parts of this are reposted from around March or April, parts are new...
Mr. Not Trying to be Mr. Negativity.
I hate calling people. It seems that about 75% of the people in my phone don't pick up, or return my calls. Officially, and here it is posted, I am instating the 3 strikes rule in all areas of my social life.
[Note: in some instances, just like in real sports, you don't even get 3 chances to fuck up, some things ( just like throwing a baseball bat) are automatic outs, or even ejections from the game.]
So... if you're my friend and I call you 3 times over a reasonable course of time, and you haven't returned my phone call then I'm deleting your number from my phone. And if you don't then call me at some point, I've lost your number forever - Maybe I'm an asshole for that... But I don't see any reason why a friend can't call someone back and say "Hey, I got your message I've been busy/out of town/looking for my phone/whatever and that's why I haven't/can't, talk/hang out." I'm focusing my time and attention on people for whom this isn't too much to ask. I (used) feel like a sniveling fucking brat for even thinking all this though... now I just feel like I probably don't actually want to put that much energy into relationships that need this kind of stimulation; but I'm not too invested in being wrapped up in this either so...
All in all, I just feel really disconnected and distant from just about everyone and I'm not sure if it's: natural, coincidental, a matter of logistics, my fault, theirs, or what?
I'm not the most emotional person these days, but I do experience most of my emotions with about equal intensity, which is nice, and with a decent amount of present time awareness (PTA, or 'mindfulness') and (I think) non-attachment.
UPDATED
Subjects most on Caleb's mind these days:
1. Money, the lack of it, and (see #2, #3).
2. The lack of a job, and my inability to get one, even though I am trying.
3. 1. School, and how the fuck I'm supposed to pay for it; but more so exactly what BA/BS(s) I want to go for? EnviSci, Law, Community Organizing/Public Policy, Urban Planning? After that I'm fairly certain that I'll go to (maybe UW) for a Pre-Med Post Bac; then to Bastyr for an N.D.
5.2. Race. It's really really hard to not think about it, or notice it, and honestly I have a difficult time finding a 'true, useful compassionately awake' way to call people out on their privilege these days.
5a.2a. Code Switching; and more specifically how I started doing it? Or, more generally, I've been thinking about the various aspects of interracial relations... I'm apparently very much less uncomfortable keeping it real with my own friends [which] is a little disturbing. these days.
4-7. Gender, Body Hair, Sex
3. Love.
4. Which inevitably brings me back to gender! And just what exactly it is, and why most people feel it, but some don't. And why people with culturally non-standard genders exist? (Some) Native Peoples' ideas about two-spiritedness make a lot of sense to me.
5. Earthquakes - and other natural disasters like Global Climate Change ("Warming")
6. Spirit, and energy, and how to learn about them in a way that honors all my ancestors.
7. Ancestor worship, and how to practice it when you don't know your ancestors...
7a. Indigenous people and colonization. (Ugly.)
All-in-all I'm pretty happy these days. I'm reading a lot. (About 100-200 pages every day at work.) And since I'm not really taking classes it's all pleasure reading. So far completed:
We Are the One's We've been Waiting For - Alice Walker
One Nation Underprivileged; ...[US] Poverty Affects us All - ? oxford U Press
Home from Nowhere - James Howard Kunstler
Superfood Rx - I forgot...
Significant progress:
Being Black; Zen and ... Fearlessness - Angela Kyodo W____?
Dropping Ashes on the Buddha
The Mood Cure
Any suggestions? Especially non-fiction; though that doesn't mean a textbook, or a empirical kind of text.
I hate calling people. It seems that about 75% of the people in my phone don't pick up, or return my calls. Officially, and here it is posted, I am instating the 3 strikes rule in all areas of my social life.
[Note: in some instances, just like in real sports, you don't even get 3 chances to fuck up, some things ( just like throwing a baseball bat) are automatic outs, or even ejections from the game.]
So... if you're my friend and I call you 3 times over a reasonable course of time, and you haven't returned my phone call then I'm deleting your number from my phone. And if you don't then call me at some point, I've lost your number forever - Maybe I'm an asshole for that... But I don't see any reason why a friend can't call someone back and say "Hey, I got your message I've been busy/out of town/looking for my phone/whatever and that's why I haven't/can't, talk/hang out." I'm focusing my time and attention on people for whom this isn't too much to ask. I (used) feel like a sniveling fucking brat for even thinking all this though... now I just feel like I probably don't actually want to put that much energy into relationships that need this kind of stimulation; but I'm not too invested in being wrapped up in this either so...
All in all, I just feel really disconnected and distant from just about everyone and I'm not sure if it's: natural, coincidental, a matter of logistics, my fault, theirs, or what?
I'm not the most emotional person these days, but I do experience most of my emotions with about equal intensity, which is nice, and with a decent amount of present time awareness (PTA, or 'mindfulness') and (I think) non-attachment.
UPDATED
Subjects most on Caleb's mind these days:
1. Money, the lack of it, and (see #2, #3).
2. The lack of a job, and my inability to get one, even though I am trying.
3. 1. School, and how the fuck I'm supposed to pay for it; but more so exactly what BA/BS(s) I want to go for? EnviSci, Law, Community Organizing/Public Policy, Urban Planning? After that I'm fairly certain that I'll go to (maybe UW) for a Pre-Med Post Bac; then to Bastyr for an N.D.
5.2. Race. It's really really hard to not think about it, or notice it, and honestly I have a difficult time finding a 'true, useful compassionately awake' way to call people out on their privilege these days.
5a.2a. Code Switching; and more specifically how I started doing it? Or, more generally, I've been thinking about the various aspects of interracial relations... I'm apparently very much less uncomfortable keeping it real with my own friends [which] is a little disturbing. these days.
4-7. Gender, Body Hair, Sex
3. Love.
4. Which inevitably brings me back to gender! And just what exactly it is, and why most people feel it, but some don't. And why people with culturally non-standard genders exist? (Some) Native Peoples' ideas about two-spiritedness make a lot of sense to me.
5. Earthquakes - and other natural disasters like Global Climate Change ("Warming")
6. Spirit, and energy, and how to learn about them in a way that honors all my ancestors.
7. Ancestor worship, and how to practice it when you don't know your ancestors...
7a. Indigenous people and colonization. (Ugly.)
All-in-all I'm pretty happy these days. I'm reading a lot. (About 100-200 pages every day at work.) And since I'm not really taking classes it's all pleasure reading. So far completed:
We Are the One's We've been Waiting For - Alice Walker
One Nation Underprivileged; ...[US] Poverty Affects us All - ? oxford U Press
Home from Nowhere - James Howard Kunstler
Superfood Rx - I forgot...
Significant progress:
Being Black; Zen and ... Fearlessness - Angela Kyodo W____?
Dropping Ashes on the Buddha
The Mood Cure
Any suggestions? Especially non-fiction; though that doesn't mean a textbook, or a empirical kind of text.