What remains of love? Ruin or Monument?
Spring weather in the midwest almost makes the midwestern Winter worth it. Almost. It is nice, though. Tree leaves are pure green, multi-colored flowers are bright and aromatic, and the sun shines brilliantly everywhere, bathing everything in its golden light.
I am moving out of my house and into an apartment on May 30th. I've started to pack all my books, which are numerous! It's both exciting and poignant to see the empty bookshelves. They signify change: I don't like change. But the nice weather and the fact that I am able to take care of myself make me feel hopeful.
My girlfriend and I broke up. The pain and the frustration associated with the breakup has subsided. (But what remains?)
I have been attending Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon is a 12-Step program for the loved ones of alcoholics and addicts. I was actually going to meetings regularly in southern California but stopped attending since moving to Indiana four years ago. 12-Step programs have a prayer designated "The Acceptance Prayer." It begins: "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is at this moment."
The Acceptance prayer has been so helpful during this past few weeks. Although both she and I verbalized that we loved one another, it became clear that she did not want to move past a difficult moment we had prior to the official breakup. Out of respect for our former relationship, all I'll say is that we were in a period of limbo for about two weeks and during that time, she treated me coldly and shut me out completely out of her life. After giving her some time, I called her up to communicate how I felt about that and she refused to have a conversation about it. And that was the end.
I am not sure what I did wrong, especially since I had communicated that I wanted to be friends or at least that we should remain on friendly terms. This was breeding resentments in me: I did not deserve to be treated in such a dismissive manner. I showed her compassion and understanding whenever she had a bad moment. It was astonishing, shocking even, to be treated so coldly. I guess I always figured that the compassion that I had deposited into our Relationship Treasury would translate to a kind regard for myself, no matter the circumstance.
I've already written more than I intended. In any case, The Acceptance Prayer helped me to accept that although I did not deserve her cool treatment, this is who she is at present and that I cannot control her emotions or her mind. This is who she is, and she was unable to give me what I needed in terms of being able to say my peace. I kept repeating the prayer whenever the questions and the anger would build up, and after a few days, the anger and sadness started to recede.
(But what remains?...)
I went to lunch with a younger lady that I have liked and have been attracted to, even before meeting my ex-girlfriend. It was a great lunch. She asked me about the breakup and I provided her with an abbreviated version of the story. She was very understanding and gave me some encouragement. She has lively eyes, alert and wise, with a dash of girlishness. And she has threads of silver grey hair, as do I.
I don't know where this will go. I know I am not ready to date just yet. But it was nice sharing a meal with an attractive woman who smiles at me and demonstrates compassion for my recent troubles. After we left the campus eatery, we walked toward the library and stood at this fork in the road (how symbolic, huh?). We both awkwardly turned away from each other and said, "Alright, then, good lunch. Talk to you later." I don't know why we acted so funny.
It was nice hanging out with her. More than anything, it made me realize that at some future point, I will be able to date different women and to enjoy being with them, and, eventually, I will get into a relationship again. And love again too.
So, the pain and frustration have subsided, as has my love for my ex. Or...I don't know. I'm confused because I had been fine without her for the last week or so. I've been praying for her and releasing her from my heart. It's been odd to get over someone without using bitterness or hatred to do so. I've even been having positive feelings toward her, manifesting in a generalized goodwill for her.
But I am confused because of how I felt after a nap I took yesterday afternoon. It had been a good day. I woke up from my nap, when all of a sudden, I felt a quiet surge of love for her. No pain, no anger, just a fondness and a want--not a need--for her. I sat up, perplexed.
Because she is volatile and impulsive---I think she makes decisions that she later regrets but which she tenaciously adheres to because of pride--I have sometimes made excuses for her and have tried to anticipate her possible actions, to the detriment of what I want or what I should be doing. And I realize now that she operates at intensities--extreme anger and feeling hurt, overwhelming joy and laughter, passion, or melancholia. There was never a stability to her personality, a middle-of-the-road posture.
I know with a certainty in my heart that, now that the dust has settled and we have gone our separate ways, that she will encounter situations with loved ones, friends, and colleagues, and the dynamic at play in our relationship will become replicated, and she will see that of all the people that are in her life, none will have the extent of my compassion and understanding for her. It's funny, she always assumed that I loved her because she was so accomplished and because she tried "to be perfect" in multiple areas. I always wanted to chuckle because I never thought she was perfect. On the contrary, I saw her flaws all too clearly and I loved her in spite of them, knowing that in time with enough love and compassion, they would resolve themselves, just like my character defects would as well.
And I thought we had a lifetime to love each other and thereby help each other become better people all around.
I guess this was the source of frustration: that I saw her all too clearly and had become intimately familiar with her psyche and her ways of dealing with problems: I knew how to help her. Sometimes, and this does make me very sad, I think that deep inside, she has an unconscious belief that she is unworthy of love or happiness and so she must create situations that enable her to find "irresolvable" complexities that require drastic actions. Her history proves this all too well. I can identify with that feeling of not deserving a fulfilling love. It's why I've made such bad choices in my previous relationships. Thank God I returned to God, for His love has begun to undo the self-loathing, replacing it with more self-love, which has in turn generated better choices.
Oh well. Even though I believe all this to be true, I can't fix it or convince her or lose my dignity. And that is an important lesson I've learned through all this--that my dignity must remain, always. I can love without rescuing; nurture and care for my beloved without losing myself.
Ahhh, gosh, but I do wish she would have reflected a lot more on the long-term effects of her choices. Alas, she was always afraid of the future, and this anxiety about the future manifested itself in her attempts to control the present which included my responses, actions, and attitudes. I can't say I was always given the liberty to have my responses without feeling fear that they would displease her. I made mistakes and I took responsibility for them. But except for a brief period, I didn't stop believing that everything could be worked out. And that is also another source of frustration: that we loved each other to the end and, for all I know, she may love me still. I know that I certainly felt that surge of love for her yesterday. (I have been trying to decipher what it means. I mean, I know love doesn't fade overnight but does it remain without bitterness and rancor? That's what's confusing to me.)
The Summer is almost here. There is a part of me that wishes she would reflect on her actions and reach out to me to see if we can work this out before..well, before the flame goes out entirely. It's still brightly lit, though it is not so intense in the sense that my heart is contemplating other women. But I have a feeling it can attain its former ardor if she were to breathe into it..
Gosh, I revealed a lot more than I intended to, but you know what? I feel better. Reflecting through writing always orders my thoughts and feelings and crystallizes nebulous emotions, giving lucidity to my hopes and desires.
If anyone is reading this, thank you. And greetings from the midwest, friend. --South Bend, 1:27AM.
I am moving out of my house and into an apartment on May 30th. I've started to pack all my books, which are numerous! It's both exciting and poignant to see the empty bookshelves. They signify change: I don't like change. But the nice weather and the fact that I am able to take care of myself make me feel hopeful.
My girlfriend and I broke up. The pain and the frustration associated with the breakup has subsided. (But what remains?)
I have been attending Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon is a 12-Step program for the loved ones of alcoholics and addicts. I was actually going to meetings regularly in southern California but stopped attending since moving to Indiana four years ago. 12-Step programs have a prayer designated "The Acceptance Prayer." It begins: "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is at this moment."
The Acceptance prayer has been so helpful during this past few weeks. Although both she and I verbalized that we loved one another, it became clear that she did not want to move past a difficult moment we had prior to the official breakup. Out of respect for our former relationship, all I'll say is that we were in a period of limbo for about two weeks and during that time, she treated me coldly and shut me out completely out of her life. After giving her some time, I called her up to communicate how I felt about that and she refused to have a conversation about it. And that was the end.
I am not sure what I did wrong, especially since I had communicated that I wanted to be friends or at least that we should remain on friendly terms. This was breeding resentments in me: I did not deserve to be treated in such a dismissive manner. I showed her compassion and understanding whenever she had a bad moment. It was astonishing, shocking even, to be treated so coldly. I guess I always figured that the compassion that I had deposited into our Relationship Treasury would translate to a kind regard for myself, no matter the circumstance.
I've already written more than I intended. In any case, The Acceptance Prayer helped me to accept that although I did not deserve her cool treatment, this is who she is at present and that I cannot control her emotions or her mind. This is who she is, and she was unable to give me what I needed in terms of being able to say my peace. I kept repeating the prayer whenever the questions and the anger would build up, and after a few days, the anger and sadness started to recede.
(But what remains?...)
I went to lunch with a younger lady that I have liked and have been attracted to, even before meeting my ex-girlfriend. It was a great lunch. She asked me about the breakup and I provided her with an abbreviated version of the story. She was very understanding and gave me some encouragement. She has lively eyes, alert and wise, with a dash of girlishness. And she has threads of silver grey hair, as do I.
I don't know where this will go. I know I am not ready to date just yet. But it was nice sharing a meal with an attractive woman who smiles at me and demonstrates compassion for my recent troubles. After we left the campus eatery, we walked toward the library and stood at this fork in the road (how symbolic, huh?). We both awkwardly turned away from each other and said, "Alright, then, good lunch. Talk to you later." I don't know why we acted so funny.
It was nice hanging out with her. More than anything, it made me realize that at some future point, I will be able to date different women and to enjoy being with them, and, eventually, I will get into a relationship again. And love again too.
So, the pain and frustration have subsided, as has my love for my ex. Or...I don't know. I'm confused because I had been fine without her for the last week or so. I've been praying for her and releasing her from my heart. It's been odd to get over someone without using bitterness or hatred to do so. I've even been having positive feelings toward her, manifesting in a generalized goodwill for her.
But I am confused because of how I felt after a nap I took yesterday afternoon. It had been a good day. I woke up from my nap, when all of a sudden, I felt a quiet surge of love for her. No pain, no anger, just a fondness and a want--not a need--for her. I sat up, perplexed.
Because she is volatile and impulsive---I think she makes decisions that she later regrets but which she tenaciously adheres to because of pride--I have sometimes made excuses for her and have tried to anticipate her possible actions, to the detriment of what I want or what I should be doing. And I realize now that she operates at intensities--extreme anger and feeling hurt, overwhelming joy and laughter, passion, or melancholia. There was never a stability to her personality, a middle-of-the-road posture.
I know with a certainty in my heart that, now that the dust has settled and we have gone our separate ways, that she will encounter situations with loved ones, friends, and colleagues, and the dynamic at play in our relationship will become replicated, and she will see that of all the people that are in her life, none will have the extent of my compassion and understanding for her. It's funny, she always assumed that I loved her because she was so accomplished and because she tried "to be perfect" in multiple areas. I always wanted to chuckle because I never thought she was perfect. On the contrary, I saw her flaws all too clearly and I loved her in spite of them, knowing that in time with enough love and compassion, they would resolve themselves, just like my character defects would as well.
And I thought we had a lifetime to love each other and thereby help each other become better people all around.
I guess this was the source of frustration: that I saw her all too clearly and had become intimately familiar with her psyche and her ways of dealing with problems: I knew how to help her. Sometimes, and this does make me very sad, I think that deep inside, she has an unconscious belief that she is unworthy of love or happiness and so she must create situations that enable her to find "irresolvable" complexities that require drastic actions. Her history proves this all too well. I can identify with that feeling of not deserving a fulfilling love. It's why I've made such bad choices in my previous relationships. Thank God I returned to God, for His love has begun to undo the self-loathing, replacing it with more self-love, which has in turn generated better choices.
Oh well. Even though I believe all this to be true, I can't fix it or convince her or lose my dignity. And that is an important lesson I've learned through all this--that my dignity must remain, always. I can love without rescuing; nurture and care for my beloved without losing myself.
Ahhh, gosh, but I do wish she would have reflected a lot more on the long-term effects of her choices. Alas, she was always afraid of the future, and this anxiety about the future manifested itself in her attempts to control the present which included my responses, actions, and attitudes. I can't say I was always given the liberty to have my responses without feeling fear that they would displease her. I made mistakes and I took responsibility for them. But except for a brief period, I didn't stop believing that everything could be worked out. And that is also another source of frustration: that we loved each other to the end and, for all I know, she may love me still. I know that I certainly felt that surge of love for her yesterday. (I have been trying to decipher what it means. I mean, I know love doesn't fade overnight but does it remain without bitterness and rancor? That's what's confusing to me.)
The Summer is almost here. There is a part of me that wishes she would reflect on her actions and reach out to me to see if we can work this out before..well, before the flame goes out entirely. It's still brightly lit, though it is not so intense in the sense that my heart is contemplating other women. But I have a feeling it can attain its former ardor if she were to breathe into it..
Gosh, I revealed a lot more than I intended to, but you know what? I feel better. Reflecting through writing always orders my thoughts and feelings and crystallizes nebulous emotions, giving lucidity to my hopes and desires.
If anyone is reading this, thank you. And greetings from the midwest, friend. --South Bend, 1:27AM.