hmmm...
i'm not entirely sure i want to post this publicly or protectedly or anything other than keeping all of this to myself, but emu said this was kind of like a release of pent-up stuff--more for me than for the people reading it. so wheee here we go.
it amuses me that my brother and i seem to go through phases together. we're two years apart--so not the obvious ones, like school transitions and stuff, but more subtle things, like joining clubs and things. this next thing--i'm curious to see how it will play out. it's definitely different.. and yeah, it will be interesting.
i'm also slightly amused by how confuzzled and muddled everything can get. i think what i like about ficpress stories (besides the fact that they're great time wasters and are amusing in their own way) is that they always turn out the same. not in what actually happens, but in that the main character has learned something and has figured stuff out and is, at the very least, content with what they have. i actually don't find the being happy/content part all that difficult. it's easy to see how much good stuff there is in life, and since i'm well past my strange emo days, good stuff = happiness.
the learning and figuring out.. not so much. working everything out with cold, solid logic always seems to work until you come upon a situation with sticky things like.. other people. because even if you can remain aloof and unbiasedly analytical, most other people can't do that. and they shouldn't, in all honesty, because there's more to the world than "what should happen." what can you do though? do you make the best decision for yourself, or for the other person, or some random compromise in between that just barely patches over things?
george told me last night as he was leaving that he was going to try to get on the treadmill, mentioning that the hard part was getting on, not so much the working out afterwards. i think that's quite the fitting representation of my life haha. i'm always rather leery of committing to things, a major, a class, a club, a friend.. the certainty and responsibility of things really bothers me. so when given the choice, i like leaving things ambiguous, kinda like.. getting dressed in workout clothes and sneakers and stretching.. but still waiting for something to finally step on to the treadmill and start running. what that something is, i'm not quite sure. a deadline perhaps is most effective. i really dislike jumping into things not being absolutely sure of what i'm doing, but if some big scary person comes along and says "do it!" i'll just hop on and probably do a decent job at things. but meh, why do it until someone makes me, right?
i both hate and love the idea of people needing me, depending on me. it makes me feel like i have some use, that i have at least some purpose in life, if only it is to make this other person's life just a little easier. and yet, the expectations that come with that are crushing. what if i fail, what will happen then? usually nothing, or nothing permanently damaging. but there's always that fear that's inescapable. so given the choice, i tell myself that it's not worth the trouble. and yet.. i'm drawn to people like that. people who are needy and whiny and want me there all the time and just drive me completely insane, but i never turn away because maybe they really do need me, and i don't want to be the one to let them down.
i think what scares me the most about people who need me is that they also want something in return: they want me to need them too. and as much as i like people and spending time with them and all that.. needing people just seems to go against.. nature, i guess. needing people in general, that's not a problem, but specific people just seems so.. sketchy. at the heart of it, i'm afraid of letting people down, but that pale in comparison to the fear of other people letting me down. it's so much easier to just not need people and thus avoid the feeling altogether.
wheee okay, this is getting incredibly emo and i don't really know where i'm going with this, so i'm just going to stop now. happy friday! (=P few minutes left) and have a lovely weekend =)
it amuses me that my brother and i seem to go through phases together. we're two years apart--so not the obvious ones, like school transitions and stuff, but more subtle things, like joining clubs and things. this next thing--i'm curious to see how it will play out. it's definitely different.. and yeah, it will be interesting.
i'm also slightly amused by how confuzzled and muddled everything can get. i think what i like about ficpress stories (besides the fact that they're great time wasters and are amusing in their own way) is that they always turn out the same. not in what actually happens, but in that the main character has learned something and has figured stuff out and is, at the very least, content with what they have. i actually don't find the being happy/content part all that difficult. it's easy to see how much good stuff there is in life, and since i'm well past my strange emo days, good stuff = happiness.
the learning and figuring out.. not so much. working everything out with cold, solid logic always seems to work until you come upon a situation with sticky things like.. other people. because even if you can remain aloof and unbiasedly analytical, most other people can't do that. and they shouldn't, in all honesty, because there's more to the world than "what should happen." what can you do though? do you make the best decision for yourself, or for the other person, or some random compromise in between that just barely patches over things?
george told me last night as he was leaving that he was going to try to get on the treadmill, mentioning that the hard part was getting on, not so much the working out afterwards. i think that's quite the fitting representation of my life haha. i'm always rather leery of committing to things, a major, a class, a club, a friend.. the certainty and responsibility of things really bothers me. so when given the choice, i like leaving things ambiguous, kinda like.. getting dressed in workout clothes and sneakers and stretching.. but still waiting for something to finally step on to the treadmill and start running. what that something is, i'm not quite sure. a deadline perhaps is most effective. i really dislike jumping into things not being absolutely sure of what i'm doing, but if some big scary person comes along and says "do it!" i'll just hop on and probably do a decent job at things. but meh, why do it until someone makes me, right?
i both hate and love the idea of people needing me, depending on me. it makes me feel like i have some use, that i have at least some purpose in life, if only it is to make this other person's life just a little easier. and yet, the expectations that come with that are crushing. what if i fail, what will happen then? usually nothing, or nothing permanently damaging. but there's always that fear that's inescapable. so given the choice, i tell myself that it's not worth the trouble. and yet.. i'm drawn to people like that. people who are needy and whiny and want me there all the time and just drive me completely insane, but i never turn away because maybe they really do need me, and i don't want to be the one to let them down.
i think what scares me the most about people who need me is that they also want something in return: they want me to need them too. and as much as i like people and spending time with them and all that.. needing people just seems to go against.. nature, i guess. needing people in general, that's not a problem, but specific people just seems so.. sketchy. at the heart of it, i'm afraid of letting people down, but that pale in comparison to the fear of other people letting me down. it's so much easier to just not need people and thus avoid the feeling altogether.
wheee okay, this is getting incredibly emo and i don't really know where i'm going with this, so i'm just going to stop now. happy friday! (=P few minutes left) and have a lovely weekend =)