Long Time No See LJ
It's been awhile since I posted anything here. Life becomes so busy that there never seems to be enough time. It's so much easier to just post a quick status on Facebook. But it doesn't always tell the whole story. And if I have time to play virtual farmcafemafiacastle then I have time to post to LJ.
Why is it that I am always misunderstood? I say one thing and so often it seems to be taken another way. I know I'm hard to get to know. I've said a million times that I do not have a filter between my brain and my mouth. I say what I think. Not to be hurtful but. . .it's just who I am. Despite what people think ( and I'm sure they know who they are), I rarely am trying to be hurtful. The only time I try to say hurtful things would be in extreme anger. When I've been pushed too far. If you truly know me, you know that I have a good heart and often too soft a heart. My heart is much more fragile then I believe most people think. Sometimes I put on a hard or cold front to protect myself because I've been hurt too often. But it's easily melted. Sometimes I want to not care so bad that I can't stand it. But I can't stop caring. I would do anything for the people I care about. I get so tired of having it shoved back in my face. Maybe the things I say don't always come out right or the way I mean it. So I put my foot in my mouth quite often. Try to look past that to what I really mean.
No matter what, life eventually lets you know who your real friends are. In the past year or so, I've had a good look are who those people are. It's broken my heart but I've had to move people I've thought were my friends to mere acquaintances, nice coworkers or just nice people I know. I don't like having to do that but I have to have a tiny bit of self preservation. I used to have a wall of protection built around. For years it was like that. I almost never let anyone through. It was not a happy time in my life but I wasn't getting hurt either. But a couple really good friends slowly help me tear down that wall. They made it worth opening myself up to a little hurt. But the pain has gotten worse lately and I just have to put some distance from it. I need to find some balance between protecting myself and opening myself to some wonderful friendships. I haven't been doing that very well. I've closed out a couple of good friends that I really don't want to lose. And yet I've felt some of the same from those same people. So how do I proceed? I'm afraid to make a move just to be shut down. But I don't want to lose them either.
And then I wonder if anyone will even read this. Does anyone even give a shit about my whiny mutterings? I'm I just indulging in self pity? But you know what? I don't care. I think I did this more for me then anything else.
And for all those people (you know who you are) that feel the need to complain to others that I am being rude or bragging or whatever the fuck you think I'm doing. Grow up and tell me to my face!
Why is it that I am always misunderstood? I say one thing and so often it seems to be taken another way. I know I'm hard to get to know. I've said a million times that I do not have a filter between my brain and my mouth. I say what I think. Not to be hurtful but. . .it's just who I am. Despite what people think ( and I'm sure they know who they are), I rarely am trying to be hurtful. The only time I try to say hurtful things would be in extreme anger. When I've been pushed too far. If you truly know me, you know that I have a good heart and often too soft a heart. My heart is much more fragile then I believe most people think. Sometimes I put on a hard or cold front to protect myself because I've been hurt too often. But it's easily melted. Sometimes I want to not care so bad that I can't stand it. But I can't stop caring. I would do anything for the people I care about. I get so tired of having it shoved back in my face. Maybe the things I say don't always come out right or the way I mean it. So I put my foot in my mouth quite often. Try to look past that to what I really mean.
No matter what, life eventually lets you know who your real friends are. In the past year or so, I've had a good look are who those people are. It's broken my heart but I've had to move people I've thought were my friends to mere acquaintances, nice coworkers or just nice people I know. I don't like having to do that but I have to have a tiny bit of self preservation. I used to have a wall of protection built around. For years it was like that. I almost never let anyone through. It was not a happy time in my life but I wasn't getting hurt either. But a couple really good friends slowly help me tear down that wall. They made it worth opening myself up to a little hurt. But the pain has gotten worse lately and I just have to put some distance from it. I need to find some balance between protecting myself and opening myself to some wonderful friendships. I haven't been doing that very well. I've closed out a couple of good friends that I really don't want to lose. And yet I've felt some of the same from those same people. So how do I proceed? I'm afraid to make a move just to be shut down. But I don't want to lose them either.
And then I wonder if anyone will even read this. Does anyone even give a shit about my whiny mutterings? I'm I just indulging in self pity? But you know what? I don't care. I think I did this more for me then anything else.
And for all those people (you know who you are) that feel the need to complain to others that I am being rude or bragging or whatever the fuck you think I'm doing. Grow up and tell me to my face!