Tepid
Things are well enough! I don't know what it was that made me think of it just now, but I've come to realize I really enjoy my life not being depressed anymore. It's one of those things you don't really appreciate once you don't have to deal with it anymore. All the time I wish my stress would go away and I think my life is so awful because I'm always stressed. But things used to be so much worse, and if I could over come that whole bit then I think I can overcome this too.
This summer was supposed to be the first summer I got to enjoy. No more doing badly in school, no more punishments for it, no more control over me, no more depression. I have a job, which I enjoy. Things are all in a really good place for me now, but still I don't feel like the sum of my days this summer would allow me to consider it enjoyable. I think I need to get out with friends more. Today a bunch of friends just showed up, and I was happy they did. I like to be hospitable so long as I don't feel taken advantage of. I made cookies and we all played video games and had fun. No complexities, no confusions, no fights. It was really soothing.
It's funny, a large part of me envies this girl Amber I work with. She works full time. I think I envy that because she has something to occupy her, she makes more money, and has less time to spend money. On days I work I'm happy and feel productive, on days I'm not I feel restless and listless like I should do something. When I get paid I try to save a substantial amount of my paycheck, but then I feel as though I won't have enough money for the 2 weeks until I get paid again. Though I have nothing I NEED to spend money on, yet some how I spend everything I allot myself. And at the same time because of how much I allot myself I don't feel that I am saving and accumulating enough money quickly enough to meet the goals I have set for myself. I think it just goes to my morals of everyone should be a productive member of society and be conservative and responsible with their money.
Sometimes I wish I weren't so beholden to my moral values, but then, they are the sum of who I am as a person. I dream to be that upstanding, moral, righteous, affluent, psychiatrist that people will look up to and respect. I want a nice house in a nice neighborhood. I want to have a garden to muddle around in when I have free time. I want to live my life with no shame, do nothing that I'll regret, and remain disciplined to what I believe is right. I need to stop catering to others as well. Sometimes I let my need to accommodate people compromise my need to hold true to my values.
Ugh I'm so frustrated and I don't know how to make it better and resolve the feelings. It just keeps building and building, bigger and bigger. The more frequently I get stressed the easier it is the be stressed, and the easier it is to be stressed the more frequently it happens. It's a vicious cycle where, if nothing is done to resolve it, I'll come to a breaking point. At that breaking point I'll regress to apathy and then wallow in depression. And once I resign myself to what ever has broken me I won't have the strength to resolve it anymore. So in essence I need to fix my problems and take care of myself, before my anxiety becomes too much for me to handle.
EDIT: For your, and my own, frame of reference I looked back at recent livejournal entries and I can surmise that since March 2nd of this year, I've been very anxious and unhappy, but prior to that I seemed rather happy.
This summer was supposed to be the first summer I got to enjoy. No more doing badly in school, no more punishments for it, no more control over me, no more depression. I have a job, which I enjoy. Things are all in a really good place for me now, but still I don't feel like the sum of my days this summer would allow me to consider it enjoyable. I think I need to get out with friends more. Today a bunch of friends just showed up, and I was happy they did. I like to be hospitable so long as I don't feel taken advantage of. I made cookies and we all played video games and had fun. No complexities, no confusions, no fights. It was really soothing.
It's funny, a large part of me envies this girl Amber I work with. She works full time. I think I envy that because she has something to occupy her, she makes more money, and has less time to spend money. On days I work I'm happy and feel productive, on days I'm not I feel restless and listless like I should do something. When I get paid I try to save a substantial amount of my paycheck, but then I feel as though I won't have enough money for the 2 weeks until I get paid again. Though I have nothing I NEED to spend money on, yet some how I spend everything I allot myself. And at the same time because of how much I allot myself I don't feel that I am saving and accumulating enough money quickly enough to meet the goals I have set for myself. I think it just goes to my morals of everyone should be a productive member of society and be conservative and responsible with their money.
Sometimes I wish I weren't so beholden to my moral values, but then, they are the sum of who I am as a person. I dream to be that upstanding, moral, righteous, affluent, psychiatrist that people will look up to and respect. I want a nice house in a nice neighborhood. I want to have a garden to muddle around in when I have free time. I want to live my life with no shame, do nothing that I'll regret, and remain disciplined to what I believe is right. I need to stop catering to others as well. Sometimes I let my need to accommodate people compromise my need to hold true to my values.
Ugh I'm so frustrated and I don't know how to make it better and resolve the feelings. It just keeps building and building, bigger and bigger. The more frequently I get stressed the easier it is the be stressed, and the easier it is to be stressed the more frequently it happens. It's a vicious cycle where, if nothing is done to resolve it, I'll come to a breaking point. At that breaking point I'll regress to apathy and then wallow in depression. And once I resign myself to what ever has broken me I won't have the strength to resolve it anymore. So in essence I need to fix my problems and take care of myself, before my anxiety becomes too much for me to handle.
EDIT: For your, and my own, frame of reference I looked back at recent livejournal entries and I can surmise that since March 2nd of this year, I've been very anxious and unhappy, but prior to that I seemed rather happy.