Collective Memories.
I discovered passages that I've written but never had the courage to post, or had been left forgotten to dust in digital imprints on microsoft word or scrawls on random notes. They're personal, and I decided to tell it how it is, or was.
Over the course of these many years, I've learned a lot of things in life such as: Love, heart-break, the different types of people you meet, your true friends, respect, failure, happiness, misery and most importantly, myself.
These days, I am at my happiest, my highest point of my life, yet at the same time, I feel myself spiraling into my former melancholy self. You may think, how is this possible? Well, when you have everything, you begin to suspect that you have nothing.
I guess, a part of me largely wants to be more expressive about the thoughts and feelings that I have in my heart and mind. I really love Yuki in this respect, since I feel that at times I don't need to explain everything fully to her, and she just simply understands. How I told her about him and how I finally cut him off like what all of my friends had originally advised. I told him to fuck off. To leave me alone. That I didn't want to talk to him anymore, although it wasn't my heart's desires.
===================
Weeks past. Months settled in. Life moves on. And I'm with someone. I'm unmistakenably happy. There are times where it's so perfect, that I'm plagued with paranoia from the horrible memories of previous relationships, and it pains me a great deal. When Matt went through my emails, each and every painstaking one I shared with Andrew, Micky, and Nimeet. Pictures with me snaked around my significant other at the time, terrified me, when he found them. Omg. Sometimes I wonder why he did it. Maybe out of curiousity, I don't know. Soon, I would be having snapshot moments of Andrew. Ugh pains me. Emotionally stabs me. Was such an awful relationship, that I've worked so hard to overcome. Then there were times where I have spurts of memories with Nhan and Micky. Happy and sad. Whenever I think of Matt, I just think about all the awful things that I don't ever want to happen. How, it devestated me about Grace. How I'm still trying to pry my mind off of. ANGERS me. Angers me how she betrayed me, and she couldn't even have the courage to SAY IT TO MY FACE. I had to call her. I had to force the truth out of her. Then she says to me about how miserable and busy her life has been, and hearing how glorious mine was, had angered her, so she spread lies to people about how I flaunted and rubbed it in her face. How I 'stole' him away from her. And it still burns freshly in my mind when people told me that.
All those people that always under appreciated me. That's how I feel, when I devote my time to useless people. But despite all of that, I've learned to count my wrongs. How at times I did wrong Andrew. How I made him cry countless times. How I hurt Micky. And probably hurt Matt one day too.
======================
And I laugh. Laugh at what Jon tells me.
Jon.Tsim says:
julie you go through dudes at a rate that would make hugh hefner green with envy
Jon.Tsim says:
I like to imagine you cutting your way through a crowd, leaving a trail of broken hearts in your wake
Somehow... Only he can make laugh out loud with a clever joke like that. :P
=======================
I'm feeling such an overwhelming wave of nostalgia, I can nearly taste all those glorious moments suspended in air, in memory. Or maybe it's the lingering taste of my Lindor mint chocolate...
How I look back this summer. My trips to Waterloo. Being trapped in Toronto for a good 6 hours, and calling up Mike Liu at 5 in the morning. Laughing in the dark with the girls after a night of heavy drinking and clubbing. The sastifying end of the Potter series. Dancing in the middle of downtown by myself one drunk 3 in the morning. Curled up with Matt in the backseat. Breathing fire from downing a big bowl of kimichi. Squealing over the delicious taste of instant noodles. Finally seeing my grandma overcome breast cancer. Breathing, speaking and finally... smiling.
I look back, and think that I've lead a very sastifying life these past few years. My life hasn't always been perfect. Hasn't always been the best, but if it weren't for all the terrible things in it... There wouldn't be such thing as appreciation right?
When I was younger, I had believe that God would see my sacrifices, my hardships and my rewards for enduring each passing hurdle. I think God. Karma. Whatever divine authority. Or maybe just me. Humanistic me. Has finally overcome the hardest obstacle.
Over the course of these many years, I've learned a lot of things in life such as: Love, heart-break, the different types of people you meet, your true friends, respect, failure, happiness, misery and most importantly, myself.
These days, I am at my happiest, my highest point of my life, yet at the same time, I feel myself spiraling into my former melancholy self. You may think, how is this possible? Well, when you have everything, you begin to suspect that you have nothing.
I guess, a part of me largely wants to be more expressive about the thoughts and feelings that I have in my heart and mind. I really love Yuki in this respect, since I feel that at times I don't need to explain everything fully to her, and she just simply understands. How I told her about him and how I finally cut him off like what all of my friends had originally advised. I told him to fuck off. To leave me alone. That I didn't want to talk to him anymore, although it wasn't my heart's desires.
===================
Weeks past. Months settled in. Life moves on. And I'm with someone. I'm unmistakenably happy. There are times where it's so perfect, that I'm plagued with paranoia from the horrible memories of previous relationships, and it pains me a great deal. When Matt went through my emails, each and every painstaking one I shared with Andrew, Micky, and Nimeet. Pictures with me snaked around my significant other at the time, terrified me, when he found them. Omg. Sometimes I wonder why he did it. Maybe out of curiousity, I don't know. Soon, I would be having snapshot moments of Andrew. Ugh pains me. Emotionally stabs me. Was such an awful relationship, that I've worked so hard to overcome. Then there were times where I have spurts of memories with Nhan and Micky. Happy and sad. Whenever I think of Matt, I just think about all the awful things that I don't ever want to happen. How, it devestated me about Grace. How I'm still trying to pry my mind off of. ANGERS me. Angers me how she betrayed me, and she couldn't even have the courage to SAY IT TO MY FACE. I had to call her. I had to force the truth out of her. Then she says to me about how miserable and busy her life has been, and hearing how glorious mine was, had angered her, so she spread lies to people about how I flaunted and rubbed it in her face. How I 'stole' him away from her. And it still burns freshly in my mind when people told me that.
All those people that always under appreciated me. That's how I feel, when I devote my time to useless people. But despite all of that, I've learned to count my wrongs. How at times I did wrong Andrew. How I made him cry countless times. How I hurt Micky. And probably hurt Matt one day too.
======================
And I laugh. Laugh at what Jon tells me.
Jon.Tsim says:
julie you go through dudes at a rate that would make hugh hefner green with envy
Jon.Tsim says:
I like to imagine you cutting your way through a crowd, leaving a trail of broken hearts in your wake
Somehow... Only he can make laugh out loud with a clever joke like that. :P
=======================
I'm feeling such an overwhelming wave of nostalgia, I can nearly taste all those glorious moments suspended in air, in memory. Or maybe it's the lingering taste of my Lindor mint chocolate...
How I look back this summer. My trips to Waterloo. Being trapped in Toronto for a good 6 hours, and calling up Mike Liu at 5 in the morning. Laughing in the dark with the girls after a night of heavy drinking and clubbing. The sastifying end of the Potter series. Dancing in the middle of downtown by myself one drunk 3 in the morning. Curled up with Matt in the backseat. Breathing fire from downing a big bowl of kimichi. Squealing over the delicious taste of instant noodles. Finally seeing my grandma overcome breast cancer. Breathing, speaking and finally... smiling.
I look back, and think that I've lead a very sastifying life these past few years. My life hasn't always been perfect. Hasn't always been the best, but if it weren't for all the terrible things in it... There wouldn't be such thing as appreciation right?
When I was younger, I had believe that God would see my sacrifices, my hardships and my rewards for enduring each passing hurdle. I think God. Karma. Whatever divine authority. Or maybe just me. Humanistic me. Has finally overcome the hardest obstacle.