"Chan and Jan 4ever"
Today was really hard. Besides being depressed already, I feel completely torn up inside. It hurts so badly. Mom is getting really, really sick again. Like sick to where she can't move and every bit of her body is screaming in intense pain. I love my mom so much, its so hard because there isn't anything I can do for her. She actually got high off painkillers today. Mom was ridiculously funny due to so much vicodan and other stuff, but she was still in pain. Just sitting on the bed watching tv, she'd randomly gasp out because the pain would be so unbearable. Its hard. When I start picking myself back up, emotionally, I look around and get depressed all over again. I just wish my mom wouldn't have so much pain. It'd be better for her to have more numbness versus all this pain. I don't even know how'll she keep working. I wish she didn't have to work anymore. I wish Cash would just take care of her, but mom would never ask for nor accept that kind of help.
If wishes were horses, beggers would ride.
I started seeing this guy, R, but thats going no where. He's ridiculously handsome - puerta rican, clean cut, tongue ring :) but he's a freaking taurus so we clash. He blows me off like a stupid boy, never calls when he says he will - stupid boy things. I was gonna just be friends with benefits with him, but he's even lost that after he said, "You have absolutely nothing to be depressed about." Some people will never understand. I hate people that think you can just "get over it" - well obviously, if I could just will myself to be happy then I would. When I try that, I bottle up any negative feelings/thoughts, push on forward with positive ones - all that results in are major breakdowns usually at the worst times. Last week I had a huge break down at work, had to retreat to the bathroom and cry it out. That was bad. I don't understand. A few weeks ago my phsychiatrist adjusted my meds, but it doesn't seem to be working. Well, it has helped stablize my mood. I was EXTREMELY irritable before she adjusted the meds, but now I'm still experiencing a low-grade depression 24/7. Unless of course something triggers it and makes it worse.
There is another guy prospect... but I'm a little hesistant because he's a bit older than me. Completely attractive, confident, successful, and the works but there is a big age gap. At least ten years older. He's very high spirited and outgoing though. Flirts with me non-stop. I'm just not sure. I like him, but I want a serious relationship. I'm going to want a family after I graduate from college which will be a years from now so I don't. We'll see what happens I suppose. He'd sure treat me better than stupid R. The guy is a man, not a boy and maybe that's why I'm nervous.
Also, the meds are letting me a bit more social. It's opening me up more. I've been hanging out with people every now and then. Being a friend and going out. Cheering up Nelta when her and her fiance broke up. Went out shopping with her and Glania. Had started hanging out with Ryan. It's a small step forward. I can't wait to go back to college and meet more people.
I've been 'rocking the ganj' a bit too much lately lol. Watching Tenacious D - The Pick of Destiny was pretty damn funny while high. It just completely helps me fall asleep and then I'm not exhuasted in the morning. I'm having a terrible time sleeping the last couple of months here so it helps so much. I'm gonna take a long break from it though. I don't want to rely on anything like that to sleep or feel happier.
I miss my Leslie. Been thinking about her a lot and hoping everything is going okay with her and Carol, Craig, and Andy. I can't wait to have her back down for a visit. I was thinking we could go to Key West since I've never been there or some water theme park or something like that. Theres so much to do around here and I know Cash would help us out if we went somewhere like Key West. I mean Key West isn't that far from here and it'd be awesome. I can't wait for her and Craig to move down here :) It'll be the best. I love them both completely and it literally hurts being so far away from Leslie.
I'm having a hard time focusing on this... I think I'm gonna go lay down and read or something before bed.
If wishes were horses, beggers would ride.
I started seeing this guy, R, but thats going no where. He's ridiculously handsome - puerta rican, clean cut, tongue ring :) but he's a freaking taurus so we clash. He blows me off like a stupid boy, never calls when he says he will - stupid boy things. I was gonna just be friends with benefits with him, but he's even lost that after he said, "You have absolutely nothing to be depressed about." Some people will never understand. I hate people that think you can just "get over it" - well obviously, if I could just will myself to be happy then I would. When I try that, I bottle up any negative feelings/thoughts, push on forward with positive ones - all that results in are major breakdowns usually at the worst times. Last week I had a huge break down at work, had to retreat to the bathroom and cry it out. That was bad. I don't understand. A few weeks ago my phsychiatrist adjusted my meds, but it doesn't seem to be working. Well, it has helped stablize my mood. I was EXTREMELY irritable before she adjusted the meds, but now I'm still experiencing a low-grade depression 24/7. Unless of course something triggers it and makes it worse.
There is another guy prospect... but I'm a little hesistant because he's a bit older than me. Completely attractive, confident, successful, and the works but there is a big age gap. At least ten years older. He's very high spirited and outgoing though. Flirts with me non-stop. I'm just not sure. I like him, but I want a serious relationship. I'm going to want a family after I graduate from college which will be a years from now so I don't. We'll see what happens I suppose. He'd sure treat me better than stupid R. The guy is a man, not a boy and maybe that's why I'm nervous.
Also, the meds are letting me a bit more social. It's opening me up more. I've been hanging out with people every now and then. Being a friend and going out. Cheering up Nelta when her and her fiance broke up. Went out shopping with her and Glania. Had started hanging out with Ryan. It's a small step forward. I can't wait to go back to college and meet more people.
I've been 'rocking the ganj' a bit too much lately lol. Watching Tenacious D - The Pick of Destiny was pretty damn funny while high. It just completely helps me fall asleep and then I'm not exhuasted in the morning. I'm having a terrible time sleeping the last couple of months here so it helps so much. I'm gonna take a long break from it though. I don't want to rely on anything like that to sleep or feel happier.
I miss my Leslie. Been thinking about her a lot and hoping everything is going okay with her and Carol, Craig, and Andy. I can't wait to have her back down for a visit. I was thinking we could go to Key West since I've never been there or some water theme park or something like that. Theres so much to do around here and I know Cash would help us out if we went somewhere like Key West. I mean Key West isn't that far from here and it'd be awesome. I can't wait for her and Craig to move down here :) It'll be the best. I love them both completely and it literally hurts being so far away from Leslie.
I'm having a hard time focusing on this... I think I'm gonna go lay down and read or something before bed.