(no subject)
I want to step into another life.
Another me. I’m so envy her; she had the best of all. She pretty and nice, walk and talk with confident , having a own chain of businesses, she running café, convenience shop and book store at the same time, she also in money exchange, and try to get license on having her own travel agencies. She involve in charity as much as she can, to spend her earning wisely, helping those who in needs.
She also a mother of two, these kids really smart, she never thought she deserve them. These kids are her life. Her husband who see her for who she is, he know her inside out, never judge and doubt her and always beside her.
She manages both worlds well.
I really want to step into her world and become her.
Now, I’m suffering, putting a mask so I won’t attract anyone attention.
I feel so lonely and alone ever since I decided to not talk about it to anyone.
I try my best to not show any of my weakness and sickness.
I feel like I trapped inside and all of sudden I’m numb.
I see a cut in my wrist and blood that trailing from it, to feel that this is real, I’m real.
The truth is I want someone to believe in me, to be with me, so I can overcome this; hand to pull me out from this deep hole I’m in now.
I don’t have anyone to do that for me ever since I’m kid, ever since my abuse start, people around me ignoring my pain and suffering, as if I’m not exist.
I want someone tell me, that I’m suffered and still suffering, now I don’t have to anymore. I will go through this and I will get better.
But people around me, don’t really bother to know why I’m suffering, what I been through, mostly minimizing the incident by saying that it’s happened in the past and asking me to get over it. Some even say, there are people get worst then me, compare to them, my experience is nothing.
They don’t really need to understand, just support me will do, believe and listen to me will do.
It’s hurt me a lot.
The fact that I have to go through same thing all over again; not only the abuse but the way people react to my suffering and pain.
I have to put the same mask, like I did in the past again. Act like nothing happened to me.
I guess I need to be doll again. This is my fate. I’m only worth this much.
Its okay, at least I can do that much and pretending that I’m fine. At least I’m good at it.
And I’ll be fine. I always do.
And I guess there is no way I can step into another world. BE another me.
But for now, I want to be in deep sleep, a lot of pills will help, I don’t want to wake up, if I’m lucky, I can be that another girl in my dream, it’s a bit tough with nightmare, but if I’m lucky enough.
And another cut that can wake me up from dream, it’s the mark that is prove this is real. I don’t have to ignore my pain like anyone else.
13 Sept 2013
Another me. I’m so envy her; she had the best of all. She pretty and nice, walk and talk with confident , having a own chain of businesses, she running café, convenience shop and book store at the same time, she also in money exchange, and try to get license on having her own travel agencies. She involve in charity as much as she can, to spend her earning wisely, helping those who in needs.
She also a mother of two, these kids really smart, she never thought she deserve them. These kids are her life. Her husband who see her for who she is, he know her inside out, never judge and doubt her and always beside her.
She manages both worlds well.
I really want to step into her world and become her.
Now, I’m suffering, putting a mask so I won’t attract anyone attention.
I feel so lonely and alone ever since I decided to not talk about it to anyone.
I try my best to not show any of my weakness and sickness.
I feel like I trapped inside and all of sudden I’m numb.
I see a cut in my wrist and blood that trailing from it, to feel that this is real, I’m real.
The truth is I want someone to believe in me, to be with me, so I can overcome this; hand to pull me out from this deep hole I’m in now.
I don’t have anyone to do that for me ever since I’m kid, ever since my abuse start, people around me ignoring my pain and suffering, as if I’m not exist.
I want someone tell me, that I’m suffered and still suffering, now I don’t have to anymore. I will go through this and I will get better.
But people around me, don’t really bother to know why I’m suffering, what I been through, mostly minimizing the incident by saying that it’s happened in the past and asking me to get over it. Some even say, there are people get worst then me, compare to them, my experience is nothing.
They don’t really need to understand, just support me will do, believe and listen to me will do.
It’s hurt me a lot.
The fact that I have to go through same thing all over again; not only the abuse but the way people react to my suffering and pain.
I have to put the same mask, like I did in the past again. Act like nothing happened to me.
I guess I need to be doll again. This is my fate. I’m only worth this much.
Its okay, at least I can do that much and pretending that I’m fine. At least I’m good at it.
And I’ll be fine. I always do.
And I guess there is no way I can step into another world. BE another me.
But for now, I want to be in deep sleep, a lot of pills will help, I don’t want to wake up, if I’m lucky, I can be that another girl in my dream, it’s a bit tough with nightmare, but if I’m lucky enough.
And another cut that can wake me up from dream, it’s the mark that is prove this is real. I don’t have to ignore my pain like anyone else.
13 Sept 2013