Sadness of the creeper
As some of you are aware, there was a craptastic sexual harassey creeper at World Fantasy Con this year. He was offensive to many many women, was kicked out of parties repeatedly, and while complaints were made he kept turning up and the convention was slow to respond. Many people have spoken about their experiences. Jaym Gates is collecting people's experiences and working on a Sexual Harassment policy for WFC. Hopefully out of the ashes of this conventions in general will have leading practice around sexual harassment policies and the actions a convention should take to create a safe and inclusive environment.
Many people have stories about how he inappropriately propositioned them and they told him to go away. I may have accidentally fed into his delusions and that makes me a little sad.
Context: This guy clearly has serious mental health issues, in some ways this is handy, he was so clearly unhinged the convention was forced to take action and many people are galvanized. Hopefully future sexual harrasors do not need to be so extreme for a convention to take action.
Story: I was late to the Australian party (btw Tina Connolly's play reading seriously rocked and you should go to anything she organizes because it will be good) and was wandering around chatting to people. A person I had met at a previous convention said hello to me, I said hello warmly in return and as we struck up conversation the person next to him (I assumed his friend) asked for a hug.
I think I might have said "do I know you?" I certainly, after a moment's pause, said "no."
He looked a bit sad and said something like "but I would like a hug." or "please" or something. I paused to think about it. He had just seen me hugging a bunch of people. I love to hug people. Humans are relatively physically isolated these days and safe non sexual touch is good for mental and physical health. It's a nice form of acceptance and celebration of another person's human-ness and it's just a happy thing to do. I'm also fairly physically confident and can hug like a marshal artist if need be.
I assessed the guy and he seemed non-dangerous and a bit sad, so I thought, fair enough, everybody needs hugs, and being a total softy I thought, what if my hugging of other people is making him feel sad about his own physical isolation? That was the deciding factor for me, as I didn't particularly want to hug him, but I hated the idea of making someone feel like an outcast... another sub-factor was I didn't feel like engaging with the guy further around whether I would hug him or not and hugging him was easier than entering into a debate. So I decided I shall give this guy a hug. I said something like, "Why not?" hugged the guy and then went back to chatting to his friend. The guy I hugged just sort of stood there for a while before wandering off.
Later I discovered the exact same guy had then followed an escalating path of abusive behavior and unreasonable demands. He also believes that he has magical powers and can spell people into following his commands.
And this makes me sad, by hugging a fellow human being because they asked me to I actually fed into his psychosis. He probably thinks he spelled me into hugging him. I actually fed the flame of delusion and escalating demands. Ughhhh.
Human beings need hugs and safe physical contact has enormous health benefits. Women especially are trained to be nice and give things to people if they are asked to... and I wonder how much shit this guy has got by demanding at less professional and assertive conventions... how many cosplayers has he harangued into physical contact? How many larger conventions has he been to where he hasn't been called on his actions? Or people have complained, but voices have been lost in the crowd and dismissed?
As I write this I'm wondering what to do if I get propositioned like that again. Perhaps If some guy asks for a hug and they clearly need a hug (this guy did seriously need a hug... but I think he also needs serious therapy and medication and in my wishful universe this convention is the convention that showed boundaries and helps him get the mental health intervention he needs and the magical finances/insurance to get it)... perhaps if a guy asks for a hug I shall see if I can delegate the hugging to physically confidant man in the nearbye area. Sure, have physical contact, but not with me and my tits, get some from this nice man. Perhaps a crazy idea, but certainly a response someone like motorhead shirt would not be expecting... and it is an entertaining thought to have!
So damnit that creeperness exists. It took a pretty extreme case from a guy with low social status to get action, but hopefully this will flow on to a lot of improved processes. And I'm sorry to everyone who had to deal with motorhead guy and that my innocent hugging actions fed into his delusional psychosis and escalating demands.
Edit, later comment that I think is important:
I should add, that although I think this guy has serious mental health issues, that isn't an excuse in my books, just part of the factors. Some of the most emotionally self aware and amazing people I know have serious mental health diagnoses and utilize effective self-management techniques.
Self management techniques that I really wish more successful people in suits would use.... how many suits do you know who, during strategic planning meetings, say "I'm sorry I'm feeling a little bit emotional, I'm going for a walk so I can come back in a minute with a clear head, and look at things in a more balanced way."
Edit 2, where to now and the problems of rape culture
Jaym Gates has been doing a stellar job tracking stuff and putting herself through a lot to turn shitty stuff that goes on into a more positive outcome. It's easy to get cranky about an individual, but there is a lot of systemic stuff to deal with, that is really important to deal with. Jaym has written up her experiences of the creeper (plus an insight into the impact taking lead on some of this stuff is having on her). You can read it here.
Many people have stories about how he inappropriately propositioned them and they told him to go away. I may have accidentally fed into his delusions and that makes me a little sad.
Context: This guy clearly has serious mental health issues, in some ways this is handy, he was so clearly unhinged the convention was forced to take action and many people are galvanized. Hopefully future sexual harrasors do not need to be so extreme for a convention to take action.
Story: I was late to the Australian party (btw Tina Connolly's play reading seriously rocked and you should go to anything she organizes because it will be good) and was wandering around chatting to people. A person I had met at a previous convention said hello to me, I said hello warmly in return and as we struck up conversation the person next to him (I assumed his friend) asked for a hug.
I think I might have said "do I know you?" I certainly, after a moment's pause, said "no."
He looked a bit sad and said something like "but I would like a hug." or "please" or something. I paused to think about it. He had just seen me hugging a bunch of people. I love to hug people. Humans are relatively physically isolated these days and safe non sexual touch is good for mental and physical health. It's a nice form of acceptance and celebration of another person's human-ness and it's just a happy thing to do. I'm also fairly physically confident and can hug like a marshal artist if need be.
I assessed the guy and he seemed non-dangerous and a bit sad, so I thought, fair enough, everybody needs hugs, and being a total softy I thought, what if my hugging of other people is making him feel sad about his own physical isolation? That was the deciding factor for me, as I didn't particularly want to hug him, but I hated the idea of making someone feel like an outcast... another sub-factor was I didn't feel like engaging with the guy further around whether I would hug him or not and hugging him was easier than entering into a debate. So I decided I shall give this guy a hug. I said something like, "Why not?" hugged the guy and then went back to chatting to his friend. The guy I hugged just sort of stood there for a while before wandering off.
Later I discovered the exact same guy had then followed an escalating path of abusive behavior and unreasonable demands. He also believes that he has magical powers and can spell people into following his commands.
And this makes me sad, by hugging a fellow human being because they asked me to I actually fed into his psychosis. He probably thinks he spelled me into hugging him. I actually fed the flame of delusion and escalating demands. Ughhhh.
Human beings need hugs and safe physical contact has enormous health benefits. Women especially are trained to be nice and give things to people if they are asked to... and I wonder how much shit this guy has got by demanding at less professional and assertive conventions... how many cosplayers has he harangued into physical contact? How many larger conventions has he been to where he hasn't been called on his actions? Or people have complained, but voices have been lost in the crowd and dismissed?
As I write this I'm wondering what to do if I get propositioned like that again. Perhaps If some guy asks for a hug and they clearly need a hug (this guy did seriously need a hug... but I think he also needs serious therapy and medication and in my wishful universe this convention is the convention that showed boundaries and helps him get the mental health intervention he needs and the magical finances/insurance to get it)... perhaps if a guy asks for a hug I shall see if I can delegate the hugging to physically confidant man in the nearbye area. Sure, have physical contact, but not with me and my tits, get some from this nice man. Perhaps a crazy idea, but certainly a response someone like motorhead shirt would not be expecting... and it is an entertaining thought to have!
So damnit that creeperness exists. It took a pretty extreme case from a guy with low social status to get action, but hopefully this will flow on to a lot of improved processes. And I'm sorry to everyone who had to deal with motorhead guy and that my innocent hugging actions fed into his delusional psychosis and escalating demands.
Edit, later comment that I think is important:
I should add, that although I think this guy has serious mental health issues, that isn't an excuse in my books, just part of the factors. Some of the most emotionally self aware and amazing people I know have serious mental health diagnoses and utilize effective self-management techniques.
Self management techniques that I really wish more successful people in suits would use.... how many suits do you know who, during strategic planning meetings, say "I'm sorry I'm feeling a little bit emotional, I'm going for a walk so I can come back in a minute with a clear head, and look at things in a more balanced way."
Edit 2, where to now and the problems of rape culture
Jaym Gates has been doing a stellar job tracking stuff and putting herself through a lot to turn shitty stuff that goes on into a more positive outcome. It's easy to get cranky about an individual, but there is a lot of systemic stuff to deal with, that is really important to deal with. Jaym has written up her experiences of the creeper (plus an insight into the impact taking lead on some of this stuff is having on her). You can read it here.