resort to an arsenal of self-sabotaging behavior, but I am getting help. I want to do something rather than remain passive.
I would like to change this specific Alanonic trait, that of trying to change people who don't want to change or to wait around for them to change. This tendency has forced me to silence myself and to modify my behavior in several ways--and this largely means holding a lot in and to silence reasonable objections to someone's behavior. This, in the end, has led to depression and to experiencing feelings of low self-worth.
I think I want greater portions of health and self-love. I think I want to choose me and put on a life jacket and swim to shore, even as the ship slowly sinks. Though those I love are on that ship---and I badly want to go back to sink with them because it's all I've ever known---I don't think I can go back, not anymore. Letting go of these beautiful, tragic people is not easy...but if I don't, what will happen to my life and the legacy I want to leave behind? I will grow older, fully invested in everyone's cycles of unhappiness and pain, while I slowly let my gifts and talents dwindle, as I obsess over saving my family. I'm not sure they want to be saved. And I have some character-defects I need to work on, which I can't if I'm constantly focused on fixing others.
Maybe I can only save myself at this point. I know God will help me find a way to love myself and help those who want or need the help. But as I have learned in Program, I have to give everyone the dignity to choose the life they want, but conversely, I don't have to stick around if what they're choosing is destructive, bitter, passive, and obstinate in remaining in a state of defeatism.
So, I'm figuring out what love is...I don't know how to love without making myself small and unobtrusive (though I'm physically large and have an authoritative air). I tend to feel guilty whenever I bring things up.
I had more to write about. More, soon.
This is a foundational thought for all Twelve-Step programs. And it works for me whenever I have the courage to recite the longer passage from which this sentence is drawn. The passage goes on to say that serenity can only be achieved when that "person, place, thing, or situation" that is troubling you is accepted as "being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment."
Yes, yes. But my problem is, as it is with all Alanon(ic) people--those of us who were significantly shaped by a loved one's addiction/alcoholism--that I think, "But because I see how good they can be as human beings, how rich in mirth or talent they truly are, I should probably help them see it for themselves or at least wait around for them to become the great person hidden beneath the unhappiness."
The core of my unhappiness has sprung from the failure to accept that those whom I love would rather continue in self-destructive patterns: they don't want to get help with their self-defeating behavior.
The majority of my family are not addicts, and I'm mostly referring to the non-addicts, that is, even if they're not hooked on drugs, their reactionary way of coping with life and their staying in a state of unhappiness when they could choose a path to greater health and spirituality frustrates me. I am not much better because I too have addictive tendencies and resort to an arsenal of self-sabotaging behavior, but I am getting help. I want to do something rather than remain passive.
I would like to change this specific Alanonic trait, that of trying to change people who don't want to change or to wait around for them to change. This tendency has forced me to silence myself and to modify my behavior in several ways--and this largely means holding a lot in and to silence reasonable objections to someone's behavior. This, in the end, has led to depression and to experiencing feelings of low self-worth.
I think I want greater portions of health and self-love. I think I want to choose me and put on a life jacket and swim to shore, even as the ship slowly sinks. Though those I love are on that ship---and I badly want to go back to sink with them because it's all I've ever known---I don't think I can go back, not anymore. Letting go of these beautiful, tragic people is not easy...but if I don't, what will happen to my life and the legacy I want to leave behind? I will grow older, fully invested in everyone's cycles of unhappiness and pain, while I slowly let my gifts and talents dwindle, as I obsess over saving my family. I'm not sure they want to be saved. And I have some character-defects I need to work on, which I can't if I'm constantly focused on fixing others.
Maybe I can only save myself at this point. I know God will help me find a way to love myself and help those who want or need the help. But as I have learned in Program, I have to give everyone the dignity to choose the life they want, but conversely, I don't have to stick around if what they're choosing is destructive, bitter, passive, and obstinate in remaining in a state of defeatism.
So, I'm figuring out what love is...I don't know how to love without making myself small and unobtrusive (though I'm physically large and have an authoritative air). I tend to feel guilty whenever I bring things up.
I had more to write about. More, soon.