i miss my kitty :(
all i want to do right now is listen to angry music (well, in comparison to what tim listens to, I'd call my stuff angry. He'll take Santana, and I'll take some Icon of Coil) and try to pretend that it dosent hurt. I'm trying to remind myself of my own beleif that death is only physical. He is still as much a part of me as he was alive. He is still in my heart, and always will be. Velvet I miss you so much, I'm so sorry I wasn't there. I tell myself you realized I wasn't coming back and gave up fighting, which you had been doing on an off for years now. Maybe you are closer to me now than you were in your physical body. As a child I always felt you were like my guardian. You made me feel safe and protected. I wasn't scared when you were in the room.
And I'll try not to be too angry at myself for not being there, for feeling like I abandoned you when I came out here. And I'll try not to be too angry for not listening to myself when I told myself to call my dad to have him take pictures of you for me, knowing I might never see you again, but not really thinking that I wouldnt.
And I'll also try not to worry what will happen to your grave if my father ever moves. I am trying to let go of this sadness. I know you wouldnt have wanted me to be sad for you, and honestly I'm not sad for you. I'm sad for me. I lost you. I'll never get to hear your meow, your purr, your growl, ever again. Your sounds, smells, and softness will eventually fade from my memory, but you never will. You were as much a friend to me as anyone I know, as close to my heart as any of my family. To me you were my family.
There will always be a place on my pillow for you.
I dont know how to mourn.
And I'll try not to be too angry at myself for not being there, for feeling like I abandoned you when I came out here. And I'll try not to be too angry for not listening to myself when I told myself to call my dad to have him take pictures of you for me, knowing I might never see you again, but not really thinking that I wouldnt.
And I'll also try not to worry what will happen to your grave if my father ever moves. I am trying to let go of this sadness. I know you wouldnt have wanted me to be sad for you, and honestly I'm not sad for you. I'm sad for me. I lost you. I'll never get to hear your meow, your purr, your growl, ever again. Your sounds, smells, and softness will eventually fade from my memory, but you never will. You were as much a friend to me as anyone I know, as close to my heart as any of my family. To me you were my family.
There will always be a place on my pillow for you.
I dont know how to mourn.