Memories That Pop Up Just To Remind Me.. Things Happened
It’s been a while…
As much as I try to ignore the thought, it’s keep coming back to haunt me.
While I’m being in plane, I was praying hard to not disturbing everyone in middle of the night by screaming and waking up everyone because of my sudden flashback attack. And I got Xanax and muscle relaxant as well. Lucky for me, I didn’t get flashback.
In the plane, it’s not easy for me to fall asleep, even with the medication, ever since I start travelling by plane, so, at least I don’t have to worry of getting nightmares. When I’m at the hotel, I’m on medication; I guess it does shut my brain for a while.
I don’t have time to think about anything while I’m in Japan because being there is already preoccupied everything in between.
When I’m back, I thought I can do the same, just being busy and I don’t think much about it.
And then I started to do something excessively, I know something is wrong.
I know I choose to ignore the pain and the memories. So it won’t come out and hurt me in return.
The dream and flashback taking me off guard, coming back in full force and I shouldn’t been ignoring this in the first place.
Weirdly, for the first time, it’s seems like there is some information that I miss out all this while. Something about “I never fought nor avoiding those guys”
I thought all this while I been obedient and let them have their way with me. I remember only the beating if I don’t obey him. But I don’t have a memory of him being rougher than his usual self. I just know something bad will happen if I don’t obey him. And I know something worst did happen. But I can’t recall what really happened.
And so, I’m back to past, at the time, I’m at ‘Botak’ room, thinking of way to escape from him. And it’s quite too late for me to do so because he locked me in his room; I know I don’t have any way out that day. There he is staring at me, he was obviously furious, because I have been avoiding him for few days, and so I know he won’t be nice with me.
Just as I thought, he’s not being nice at all, he didn’t prepare me, like he usually does with the oil, being so rough, he also decided to use me as much and as long as he can, he use my mouth, my back, every part of me and I got blue black all over my body. I don’t know if anyone at home at that time, but I know no matter how much I scream and cry no one is there to save me. As I thought I used to him already, perhaps it’s won’t hurting much but no matter how much I tried; I’m still hurting. I guess that the longest moment I have with him. It’s really scared the hell out of me. So, now I know I’m not going to avoid him or trying something anymore. I have learned my lesson.
This part of memory is been totally block out.
I know how brutal this memory is, and I’m glad it’s pop up to prove I did try to avoid him. Even do it’s only making things worse.
Another series of shivering, sweating, crying and hurting, and I almost forgot I have a piece of paper I could try if I had flashback, I remember I put it somewhere, but I couldn’t think of anything at the moment, I feel so scared. The pain is so real. And this is the worst memories ever..
I cannot blame myself anymore, not with this reasoning.
The thought of giving myself to him without fighting was really hurting me. It’s also reason of why I feeling so helpless and worthless.
Sometime it’s hard to believe if such things really happened to me. Am I really gone thru such pain? Perhaps I make up the story, maybe this is not real. But then I been drag to the past to prove every little pain and hurt its real and happened. Even so, I still can’t believe it, another denial series? And if such things happen, why didn’t I know the details? I should have a vivid picture of it, but seems I can only get fragments of my memories.
Because I usually don’t have memories of what happened afterward, like after this incident, what happen to me? How long I been in pain? If so, nobody notice that I’m in pain? I know I’m good at hiding my feeling, for such thing happen, I have never told anyone about it. But why no one notice about me? This pain is unbearable and how did I manage to hide my pain from everyone? How did I survive? Why can’t I remember anything? I know peoples in my house don’t care much about me, but to this extend? And am I still normal, I’m not going crazy right?
And how I end up erased these memories back then until it starts to re-appear again?
And why now?
I don’t have any commitment, I’m not sleeping around, I don’t even have a boyfriend, and I keep on avoiding talking about marriage, love and family.
But now, because of my best friend wedding, I been asking myself, would it be better if I have someone too, perhaps I should and thinking of having my own family; having a thought of being together with my children and husband is very much interesting. And I’m also wondering; if I can accept someone in my life. Not that I have that certain someone, but if I try perhaps I could...
27 May 2013
As much as I try to ignore the thought, it’s keep coming back to haunt me.
While I’m being in plane, I was praying hard to not disturbing everyone in middle of the night by screaming and waking up everyone because of my sudden flashback attack. And I got Xanax and muscle relaxant as well. Lucky for me, I didn’t get flashback.
In the plane, it’s not easy for me to fall asleep, even with the medication, ever since I start travelling by plane, so, at least I don’t have to worry of getting nightmares. When I’m at the hotel, I’m on medication; I guess it does shut my brain for a while.
I don’t have time to think about anything while I’m in Japan because being there is already preoccupied everything in between.
When I’m back, I thought I can do the same, just being busy and I don’t think much about it.
And then I started to do something excessively, I know something is wrong.
I know I choose to ignore the pain and the memories. So it won’t come out and hurt me in return.
The dream and flashback taking me off guard, coming back in full force and I shouldn’t been ignoring this in the first place.
Weirdly, for the first time, it’s seems like there is some information that I miss out all this while. Something about “I never fought nor avoiding those guys”
I thought all this while I been obedient and let them have their way with me. I remember only the beating if I don’t obey him. But I don’t have a memory of him being rougher than his usual self. I just know something bad will happen if I don’t obey him. And I know something worst did happen. But I can’t recall what really happened.
And so, I’m back to past, at the time, I’m at ‘Botak’ room, thinking of way to escape from him. And it’s quite too late for me to do so because he locked me in his room; I know I don’t have any way out that day. There he is staring at me, he was obviously furious, because I have been avoiding him for few days, and so I know he won’t be nice with me.
Just as I thought, he’s not being nice at all, he didn’t prepare me, like he usually does with the oil, being so rough, he also decided to use me as much and as long as he can, he use my mouth, my back, every part of me and I got blue black all over my body. I don’t know if anyone at home at that time, but I know no matter how much I scream and cry no one is there to save me. As I thought I used to him already, perhaps it’s won’t hurting much but no matter how much I tried; I’m still hurting. I guess that the longest moment I have with him. It’s really scared the hell out of me. So, now I know I’m not going to avoid him or trying something anymore. I have learned my lesson.
This part of memory is been totally block out.
I know how brutal this memory is, and I’m glad it’s pop up to prove I did try to avoid him. Even do it’s only making things worse.
Another series of shivering, sweating, crying and hurting, and I almost forgot I have a piece of paper I could try if I had flashback, I remember I put it somewhere, but I couldn’t think of anything at the moment, I feel so scared. The pain is so real. And this is the worst memories ever..
I cannot blame myself anymore, not with this reasoning.
The thought of giving myself to him without fighting was really hurting me. It’s also reason of why I feeling so helpless and worthless.
Sometime it’s hard to believe if such things really happened to me. Am I really gone thru such pain? Perhaps I make up the story, maybe this is not real. But then I been drag to the past to prove every little pain and hurt its real and happened. Even so, I still can’t believe it, another denial series? And if such things happen, why didn’t I know the details? I should have a vivid picture of it, but seems I can only get fragments of my memories.
Because I usually don’t have memories of what happened afterward, like after this incident, what happen to me? How long I been in pain? If so, nobody notice that I’m in pain? I know I’m good at hiding my feeling, for such thing happen, I have never told anyone about it. But why no one notice about me? This pain is unbearable and how did I manage to hide my pain from everyone? How did I survive? Why can’t I remember anything? I know peoples in my house don’t care much about me, but to this extend? And am I still normal, I’m not going crazy right?
And how I end up erased these memories back then until it starts to re-appear again?
And why now?
I don’t have any commitment, I’m not sleeping around, I don’t even have a boyfriend, and I keep on avoiding talking about marriage, love and family.
But now, because of my best friend wedding, I been asking myself, would it be better if I have someone too, perhaps I should and thinking of having my own family; having a thought of being together with my children and husband is very much interesting. And I’m also wondering; if I can accept someone in my life. Not that I have that certain someone, but if I try perhaps I could...
27 May 2013