Sadness of the creeper

[azahru]

As some of you are aware, there was a craptastic sexual harassey creeper at World Fantasy Con this year. He was offensive to many many women, was kicked out of parties repeatedly, and while complaints were made he kept turning up and the convention was slow to respond. Many people have spoken about their experiences. Jaym Gates is collecting people

Comments

[the_shadow298]

An interesting read and something I can understand because my younger brother has a brain injury which makes not understand lots of personal boundaries, especially when it comes to talking to women, so when he gets rejected or someone doesn't want to have anything to do with him because he doesn't understand where the limits lie he gets abusive and paranoid.

Have seen similar people to the one that you described above as well. Not so uncommon in the fetish scene, and whilst having a mental disorder does explain their behaviour it doesn't justify it or give it an excuse.
He obviously needs a lot of help which people don't seem to be providing for whatever reason and going to such events is most likely fuelling his fantasy more than giving it a creative outlet.

So many issues at play here but don't think it should stop you being the sweet hugging person tat you are. Maybe you just need to get people to sign disclaimers and such if they are randoms who want a hug. :)

[azahru]

Thanks Shadow, I hope this guy gets some help/tough love as I'm sure he really could do with more hugs -> I like what you mean about the difference between creative outlet and fueling fantasy. From what I've heard his behavior was much worse with many many other people.

How is your brother doing? Brain injuries can be so rough, brains can be astonishingly resilient and rewiring, but it seems to me that reclaiming speech and movement is easier than reclaiming social intelligence and emotional control if those are the spaces that get damaged. I wonder if in part because we're better at training and providing physio for measurables like walking and talking - realms of subtle social interaction and sitting with yourself don't have as much rehabilitative tech.

[the_shadow298]

Bryn's much better these days but better is still a relative term.

He has full speech functions and most of his motor skills but he's basically stuck at the emotional maturity of a 13 year old (from his first accident) and also suffering the effects of long term pot abuse -such as paranoia and mood swings. And he does lack the social intelligence to understand the limits of his behaviour.

But, as I said, he could be far far worse than he is, so all good.

[azahru]

That's great to hear, I seem to recall that he was fairly badly incapacitated.

If you don't mind me asking, does he go out solo to big social events? or does he generally do stuff with a wingman to help him moderate his behavior? or at least explain why he's not traveling well... knowing why makes such a difference.

[amberite]

Here from random chain of links.

I seriously doubt that you affected him much one way or the other by hugging him. As you say, human beings need hugs. Lots of really nice people with and without mental health issues need hugs, and most of the people who are honest enough to ask are the decent ones. A real bad apple like that is going to use ANY event that happens to them to support their view of the universe.

I mean, I can only imagine what this guy's train of thought looks like, but my guess is: Hugged? Ohh, I must have gotten a hug by my mind-control powers! Not hugged? Ohh, that means I can rightfully force affection from other people later, because I haven't got what I deserve! (I've heard scummy types use rationales like that - to guilt people who didn't give them affection and in general deny any and all personal responsiblity

[azahru]

Hi Amberite, thanks for your words.

I think it's important to talk about how he does get things from people and puts people in uncomfortable places. Often people only feel safe to speak about things if they have successfully refused propositioning, because of guilt-slut-shaming that goes on in our society (even if I am only a hug-slut ;). I am more worried about people who are in positions where there are more implied yeses that he could abuse - like cosplayers who put their bodies on display and should be safe, but aren't always.

I don't feel guilt for hugging the guy, it was a bit unpleasant at the time, but I have dealt with much worse in my time. I'm concerned, thoughtful, wondering how to deal with it better next time and owning potential impacts of my actions (I love the idea of finding ways of turning it into a teaching situation and talking about social behavior, he might not take it in, but sometimes learning is about one slip of rice paper at a time) but I don't feel guilt

[azahru]

I should add, that thinking about how to turn it into a teaching situation does not remove a person's responsibility for their actions, it's more about how do I alter an unpleasant scenario so that it is less unpleasant and creates the possibility of a more positive trajectory.

[tinaconnolly]

sorry about the creeper :( but thanks for the shoutout; your play and performance rocked and I'm so glad you were able to join us!!

[azahru]

THANK YOU for such a terrific way to start the convention. You make magic stuff happen.

[myrthe]

Hi Liz, I'll totally be your hug stand in. Sounds like a fun and positive way to bump some assumptions.

Thanks too for a little teaching moment right here. Thinking about offering myself for this, or being offered. About what it would "mean", or wouldn't mean. What I would mean by it, and how it might be taken. It all felt vulnerable and 'on display' in ways I'm really not used to.

Also, welcome home :)

[azahru]

Double thanks :-) and double hugs. See you in a bit over a week :-)

[baratron]

Here from a long chain of links. I really like the idea of delegating the hugging to a large, physically confident man. I shall try to remember that!